‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Don’t Cry For JoJo, Argentina 

The season is half over and, is there something in the Buenos Aires air? These boys are getting cocky. But unlike Argentina’s soccer team, the final eight still have a shot at victory. (That one goes out to the non-existing Venn diagram overlap of Copa America and “The Bachelorette” fans.) “Hola!” the men greet JoJo because remember? They’re in Argentina.

From the top of episode we know that there is going to be a two-on-one date, which normally would mean it’s safe to skip to the last 30 minutes. But JoJo’s first date is with Wells, and it’s a good one.

Wells’ Kiss of Death

The men are shocked and appalled upon learning that Wells still hasn’t kissed JoJo. The date begins and Wells, whose spirit animal is somewhere between a turtle and a weasel, crawls into his shell/hole. Take your pick. The pizzicato strings and crooning clarinet in the background cue us in: Yup, it’s awkward!

JoJo and Wells go to the postmodern performance art show Fuerza Bruta where the two gets to roll around in a suspended pool of water. Finally, they kiss. “We did it!” JoJo cheers like he’s her pre-teen son who finished his math homework before dinner. “There’s a little tingle in my heart,” Wells says, clearly not referring to his heart.

Later, the two sit down to talk and it doesn’t go well. “You and I have built this friendship,” JoJo begins, so you already know Wells did not get a rose. 

Group Date Shootout 

Five men join JoJo on the episode’s group date, and James feels like the odd man out. “I don’t see myself as, like, this sexy dude,” he says before proving his own point with a series of soundbites like “I am on a quick train to I-love-JoJo-ville.” And if she picked him? “I’d be on cloud 10.”

The men play soccer to remind us that Jordan is athletic.

In a desperate attempt to stay on the show, James tells JoJo and that he’s “seen a different side” of Brother Rogers. Which is his really dramatic way of saying that Jordan corrected James during a poker game. “What does Jordan Rogers mean?” JoJo asks, regretting all those times she slept through Philosophy 101. Jordan Rogers means, James says, being entitled. 

When Jordan find out, he’s not happy. “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a game are such?” says Jordan, evolving into a cyborg mid-sentence. 

JoJo rises above the pointless drama and gives the rose to Luke. 

Two-On-One to Tango

“There’s three of us, but it only takes two to tango,” JoJo says, segueing perfect into her two-on-one tango date with Chase and Derek, which was really just a ploy to get some extra rehearsal time before “Dancing With the Stars.”

The men take turns tossing JoJo back and forth, but she must make a choice.

“Derek — I am so thankful for our conversation tonight.” And with that, he’s gone.

JoJo and Chase walk to a hall where a small group of string players serenade them. “Music is our thing.” JoJo tells Chase, claiming the most nonspecific ‘thing’ possible. Argentine folk singer Soledad Pastorutti belts out “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” from a balcony which is spliced together with a teary-eyed Derek riding home in a limo.

Rose Ceremony Twist

At the rose ceremony, we’re lead to believe that JoJo will whittle down the remaining six men to five. Before handing out the final rose, JoJo steps out. “James, Alex, I’m sorry — I just couldn’t hand out that final rose,” she says. But wait… She asked for a second rose! Everyone is safe.

This double rose business is most likely only delaying James and Alex’s elimination by one week, but it got the episode out on a high note. That is, until Alex calls out what we all know to be true: “We both got pity roses.” The real pity, of course, is ours for having to spend another week watching little Napoleon.

Was it worth keeping Alex and James another week? What does Jordan Rogers mean? Weigh in below.

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