Only one episode into “The Bachelorette” Season 13, we’ve already learned so much about the woman at the center, Rachel Lindsay. ‘N Sync or Backstreet Boys? ‘N Sync. Michael Jackson or Prince? Michael. Does she love chocolate? She sure doesn’t. Does she love a good corny joke? She sure does. Has she ever dated a Colombian guy before? “Not Colombian!” But she does give one a first impression rose. More on that later. But first … let’s meet the men in the running for Rachel’s heart.
Some of the dudes get special introduction packages where they get to act out a version of their real life (it’s mostly just a lot of fake legal banter), while others only get to meet America via their limo entrance.
First, the former. There’s Kenny, a professional wrestler who loves his 10-year-old daughter Mackenzie sooo much that he’s … leaving her for potentially months to go on a TV show! Don’t worry, they “had a long talk”! Then there’s Jack, a lawyer from Dallas — just like Rachel! Isn’t narcissism so sweet? Alex loves lifting weights, but — hold your breath — he’s also … a nerd! If you can even believe those two things can coexist. Mohit’s greatest accomplishment is “launching my startup.” Run! Blake E. doesn’t want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis, but … have you heard? Women love his penis! Diggy is a nickname! Ohhhhh. And Josiah? His brother hung himself in their backyard when Josiah was seven. Then Josiah was arrested at twelve, but went on to become a prosecuting attorney at the same establishment where he was prosecuted. Did that just got too real? Well, that’s about how smooth the transition was on TV.
And then … *loooong sigh* … there’s Lucas. Lucas’ profession is listed as “Whaboom.” Lucas is starved for attention. And I wish that could be all I write about Lucas in this recap.
One by one each man exited the limo and introduced himself to Rachel to varying degrees of ridiculousness. Peter kept it cool in a plaid jacket. They both have gap teeth, which is a shred of commonality. Fred upped the weird meter by revealing that Rachel was his camp counselor when he was in third grade. “I knew exactly who he was when he got out of the limo. He was a very bad kid,” Rachel said. Adam took things a step further by bringing with a doll named Adam Jr, which went from being one of the worst things on the episode to perhaps the best thanks to a bizarrely edited sequence with subtitles. There’s also Jonathan, the tickle monster, which must be added to the long list of inexplicable things one is forced to accept if one chooses to watch “The Bachelorette.”
One man worth singling out is Bryan, who is the Columbian referenced all the way back in paragraph one. He spoke Spanish to Rachel, which she seemed to enjoy. Later, he became her first kiss on the show. Rachel returned the favor by granting him the first impression rose — an honor she received from Nick Viall when she was a contestant.
Oh, yes, and Rachel! What a charmer. Throughout the whole episode she was nothing short of delightful. She seemed game to play along with the men’s desperate and often pathetic attempts to get her attention. This franchise has lasted long enough with its fair share of duds selected as Bachelor and Bachelorette, but Rachel (so far) is genuinely compelling, entertaining, and infectious. Meaning the franchise probably doesn’t deserve her, but, for all of our sake, thank goodness she signed on.
When the time came for Rachel to hand out her first bouquet of roses, of course, Lucas made the cut. The internet instantly erupted with comments such as “What producer made her keep him?” Can we just stop with the skepticism? Maybe Rachel just found “Whaboom” charmi— … nahhhh, that can’t be it.
Anyway, here’s who was beat out by a penguin and a “Whaboom”: Grant, Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Michael, Mohit, Jedidiah, and Milton. And with that, another engrossing and baffling premiere is in the can.
|‘The Bachelorette’ Season 13: Meet the Contestants|