If you’ve been keeping up with this season of “The Bachelor” — and really, how could you not be? — you know that out of an original pool of 30 women vying for the heart of farmer Chris, we’re down to two: Becca and Whitney. (Listed alphabetically, of course, so as to not disclose personal preference.)
The remaining two ladies are probably two of the blandest, least-volatile girls out of the original 30, so it seems Chris has actually done a pretty good job… at least at finding someone who won’t mind spending the rest of their adult life living on a corn farm.
In just one week, our Bachelor will announce which of the remaining two bores has won his heart. But in the meantime, we got the pleasure of remembering why we love watching the show by bringing back some of the 28 eliminated ladies, sticking them in a room and forcing them to meander down memory lane.
Memory lane is, of course, two hours long, and jam-packed with tears, unresolved feelings and backstabbing, so let’s cut the crap and get straight to the five strangest moments from this bizarre reunion:
1. Title swap
In case you missed it, towards the beginning of the episode, something incredible happened that was either a genuinely hilarious slip-up, or a stroke of editing genius.
Samantha’s name flashed across the screen, as the camera panned to a girl with brown locks, and caked-on makeup. The problem? It was the wrong girl.
If you don’t remember Nikki or Samantha, it’s ok: neither does ABC. Both girls had a decent run on the show (Nikki made it to week 4, and Samantha week 5) but the two girls combined probably got the same amount of screen-time as Whitney’s dog humping a stuffed animal.
We see you, ABC. We know you get it.
2. Snot rag
After watching Britt bawl all over the stage for the first few segments without batting an eye, one tear from Kelsey and Chris Harrison hands over his silk handkerchief… which she promptly uses to blow her nose.
Chris H. is visibly uncomfortable and tells her she can keep it.
“Are you sure? It’s silk,” Kelsey helpfully points out.
One of the most memorable (and bone-chilling) moments of the season was the clip of season villain, Kelsey, breathlessly declaring that the story of her dead husband, Sanderson Poe, (a real person, Google confirms) is “amazing.”
This disconcerting word-choice comes from the woman who thinks the other women are intimidated by her because she uses big words.
3. Ashley in paradise
Let’s take this moment to recognize that out of the original 30 girls that stepped out of the limo in episode one, thinking that maybe they would win farmer Chris’ heart and move to Iowa forever, only 17 decided it was worth their time to even show up for this reunion episode. And one of those 17 was Ashley S.
Did she do it for redemption? No. Did she do it in an attempt to mend her broken heart? Absolutely not. Did she do it to prove once and for all that she knows the difference between an onion and a pomegranate? Kind of, actually.
“I was inspired by the show, so I started growing onions,” she said. “I really have. Seriously.”
But also, she came back in order to be exactly as strange as she was the entire time she was on the show. In a last-second pay-off, Chris H. asked her if she would join the cast of the next season of “Bachelor in Paradise” (shout-out to Chris for saying exactly what we were all thinking).
“Do it! Do it! Do it!” the crowd chanted.
Ashley, meanwhile, proved once and for all that she’s way smarter than all of us.
“It’s so weird,” she observed. “Just that we’re all on TV.”
And that was that.
4. Eternal hug
Finally, Bachelor Chris made an appearance to face the rejected ladies.
A ridiculously long portion of time this episode was dedicated to Britt, and her great hair and her pretty tears. But Britt’s air-time would not have seemed quite so unnecessary had the cameras not lingered on her extremely earnest, awkwardly long hug with our Bachelor. The camera angle legitimately changed several times during the embrace. Britt and Chris’ hug got more screen-time than Samantha did all season.
Is ABC trying to prime us for Britt to be the next “Bachelorette”? There’s one thing we do know: Britt certainly hopes so.
5. The perfect letter
Perhaps the most exciting thing we learned all night (besides the fact that apparently the Bachelor has a blog?!) is that the king of romance himself, Chris Harrison, has spent the past few years (years?!) writing a romance novel called “The Perfect Letter.”
Who cares if it’s any good? We just have to applaud this guy for sticking to his brand. Book club, anyone?
“The Bachelor” season finale airs Monday, March 9 at 9 p.m. on ABC. Are you rooting for Chris to choose Becca or Whitney?