‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Nick Woos the Women With Shovels Full of Literal S—

Bachelor Recap
Courtesy of ABC

It’s the fourth episode of “The Bachelor” and… where were we?

“Everyone was really pissed off because Corinne was straddling Nick in the bouncy house.” Ah, that’s right — thank you, Raven.

Leading into the rose ceremony, most everyone is where we would expect them to be: Vanessa is confronting Nick about Corinne; Taylor is using words like “plethora” so we know that she’s The Smart One; and Corinne is fast asleep.

At the rose ceremony, Jaimi straightens her hair and is unrecognizable, and the women indicate that if Corinne gets a rose, s— will go down. Corinne gets a rose. “I’m so happy I got a rose. Now I get to make out with Nick for another week,” Corinne says, while Christen and Brittany return home, heartbroken.

After the ceremony, Corinne gives an eternal toast and everybody seems pissed off partially because they are disgusted by her presence, but mostly they just want to drink their damn champagne and get on with the night. As do we all.

Chris Harrison makes an entrance to announce that they’re getting on a plane (yes!) to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin (oh…) where they will almost definitely set a record for “most hair extensions.” Nick announces his first one-on-one date will be with Danielle L. and the two walk away from the pack on women, who look on like a hungry pack of well-manicured badgers (the Wisconsin state animal, of course).

Nick and Danielle L. walk around his hometown as he tries to impress her with his intellect: “I used to hang out at the library. Not to study — to make out with girls.” They run into Nick’s ex who third-wheels part of their date in the most painfully awkward way. Then Danielle and Nick sit by a soccer field where Nick implies he lost his virginity. “I have had many, many sexual experiences. No really, I have! I… I swear,” Nick didn’t say, but could have.

Nick tells Danielle L. that he thinks she is “nice” and “put together” in a way that makes it seem like he doesn’t think those are positive traits. She tells him about her parents’ divorce, and they go to a concert and make out in front of a crowd for the second time in two episodes. It’s their “thing.”

Up next is the group date with everyone except Raven who, at this point, knows she’s due for the final one on one. At the farm, the women learn their date is to do chores, and Corinne is unhappy: “I want to be in a spa being fed a nice taco,” she says, “Preferably chicken.”

Nick struggles to milk a cow, so Jaimi shows everyone how it’s done because, remember? She hooked up with a girl once, or something, and “The Bachelor” can’t let anything go. Then everyone is tasked with shoveling poop. Corinne asks “Why?” (good question, actually) and refuses to participate. We later learn that she had a “serious medical condition,” or something, but honestly it sounds made up.

During phase two of the group date, Corinne uses her spidey senses to realize that the other women all hate her, and opens up the floor for questioning. “If I did anything, come to me. Talk to me,” she says. Needless to say, she gets more than she bargained for. Corinne tells the camera she’s been attacked, but tells Nick that she feels “like a new woman.”

“I feel like there aren’t going to be any issues from now on,” she tells him. Corinne eats her words about 15 minutes later in the episode (hopefully they at least tasted like chicken). Kristina gets the group date rose, and Raven embarks on her one-on-one date.

Raven and Nick go on a date to his sister’s soccer game. She meets his parents, and it’s all very sweet. But the most important takeaway from the date is Raven’s story of how her last serious relationship ended. Here’s the setup: Raven gets a call that her boyfriend is making out with another woman at a bar. Raven grabs the keys and drives to confront him.

His door is locked, so Raven kicks it open. “He was actually on top of her, thrusting her,” she tells Nick during their romantic dinner. “I know what her vagina looks like.” The next detail is so good: “My head turned around like the exorcist,” Raven says. “I picked up her stiletto and beat him with it.”

Nick is won over by Raven’s “southern charm,” we’ll call it, and he gives her a rose, but back at the house, tension between Corinne and Taylor surfaces.

Taylor explains to Corinne what emotional intelligence is. It’s really riveting stuff. But, never fear, Corinne sees right through Taylor’s plot: “She was trying to tell me that I wasn’t stupid while telling me that I was stupid.”

Taylor gets to Corinne in a way that the other women don’t. Corinne doesn’t feel threatened by attacks for her being too sexual or aggressive, but when her intelligence is called into question, she fires back with her go-to line — that she runs a “multi-million dollar company.” This is all probably to set up a two-on-one date next week where Nick will have to choose between Corinne and Taylor.

Which woman do you think will be left stranded on an island next week? Weigh in below.