The last time we saw “Beard Hunk,” he revealed to the women that he and Liz had a one night stand at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Drama! Then, nine months later she walked out of the limo, but since she hadn’t made enough of an attempt to contact him since their hookup and didn’t have convincing answers to his questions, he sent her home. Didn’t follow that? Great news: It does not matter at all.
Something that (unfortunately?) is more relevant to the rest of the episode: Corinne (and her trench coat, which probably should have been available to draft in “Bachelor” fantasy leagues).
That’s right — Corinne decides that, despite already having a rose, she will toss on a trench coat (and only a trench coat), grab a can to whipped cream and seduce Nick. “I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm,” she declares.
Nick has some really great commentary in the sequence that follows. “Is this a dress or a coat?” he asks Corrine. She squirts the whipped topping in his mouth. “You’re are a treat,” he says. She sprays some on her chest and makes him lick it off. “Oh, Corinne…”
Seemingly seconds later Corrine has a breakdown because her trench coat — most commonly associated with Sherlock Holmes and That Pervert on the School Yard — didn’t make Nick get down on one knee on the spot. “That conversation was so bad for our relationship,” she cries. “I just want to go home.”
Finally, 20 minutes into the episode, we arrive at the rose ceremony. But… where is Corinne? (She’s asleep in bed.) “I don’t want the women here to think that I’m validating her behavior,” Nick says while doing exactly just that. He proceeds to eliminate all the blonds, apart from Corinne who is safe, snoring away in her bed.
The first group date is with the Backstreet Boys. The women — including Corinne, Jasmine G., Danielle L. and… some others — have to learn a dance, and perform with the group in front of a live audience. The winner gets to be serenaded during a slow dance with Nick. Jasmine G., a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and current basketball dancer, is the clear favorite to win the dancing competition. Really, how could she lose? Corinne, meanwhile, has an existential breakdown in the bathroom because Nick is dancing with other women. Also, she’s bad at dancing.
It’s showtime and the girls break it down in front of the screaming crowd. The Backstreet Boys change the lyric to “Nick is back, alright!” It’s all very weird and hard to watch. (Probably not the pull quote they were hoping for to go on promotional material for their Vegas residency, but oh well.) Jasmine G. somehow loses to Danielle L. who also ends up getting the group date rose.
But during the second part of the date, Corinne still somehow finds a way to turn to the attention to herself. She tells the other women how much she misses her nanny, Raquel. Her what? Her nanny. Corinne, 24, explains to the other women that Raquel does everything for her — wakes her up in the morning, prepares her cucumbers and “cheese pasta.” Corinne repeats “cheese pasta” as if there is not already another name for that. The other women begin to break.
Vanessa gets this week’s one-on-one date with Nick, and the two board a Zero G plane. “Today, I am an astronaut,” says Vanessa, noted Canadian special education teacher. Nick becomes a philosopher in fake space — “You can’t control what you do, really” — and the two float around kissing without a care in the world. That is, until Vanessa starts to hurl. Painfully aware of the cameras, Vanessa graceful vomits into a bag, smiles, jumps around in the Zero G plane some more, and barfs again. And repeat. Nick, fully aware that Vanessa’s last meal has just exited her mouth, kisses her anyway. “I can’t believe you’re still kissing me after I puked,” she says. Who says “The Bachelor” isn’t really about finding true love? Back at the house, Corinne catches wind and orders five gallons of whipped cream and two-dozen trench coats.
The last date of the episode is hosted Olympians Allyson Felix, Michelle Carter and Carl Lewis. The American heroes, who have dedicated their lives to the sport of track and field, also agreed to appear on ABC to say words like “Nickathalon.”
After a first round of athletic events, the field of play is whittled down to three: Rachel, Alexis and Astrid. The final bachelorettes sprint to grab a giant diamond ring. The prize? Time with Nick in a hot tub. In an incredible feat of (athleticism? no.) post-production, the slo-mo footage shows Rachel in the lead. Her momentum knocks the ring off its stand, and as it fall to the ground, third place Astrid runs from behind and grabs it. At the same moment, Rachel steps on the bling and smashes it into tiny bits. Still, Astrid is somehow declared the winner, and hops into the hot tub. Rachel still gets the group date rose. Don’t try to make it make sense or, like the fake ring, your head, too, may explode.
This week’s episode comes to a dramatic finish when Chris Harrison announces that the cocktail party has been canceled — and replaced by a pool party! Corinne then cancels the pool party with her bouncy castle, which is not a euphemism. She actually takes Nick away from the party and into an inflatable castle and lays on top of him so he can’t leave. The other women turn on Corinne. “Straddling someone in a bouncy castle? No,” Vanessa scoffs, setting up next week’s episode which will almost definitely be insane and revolve almost entirely around Corinne. Until then!
How long do you think Corinne has left in this season? Weigh in below.