After a 13-day gap between episodes, JoJo is right where we left her: in exotic Pennsylvania.
To mourn the loss of their dearly departed meat-lover, Chad, the remaining baker’s dozen (that’s 13 men) gather ‘round to distribute a container of protein powder like ashes from an urn, which they proceed to unceremoniously kick into the woods.
But wait — something is lurking in those Pennsylvania woods.
Chad is back, and he’s ready to…sort of confront the guys, sort of call Jordan out/squeeze his hand pretty tight, and leave — off to search for the next raw yam to devour, no doubt.
When Alex returns to celebrate, the men magically have streamers, fireworks and a tray full of cupcakes, which would not be the last producer plant in the episode. But chants praising Alex as “dragon slayer” soon die out and it’s clear that the drama is far from over. “All these guys are becoming mini Chads,” Evan whines only moments later.
At the first of two rose ceremonies this episode, Evan shockingly sticks around, and even James Taylor and his bloody eye live to (sort-of) see another ceremony. Say goodbye to James F. (Who? Exactly.) and Damn Daniel.
JoJo and the remaining 11 men head to Punta del Este, Uruguay.
In an effort to showcase the men in their vocations, the men take turns in Vinny’s barber shop. (For some strange reason, Evan doesn’t get to show off his line of work). Just like all good barbershops should, Vinny conveniently has a copy of InTouch magazine that includes — what? An article written by JoJo’s ex?! Clearly misunderstanding the concept of a gossip magazine, the guys treat the article like a peer-reviewed, scientific journal. “We read an article,” Alex says, explaining that the men are, in fact, capable of reading. “I read the whole article…like, three times,” James Taylor confirms.
Meanwhile, JoJo is in the middle of a confessional, talking about how she feels on top of the world when a Chad-sized cloud looms above the Uruguay skies. No, not that Chad. JoJo’s ex is also named Chad, sparking many fan theories of Chad singularity.
Chad, whose writing, if you remember, also made an appearance in Ben’s season of “The Bachelor” when he wrote JoJo a note during her hometown date, turns out to be the king of stirring the pot. So, what does the article say? Basically that JoJo’s in it for the fame, but not love. JoJo cries a lot, and the slate is wiped clean (presumably with a copy of InTouch).
With Chad gone, the guys scramble to find a new enemy — so when Jordan gets the first one-on-one date, sure, why not Jordan?
JoJo confronts Jordan about a rumor she heard from his ex-girlfriend that he was unfaithful. But her hard-hitting line of questioning turns more flaccid than one of Evan’s patients when Jordan tells her (paraphrasing here) that he was young and dumb and now he’s mature. She buys it, and gives him a rose.
Next, on the group date, JoJo and the men go sand surfing. They pretend to have fun, but it looks nothing short of miserable. One by one, they faceplant into the dunes and take turns getting sand blown in their eyes. Mother nature hears their silent prayers and sends rain. Derek basically guilts JoJo into giving him the group date rose, and the men are not happy.
Robby gets the final one-on-one which he spends cliff-diving with JoJo (another occupational tie-in since Robby was apparently an Olympic swimmer or something — but still, somehow we never got to see Evan work his magic). Super-aggressive Robby tells JoJo that he loves her. “And I told you I’m not gonna…” he continues stammering, but it’s a cliffhanger because JoJo performs the universal signal for ‘stop talking’ by pushing their faces together.
Now that Robby, Jordan and Derek all have roses, the rest of the men feel super insecure, so they all randomly decide to hate Derek. The charge is lead by none other than the “dragon slayer” himself, Alex. It doesn’t make much sense, but after glancing around the room and realizing that there’s no one left named “Chad,” they are understandably left with few choices.
JoJo eliminates Grant, Vinny and Evan. “I’m hurt,” Vinny says, leaving in tears, with his head down to reveal his terrible haircut in all its glory. But it’s not all that sad considering there’s almost definitely room for all of them in “Bachelor in Paradise” — premiering later this summer on ABC!
Is this season capable of staying interesting without Chad? Does anyone pose a real threat to Jordan? Weigh in below.