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Actress Beanie Feldstein has written a moving tribute to her late brother Jordan, longtime manager of Maroon 5, who passed away of a heart attack in December of 2017.

“It is impossible. Grief is just impossible. It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed,” the tribute, published in InStyle, begins. “To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus. But then there are those of us that unfortunately see grief in sharp, unrelenting focus.”

Feldstein founded management company Career Artist Management (CAM), which was based out of the Live Nation offices in Beverly Hills. In addition to Maroon 5, the CAM roster included Miguel, Elle King and Robin Thicke, among others. Some of those artists have moved over to Full Stop Management.

“He was a remarkably generous, intelligent, loving person,” the tribute continues. “He was an incredible father, beloved by his boys. He was a deeply devoted son. He was a brilliant creative mind. And he was my biggest brother. He gave me so many things, including my name. In this past year, I have learned an immeasurable amount about the bandwidth of my own heart. The pain is so unbearable at times, so unremitting. Yet, in addition to the deluge of feelings leaking out of me at all times, I have found the process of grief (because it is and will always be a process, never finished, never concluded) to be just as resonant in my mind as it is in my heart.

Beanie concludes with words about the “club” of bereavement, and solidarity for other members of it.

“A year ago, I found myself unwillingly in a new club. Well, new to me. A club that has existed for all eternity. A club that I wish did not exist. A club that every time people who are not in it don’t help me feel better, I feel grateful that the world hasn’t hurt them. It is a club full of suffering and questioning, but is also a community of people that have a truly broadened perspective on the human experience. And if you are also in the club, please know you are not alone, because I am also a begrudging member. And while I wish I could rip my grief glasses off my face and have it all be a dream, I try to recognize what the glasses have given me: that unique blend of humanity that is simultaneously the darkest dark and the brightest bright.”

Read the full post here. Feldstein appears in the film “Booksmart,” which arrives in theaters May 24.

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my new essay “grief glasses” for @instylemagazine

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