‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Nick Throws a Curveball, Symbolically Hits a Woman Smack in the Face

The Bachelor
Courtesy of ABC

How painful was this week’s “Bachelor” episode? Let me count the ways.

Following last week’s cry-fest, this week’s episode opened on the remaining six women sitting in silence. We’re led to believe that Nick is thinking about giving up, but it seems highly unlikely even in the moment — for one, there are several more episodes left in the season. Then again, it seems almost plausible that at least a few hours of screen time might be dedicated to Corinne talking about her “platinum vagine” considering how ofter that clip is played over the course of the next two hours.

“There’s a million reasons this won’t work out,” Nick tells Chris Harrison. But baby he just needs one good one to stay. “It’s you women that I’m most excited about,” he tells the half-dozen sullen beauties, and they all head to Bimini.

Where? Bimini, which, as confirmed by the graphic of a world map plastered across the screen (and Wikipedia), is a small chain of islands that make up the westernmost part of the Bahamas. Vanessa gets the first one-on-one date, leaving Corinne “frustrated and really bloated.”

During Vanessa’s date she is determined (read: manipulated, probably) to tell Nick that she loves him. Nick’s reaction? “I really, really like you. A lot.” Vanessa is upset, clearly illustrating that she doesn’t know how the show works. Waiting to say the “L” word is the one of the show’s many outdated, exists-outside-of-time quirks.

Next, Nick, Kristina, Corinne and Raven hop aboard a yacht for the episode’s only group date. Corinne names herself the “queen of group dates” and explains that she’s confident because, as a “boater,” she has experience.

During the date, Nick makes the women swim with sharks. “I will punch a shark in the face if it gets close to me,” Raven says, and no one doubts her. Weekly reminder that Raven barged in on her boyfriend sleeping with another woman and beat him with his mistress’ stiletto. Nick spends a lot of time with Kristina, gives Raven a rose. Queen Group Date throws a fit and starts referring to herself in third person.

The only remaining Danielle gets the first one-on-one date. Nick calls her “so sweet” in a way that clearly telegraphs that he will send her home. And he does.

Corinne, determined to usurp her throne, deploys the emergency Louboutins and heads to Nick’s room after-hours to “turn on” her “sex charm.”

“Sneaky, sneaky,” Nick says.

And one final time (apart from the After the Final Rose episode, probably, and our nightmares) we must heart that Corinne has a heart of a gold and a vagine of platinum. She takes Nick to his room where the cameras don’t follow. But the sound crew sure does because her “sex charm” is heard loud and clear. And it sounds like a preflight checklist: “Two hands on me at all times, no jiggle, only lightly massage.” But Nick calls things off prior to liftoff. “Slow down. I don’t think this is a good idea,” he says, adding, “Very tempting.”

While Corinne returns to study her book of sex charms, Rachel gets a one-on-one date to “do the local stuff.” Talk turns to hometown dates, and Rachel tells Nick that she has “never brought home a white guy,” but reassures him that she would only let him meet her family if she felt serious about their relationship. “I love sports, but I don’t play games,” she says.

“Nick is so unpredictable,” Corinne says noting that “He throws curveballs” and she is scared that one will hit her “smack in the face.” Fortunately for Corinne, but sadly for essentially everyone else, it is Kristina who is up to bat, and it is her face that is smacked (symbolically). Nick calls things off with everyone’s favorite Russian reality show contestant named Kristina, and heads into next week’s episode with his final four.

Oh yeah, also, hours before Monday’s episode aired, news broke that Rachel Lindsay will be the next “Bachelorette.” This added layers to all her interactions with Nick, knowing that she will be let go at some point as well.

Do you think Corinne can recover from her failed sex charm? What do you think happens to Rachel? Weigh in below.