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Jimmy Kimmel’s Best Jokes from ABC’s Upfront Presentation

Jimmy Kimmel once again enlivened ABC’s upfront presentation with a standup performance that lobbed zingers at his own employer and plenty of others in the TV biz.

Here are the highlights:

  • “I spoke to Bob Iger — since we have ‘Avengers’ and ‘Star Wars,’ we don’t need money from you guys this year.”
  • Of ABC’s commitment to diversity: “We’ve got women, we’ve got men, we’ve got women who are turning into men.”
  • “We’re so diverse, when CBS drives by us they lock their doors.”
  • Noting the ratings success of Diane Sawyer’s Bruce Jenner interview on his transgender transformation: “We promise this fall someone on ABC will change genders every week.”
  • To ABC Entertainment president Paul Lee: “Without Shonda you’d be back at Hogwarts with the other Muggles.”
  • The death of Patrick Dempsey’s character in a car crash on “Grey’s Anatomy” was “not exactly the integration the people at Kia were hoping for.”
  • ABC News is now No. 1 in evening news “thanks to anchor Brian Williams.”
  • Regarding CBS’ plan to wrap up “CSI” next season: “They’re going to solve the biggest mystery — finding out who for the last 15 years has been watching ‘CSI.'”
  • “We have two hashtags at ABC: TGIT and OFITROFW — Oh F— It’s the Rest of the Week.”
  • He read a letter to NBC Entertainment chairman Bob Greenblatt following his performance with Dolly Parton at NBC’s upfront on Monday: “Dear Bob. We’re glad that Dolly Parton will always love you. After what you made us sit through yesterday no one else ever will. Signed, Everyone.”
  • “At ABC we don’t recycle old ideas. We work tirelessly to bring you terrible new ideas.”
  • “I just read in Variety that time might be running out for primetime television. Did you hear that? That’s print journalism saying that our time is running out.”
  • Kimmel closed with a semi-serious pitch to the crowd of advertisers to support broadcast TV. He brought out his 10-month-old daughter Jane (to much applause) and noted that she will graduate from high school in the year 2030.

    “When this network reboots ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ to make it into a series, I want to make sure she can pull up and watch it on ABC. For free. Only you can make that happen,” he said.


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