‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Nick Finds His Final Two in Frozen Finland (SPOILERS)

The Bachelor Recap

It may not make any “greatest cliffhangers in television history” lists, but seven days later, one question from last week’s “The Bachelor” lingers: Did Nick make Raven orgasm? Alright, stop clutching your pearls — this is “The Bachelor” in 2017, not 2015. Raven spells it out in last week’s episode. If you missed it, here’s the recap.

Raven and Nick wake up in Finland after a night in the fantasy suite. “Nick is really good at what he does, so I’m pretty satisfied today,” Raven tells the camera. Cue a montage of Raven making snow angels, sledding and peaking out from behind colorful walls.

Next up, Rachel, who ABC announced weeks ago will be the next “Bachelorette.” Ever since, every piece of footage of Rachel and Nick’s relationship has been treated like evidence: Where did it go wrong?

Rachel seems way too happy to be in Finland. It’s a “winter wonderland,” she says, “It’s like being in Narnia.” Clarification: She presumably means this to be a positive thing, despite Narnia’s perpetual winter being a curse.

Rachel expresses to Nick that she can’t believe that she’s still on the show — she didn’t believe that a connection like the one she has with Nick could be possible. “You’re rare. And refreshing,” she tells him.

“I might be white, but I’m still a minority,” he replies. Hmm.

Rachel tells Nick that she is falling in love with him. “Rachel, I am falling for you,” he says, “100 percent.” Where. Did. It. Go. Wrong.

Vanessa has the final date with Nick. Apparently the flight to Finland sucked up most of the budget because they spend their time together in a romantic ice bath.

“If we can do this together, we can do anything,” Vanessa lies.

The two run and dip their waists in the icy water, not even fully submerging their bodies. “It hurts,” Nick declares. We can only infer what he means by “it.”

Fresh off their freezing cold bath, Nick and Vanessa begin to argue about living in different countries. “Your family’s so traditional,” he tells her. “I’m not.” Still they find time to sleep together, and enter the suite. The next morning Vanessa dons a feathered shawl.

As the rose ceremony begins, Nick is already crying. Raven gets the first rose; Vanessa gets the second. This means Rachel goes home. Where did it… ?

Rachel, looking as beautiful as ever, cries. She says one line to Nick about how she thought they had something, but mostly stays silent and cries. What’s going on inside her head? Nick walks Rachel out in the snow, to the limo. They hug and it’s hard not to sort of wish he would slip and fall.

Rachel put herself out there and, despite the frigid climate, got burned. She deserves better and here’s to hoping that the many weeks ABC has spent promoting her as the next “Bachelorette” pays off with a great list of contestants.