Jimmy Kimmel once again enlivened ABC’s upfront presentation with a standup performance that lobbed zingers at his own employer and plenty of others in the TV biz.
Here are the highlights:
“I spoke to Bob Iger — since we have ‘Avengers’ and ‘Star Wars,’ we don’t need money from you guys this year.”
Of ABC’s commitment to diversity: “We’ve got women, we’ve got men, we’ve got women who are turning into men.”
“We’re so diverse, when CBS drives by us they lock their doors.”
Noting the ratings success of Diane Sawyer’s Bruce Jenner interview on his transgender transformation: “We promise this fall someone on ABC will change genders every week.”
To ABC Entertainment president Paul Lee: “Without Shonda you’d be back at Hogwarts with the other Muggles.”
The death of Patrick Dempsey’s character in a car crash on “Grey’s Anatomy” was “not exactly the integration the people at Kia were hoping for.”
ABC News is now No. 1 in evening news “thanks to anchor Brian Williams.”
Regarding CBS’ plan to wrap up “CSI” next season: “They’re going to solve the biggest mystery — finding out who for the last 15 years has been watching ‘CSI.'”
“We have two hashtags at ABC: TGIT and OFITROFW — Oh F— It’s the Rest of the Week.”
He read a letter to NBC Entertainment chairman Bob Greenblatt following his performance with Dolly Parton at NBC’s upfront on Monday: “Dear Bob. We’re glad that Dolly Parton will always love you. After what you made us sit through yesterday no one else ever will. Signed, Everyone.”
“At ABC we don’t recycle old ideas. We work tirelessly to bring you terrible new ideas.”
“I just read in Variety that time might be running out for primetime television. Did you hear that? That’s print journalism saying that our time is running out.”
Kimmel closed with a semi-serious pitch to the crowd of advertisers to support broadcast TV. He brought out his 10-month-old daughter Jane (to much applause) and noted that she will graduate from high school in the year 2030.
“When this network reboots ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ to make it into a series, I want to make sure she can pull up and watch it on ABC. For free. Only you can make that happen,” he said.
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