Baldwin, who had to sit out a few episodes of the 44th season of the late night NBC sketch series after he was arrested for assault and harassment in November, returned to portray Donald Trump in the cold open sketch of the first episode back after the Thanksgiving hiatus. Stiller appeared as Michael Cohen in the sketch, while Armisen came on as Mohammed bin Salman in the sketch that also featured Cecily Strong as Melania Trump, Kate McKinnon as Rudy Giuliani and Beck Bennett as Vladimir Putin.
Although the Trumps were in Argentina so the president could meet with European leaders at the G20 summit, the Mueller investigation was top of mind, with Baldwin as Trump noting that “it almost feels like he’s coming after me.”
“Cheer up, Donald. Worst case scenario you go to prison and have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me,” Strong as Melania Trump said. “I’m going to think of that worst case while I go soak in the bathtub.”
Baldwin as Trump took a moment alone, speaking to himself about having to face all of the European leaders again, who he noted just hate him because he’s a nationalist and “what did nationalism ever do to Europe?” But he didn’t have long with his thoughts, as Giuliani popped in to give him the latest on the investigation.
McKinnon’s Guiliani said that because he was involved, things weren’t going great. “This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity,” she noted.
“God I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t — you know all my secrets,” Baldwin’s Trump said. To this, McKinnon as Guiliani replied that those secrets were “kept where no one can find them: on nationally televised interviews.”
Trump and Cohen then hopped on a call, during which Baldwin’s Trump suggested giving up Eric to the feds by putting him “some old age makeup and a fat suit and say it’s me.” Stiller’s Cohen told him he was sorry but it was over.
“I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael; you were like a son to me,” Baldwin’s Trump said.
“Then why’d you make me do so much illegal stuff?” Stiller’s Cohen said.
“Because you were like a son to me,” Baldwin’s Trump replied.
Baldwin even went meta for a moment when, after he hung up the call with Cohen, he said he hadn’t been so mad since he “flipped out over that parking space,” referring to the fight to which led to Baldwin’s real-life arrest last month.
Of course, Baldwin’s Trump also commented on Putin’s “bro handshake” with the Saudi Prince at G20, to which Armisen walked out and expanded upon that moment with Bennett.
The group then closed the sketch singing a rendition of “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” during which Baldwin’s Trump changed the lyrics to say, “The truth is I’m very guilty/Some little no-nos/and maybe treason/but I kept my promise/oops no I didn’t.”
To bookend the episode, the women of “SNL” — Strong, McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Aidy Bryant, Melissa Villasenior, Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim — stepped on stage to put their own political spin on “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in which Mueller and the report were what they asked for.
“You better prove that Trump colluded/or that he kidnapped JonBenet. We won’t ask for much this Christmas/but at least throw us a bone. Tell us what the hell is happening/and who the f is Roger Stone. We don’t need a long ass doc/just a single page that shocks. Mueller, please come through. ‘Cause the only other option is a coup,” they sang.
“I just want to sleep at night/please make sure your case is tight/and make our wish come true/’cause, Mueller, all we want for Christmas is you.”
Watch the Dec. 1 “SNL” cold open below:
“Saturday Night Live” airs live coast-to-coast Saturdays at 11:30 p.m. ET / 8:30 p.m. PT on NBC.