SPOILER ALERT: This post contains spoilers from the Season 5, Episode 7 episode of “Yellowstone,” “The Dream Is Not Me,” which premiered Sunday, Dec. 18 on Paramount Network.
Last week’s “Yellowstone” was a leisurely ride through the ranch, which served to illustrate the culture of The Gather, which is basically a community party celebrating cattle branding. But on this week’s episode things get academic, as there is a ton of talk about pipelines, land deals, cattle diseases and the future of the beef industry. On with the recap:
- Maybe I’m just a no-good coastal elite, but Young Rip (Kyle Red Silverstein) beating a fellow cowboy nearly to death just because he was talking about the woman he liked crossed the line from “chivalrous” to “psychotic.” Even with a knife pulled on him…deescalate with your words, pardner!
- Furthermore, this rude cowboy (Kai Caster) is named Rowdy?!? Young Rip: Rowdy’s reputation precedes him with a name like that, so maybe only fight him in extreme circumstances. He’s known to be rowdy!
- Correction: Young Rip actually did beat Rowdy to death. Yikes!
- This anecdote explains the bond between Rip and John (Kevin Costner) pretty clearly. Good backstory!
- Jamie (Wes Bentley) would definitely benefit from therapy — but not from someone he’s sleeping with.
- Ugh, Jamie is such a sucker for Sarah (Dawn Olivieri) and her bullshit…how can he not understand that he’s being played?!?
- Wow, is Brazil really going to overtake the U.S. cattle industry so dramatically as Sarah describes? Apparently so…
- “Look at all you sluts…” Ah, Beth, never change.
- Of course Summer (Piper Perabo) has a really annoying take on marriage. It’s too early in the morning, Summer! No one’s had coffee yet!
- Great out-of-nowhere question to Beth from poor, sweet Monica (Kelsey Asbille): “Why are you so mean?”
- I Googled “brucellosis” and it sounds pretty nasty. It can make humans sick too! In related news, “Yellowstone” should have Pop-Up Video-esque notes come up on the screen to explain cowboy things to city slickers on occasion. It would clear things up!
- Are the cowboys and cowgirls just screwing with Summer by making her help with the cattle? Clearly she’s traumatized and awful at it.
- There’s no way that Rip can go down and live with the cattle in the new land, right? Beth would kill him.
- The Yellowstone ranch doesn’t have $1.4 million a month to spend on this cattle move? I thought the Duttons were rich as hell! They own their own helicopter!
- Uh oh, John is going to get roughed up politically for having to take a loan out.
- Have Beth and John…never talked about finances before? How is Beth this shocked about the business model?
- Jamie, listen to your assistant, Kate (Maria Julian). She’s probably the only person on this show with your best interest in mind!
- Love a good ol’ fashioned Jamie freak-out.
- Oh no, they’re going to try to get John impeached! Actually, come to think of it…that might be for the best? He really doesn’t seem to care about the job or his constituents at all.
- So…the ranch’s finances might collapse because John never Googled any competitors to see if they were doing business online? Beth didn’t do any deep research and cracked the code pretty quickly. It’s disappointing that the downfall of the Yellowstone could be that John is a boomer fuddy-duddy.
- Place your bets: Who will get in a fistfight at the county fair?
- Ah, Teeter (Jennifer Landon): Your incomprehensible accent and shocking libido are a gift to this show.
- I guess Summer is right: This is the cutest kidnapping ever.
- Wait… is Clara (Lilli Kay) engaging in the first queer make-out session ever on this show? HUGE NEWS! “Yellowstone” has always been boringly straight…let’s spice things up a little!
- Jamie’s speech is repetitive…practice it when you’re less horny!
- I know the episode technically ended, but I’m obsessed with thinking about who else should have a gay romance on “Yellowstone.” Could Martin Sheen cameo as one of John’s long-lost cowboy friends, hoping for one last ride? Will Summer and Beth get into another fight that turns into something…more? Will one of Jamie’s Harvard fraternity brothers (played by, let’s say, Ian Somerhalder) come to help him in a legal fight against John and offer…unexpected companionship? The possibilities are endless — please share any great ideas in the comments.
See you next Sunday night!