SPOILER ALERT: Do not read ahead, if you have not watched the Season 12 finale of “The Bachelorette.” The following post reveals the winner chosen by JoJo Fletcher.
Tonight is “The Bachelorette” grand finale, and Joelle Hannah Fletcher is confused. But, really, after weeks of staring at carbon copies of male specimens, juxtaposed with erectile dysfunction doctors, people who dress like Santa and human monsters who devour meat platters, whey protein and raw sweet potatoes, who wouldn’t be?
To help her make a decision, the final two men must face her family. Fortunately, ABC is as self-aware as ever and knows that The People will not be satisfied if they do not get as much screen time with JoJo’s wine-guzzling mom, Soraya, as possible.
Jordan goes first, and it doesn’t exactly go well. “He’s a playboy,” Soraya judges. “Give me your word that you will never break my daughter’s heart,” she demands.
“Who doesn’t like Jordan?” she asks. “That’s the problem.”
Later she explicitly says, “I don’t want you to go through with this.”
Not to mention Jordan leaves with a huge regret: He didn’t perform the extremely archaic task of asking her parents for permission to marry their daughter.
Robby goes next. Soraya is quick to weigh in: “He wasn’t flying off the roof.” Classic, Soraya.
“I want all that is Joelle Hannah Fletcher,” Robby says in an endless pursuit to try out every possible way of saying JoJo’s name.
After Robby leaves, JoJo meets back up with her family. “Not that I don’t like Jordan, but I think that Robby is more husband material,” JoJo’s family says.
“Everyone’s [team] Robby, right?” JoJo asks. Her family chimes in with a chorus of dissent that would imply that either they were edited in the first few segments to sound like they hated Jordan, or they were trying to make her utterly confused.
When we return for a suspenseful commercial break, JoJo is sitting on a beach in Phuket, Thailand. Get it? The next hour or so of the show is pretty close to dead air. JoJo and Robby make out underwater. Robby says that maybe he’s blinded by love. Next, Jordan and JoJo go on a boat. Then they kayak. Jordan digs himself into a hole about the whole “not asking for permission” thing. “I am scared and I don’t want to be scared,” JoJo says. This paragraph saved you an hour of watching television.
Before the proposals, the final two men choose rings with none other than jeweler extraordinaire, Neil Lane — Bachelors and Bachelorettes come and go, but Neil Lane remains Neil Lane. “It’s not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be hard,” the wise sage of bling tells Jordan.
In a last-minute plot twist, Jordan calls JoJo’s parents to ask for permission to marry her and they give their blessing. In a scene that came off as cheesy (even for “The Bachelorette,”) JoJo reads love letters from Jordan and Robby spliced with the men reading the letters.
At long last, the proposals have arrived. JoJo stands by the water waiting for the first man to arrive (whom she will reject). It’s Robby and she gives him the boot. “For some reason my heart is somewhere else,” JoJo says. It’s a long walk back to the limo, but (hopefully) the final time JoJo will ever have to say, “I don’t know how to do this” on national television.
Then Jordan arrives and JoJo gives him the thumbs up. When she hands him the final rose he responds, oddly, “It’s the heaviest.” At last, JoJo reached her final verdict which we only saw coming from the first episode. And with that, another season of “The Bachelorette” is in the books.
Do you think JoJo made the right decision? Is there any chance that she and Jordan are going to work out? What will Soraya say next? Weigh in below.