×

Jimmy Kimmel’s 10 Best Jokes From ABC’s Upfront Presentation

Jimmy Kimmel brought his traditional scorched earth comedy to ABC’s upfront presentation in New York on Tuesday.

The late-night host took plenty of shots at his own network and its executives, while also spreading the love around to other broadcasters and some of TV’s biggest names. Kimmel need not worry about getting fired, though, considering he just signed a three-year contract extension with ABC.

Here are 10 of Kimmel’s best jokes from the presentation.

Karey Burke/Channing Dungey

Kimmel took aim at the fact that ABC Entertainment head Channing Dungey departed the network for Netflix, with Freeform executive Karey Burke stepping in to fill the gap.

“Privately, [Burke] asked me to make it clear to you the shows you’re seeing are not her fault,” Kimmel said. “I can’t believe Channing left us for Netflix. Who does she think she is, our viewers?” Kimmel also said he would borrow a Yiddish phrase to describe Dungey: “Such a Shonda.”

Felicity Huffman

Kimmel said he had been with ABC so long that he rememebered when shows like “Lost,” “Alias,” and “Desperate Housewives” were previewed. “When Felicity Huffman only played a scheming suburban mom,” he said.

“The Bachelor” Franchise

“Like the genital herpes it thrives on, ‘The Bachelor’ will never go away,” Kimmel said. He then brought up the fact the last season of the reality dating show cast their first virgin Bachelor in Colton Underwood. Kimmel said next season they were going in a different direction. “We got ourselves real life truck stop prostitute,” he said.

Constance Wu

There was no doubt Kimmel would take a shot at “Fresh Off the Boat” star Constance Wu and her displeasure at the show’s renewal. “Only on ABC is getting your show picked up the worst thing that can happen to you,” he said.

“Mixed-ish”

Kimmel said that the “Black-ish” prequel should have tested out some other names before going with its current moniker, joking when you say “Mixed-ish” five times fast it “sounds like an old Polish woman clearing her throat.”

“Modern Family”

Kimmel next paid tribute to the upcoming final season of the long-running and critically-acclaimed ABC sitcom. “‘Modern Family’ was the rarest of ABC shows — a hit,” he said.

CBS

Thankfully for ABC, Kimmel turned his attention to their rival broadcast networks, starting with CBS. “Remember last year when you guys gave Les Moonves a standing ovation?” he said. “That was funny. How is it possible the network whose logo is literally an eye did not see that coming?

Fox

Next up was Fox, with Kimmel going after the fact that Terry Bradshaw identified “Masked Singer” judge Ken Jeong — an American citizen of South Korean descent — as “the little short guy from Japan.”

“Was that some kind of concussion awareness PSA?” Kimmel said. “Poor Fox, they have nothing left. Fox is the network equivalent of a divorced dad’s refrigerator.”

NBC

“NBC has the Olympics. Did they mention that?” Kimmel said, lambasting the network for riding the Games to the number one spot among broadcasters. He also mentioned the three-season renewal for hit drama “This Is Us,” “or as Constance Wu would call it, a death sentence.”

Gen Z

Kimmel teased the advertisers by telling them, “We know exactly what Gen Z wants. Unfortunately, it’s Netflix.”

“By the end of the year 34% of homes won’t have ad based TV,” he continued. He then told attendees to check under their seats for a “cyanide capsule. Wash it down with some ‘Whiskey Cavalier.'”

Popular on Variety

More TV

  • Breaking Bad Movie

    'Breaking Bad' Movie: Watch the First Teaser for 'El Camino'

    In case you hadn’t heard, Emmy-winning drama “Breaking Bad” is cooking up a movie sequel. On Saturday, after details of Netflix’s project quietly leaked online, the streaming giant issued the first teaser for “El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie,” which will be released on October 11. Starring Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman, the “Breaking Bad” [...]

  • Breaking Bad

    'Breaking Bad' Movie Release Date, Title and Plot Revealed

    The “Breaking Bad” movie is coming to Netflix sooner than you might think. The film, titled “El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie,” is now set to be released on Netflix on Oct. 11, according to a report from the New York Times, with Aaron Paul returning as the series’ popular meth cook Jesse Pinkman. Jesse [...]

  • Laurence FishburneNational Memorial Day Concert Dress

    Laurence Fishburne to Produce 'Marvel's Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur' Series for Disney Channel

    Laurence Fishburne is stepping into the animation game. The “Matrix” star is set to executive produce “Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur,” an animated series which has been given the greenlight at Disney Channel. Based on Marvel’s comic book series, the show hails from from Disney Television Animation and follows the adventures of 13-year-old super-genius [...]

  • Aracne

    Chile’s Sanfic, Mexico’s Morbido Fest Pact to Promote Latino Horror (EXCLUSIVE)

    Mexican horror festival Morbido and Chile’s Santiago Intl. Film Festival (Sanfic) have agreed on a long-term collaboration intended to strengthen the genre film industry in Chile and across Latin America. This partnership will see Morbido representatives attend the Sanfic industry section each year to aid in the promotion of horror projects and advise those projects [...]

  • 'The Simpsons' Producers on Disney, Spinoffs

    'The Simpsons' Producers Talk Potential Disney Spinoffs, Confirm Apu Will Remain

    “The Simpsons” has never shied away from lampooning Disney over the years, but maybe that’s no longer the case. Homer, Marge and co. are of course now part of the Disney family and made their first appearance at the Mouse House’s D23 Expo convention, where the show’s producers were asked plenty of questions about what [...]

More From Our Brands

Access exclusive content