The politically-infused monologue was right in Colbert’s sweet spot, and even featured a surprise cameo from Sean Spicer, who was introduced by the host as “Melissa McCarthy.”
1. Can you feel it? This room is crackling with the collective energy of people who, for the past 48 hours, have consumed nothing but distilled water and Crest Whitestrips.
2. If you do win, don’t forget to thank everyone who helped you get up here — namely, “Game of Thrones” for not being eligible.
3. Personally, I have to take a moment here to thank CBS chairman Leslie Moonves. I literally have to thank him. It’s in my contract.
4. These days, everybody loves streaming video — just ask Ted Cruz. But knock first. You don’t just want to walk in.
5. Millie Bobby Brown is here tonight. She’s amazing in that show, proving once and for all that there are roles for women in Hollywood over 12.
6. I’m sure HBO will take home a lot of Emmys tonight, which they’ll have to melt down to pay for next year’s hacker ransom. Too soon?
7. This has been a great year for diversity in television… there are so many talented African-American nominees — Jeffrey Wright, Viola Davis, Samira Wiley, Uzo Aduba, Anthony Anderson from ABC’s “Black-ish,” and of course, Bill Maher. I assumed he’s black since he’s so comfortable using the N-word.
8. Oprah is in the front row right now. Oprah was snubbed this year. What is wrong with you people? What in the immortal life of Henrietta Lacks is wrong with you people? I’m so sorry, Oprah — I was really hoping this would be your breakout year.
9. We all know that the Emmys mean a lot to Donald Trump because he was nominated multiple times for “Celebrity Apprentice,” but he never won. Why didn’t you give him an Emmy? I’ll tell you this — if he had won an Emmy, I bet he wouldn’t have run for president. So this is all your fault. I thought you people love morally compromised antiheroes. You like Walter White — he’s just Walter much whiter.
10. Unlike the presidency, Emmys go to the winner of the popular vote.