Jimmy Kimmel’s Best Lines From the ABC Upfront

Jimmy Kimmel took aim at competitors and colleagues alike in his annual appearance at ABC’s upfront presentation Tuesday in New York.

Here are some of his best lines:

  • On the exec shakeup that saw Channing Dungey replace Paul Lee as ABC Entertainment head in March: “This is kind of our family reunion every year. Where’s Uncle Paul? Oh that’s right, I forgot…. I hate to see anyone especially a British person lose his dental plan.”
  • “Channing Dungey is too humble to mention that she’s the first female African-American network president ever to pick up a show about a talking dog.”
  • On Fox’s decision to no longer release live-same-day ratings: “Their arguments would carry more weight if they were not in last place. It’s like the Knicks announcing they are no longer using the final score — it doesn’t reflect the reality of the modern basketball game.”
  • “CBS objects to the term ‘live’ because so many of their viewers aren’t.”
  • On the TV industry’s obsession with reaching millennials: “Are we really going to let the vaping, SnapChatting, music-stealing little f—–s determine how we do business?”
  • “18-49 isn’t our target demo — it’s the number of people who watched ‘Wicked City’ last season.”
  • “2016 is still an exciting time in broadcast television. In the same way 1937 was an exciting time to be on the Hindenburg.”
  • “Viewers love streaming content. I’m proud to announce our new show “Porn.” It’s a little slow at the start but stick with — it gets good at the end.”
  • On the group of movie remakes landing on the fall schedule: “All your favorite VHS tapes are coming to TV.”
  • On Fox’s inspiration to redo “The Exorcist”: “Gary and Dana looked at their ratings and started projectile vomiting.”
  • “Fox has ‘Lucifer,’ which you know is based on the life of their founder, Rupert Murdoch.”
  • “CBS canceled ‘CSI: Cyber,’ the last of the ‘CSI’ franchise. It’s amazing CBS is able to pickup anything considering the osteoperosis.”
  • On NBC’s “The New Celebrity Apprentice” with Arnold Schwarzenegger: “Donald Trump is right — immigrants are taking our jobs, starting with him. … But should a guy who knocked up his maid really be put in charge of an apprenticeship program?”
  • To the crowd of media buyers: “Don’t think of as us an old-fashioned TV networks. Think of us as an enormous paper shredder for you to pour $8 billion in to.”

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