“Saturday Night Live” opened its Jan. 20 episode by taking jabs at Donald Trump’s doctor, Ronny Jackson, and the physical exam the Trump underwent that said he was 239 pounds.
Opening the show was Aidy Bryant as Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who acknowledged that today was the anniversary of the Women’s March but said there were “a million women out there to celebrate the president’s first kick-a– year in office. We did it, girls!”
After mentioning Trump’s plan for the border wall that includes “some parts see-through, some parts fence, and some parts just empty space that operate on the honor system,” Bryant’s Sanders went on to ask the press assembled for the conference in the cold open sketch to get #SchumerShutdown trending and then introduced Beck Bennett’s Ronny Jackson.
Bennett’s Jackson reiterated the stats from Trump’s real life physical exam but added he has a “44-inch coke bottle waist, legs seem to go on forever, size 12 shoes so you can fill in the blanks there.”
“The president has a rockin’ bod with the perfect amount of cushion for the pushin’ and if given the chance, I would,” Bennett’s Jackson said. “He’s healthy enough to be president for another 10 to 20 years easy.”
Kate McKinnon played a reporter who stood up to ask “How broke that brain?” to which Bennett’s Jackson said they did do a cognitive exam and the president “passed it with flying colors, no hints.”
Overall, the results were that when it came to ” the physical exam, the mental exam — the Tide pod challenge, [Trump] crushed it.”
Later in the episode host Jessica Chastain played the host of a show about Trump’s recent behavior called “What Even Matters Anymore?” in which contestants had to decide if things like sleeping with a porn star or firing Robert Mueller, the very man who is investigating him would matter.
On that latter point, when Cecily Strong buzzed in to say it would matter, she got the “wrong” noise.
“You were right that it would cross a line, but you were wrong to thing that it would matter in the least. Republicans would just shrug and just mumble something about Hillary’s emails,” Chastain said.
As the sketch went on, Chastain got visibly more upset with the pattern. “You’d think Trump supporters would get mad but then Trump blurts out, ‘Chuck Schumer did it,’ and everyone believes him,” she said. “It doesn’t even matter any more. Fake news, fake news!”
The final round asked the contestants to write down anything they thought would matter and lead to actual consequences, while Chastain as the host chugged wine. The guesses? Trump punches the Pope, cancels Olympics because flags are “gay,” and has sex tape with Don Jr.
“Nothing truly matters. None of it truly matters,” Chastain said, which caused Strong, Kate McKinnon and Kenan Thompson to break character and speak directly to Chastain to try to calm her down.
“There’s another election in 2018, and Democrats have a real chance at taking back — oh my God it really doesn’t matter,” Strong said.
Colin Jost and Michael Che led their “Weekend Update” segment by talking about Trump, as well, starting with the government shutdown and comparing it to “House of Cards” halting production because Kevin Spacey was accused of sexual misconduct. Jost noted that in the fake government they “got rid of the sexual predator president and got a female president instead,” while Che wondered if we would have to pay taxes for the full year or could get them pro-rated, saying the government owes us “an eagle or an apple pie or something.”
Turning to the allegations of Trump sleeping with porn star Stormy Daniels, Jost pointed out how vice president Mike Pence is a conservative who is basically associated with Caligula. “Pence would be more comfortable as a judge on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race,'” he said. And Che added that he personally expected more raunchy details about Trump’s sex life to emerge from such a story because “Donald Trump grabs women by the vagina as his opener.”
Strong then joined Jost and Che at the “Weekend Update” anchor desk with her take on Daniels, who said she is “like a liberal hero even though [she’s] a Republican porn star who loves Sarah Palin.”
“Things are so bad right now women are trying to figure out how they can be empowered by me, and the best they can say is I’m a female director,” Strong’s Daniels said. “Because unlike your industry we actually have female directors. Imagine that!”
She noted she may not be the hero people expected but she is “the hero you deserve right now.”
“Ladies, when it’s the one-year anniversary of the Women’s March, and you’re arguing over who gets to say #MeToo and who doesn’t, you get a Stormy,” she said.
Watch the cold open below:
Watch “What Even Matters Anymore” below:
Watch “Weekend Update” below:
“Saturday Night Live” airs live coast-to-coast Saturdays at 11:30 p.m. ET / 8:30 p.m. PT on NBC.