Pity this year’s Emmy nominees: Now that the announcement has moved to 8:30 a.m. PT, fewer of them will be able to resort to their favorite stock reply when asked where they were when they found out the news: “I was asleep when my spouse/agent/dog groomer called to congratulate me.” Now that that cliche is being retired, it’s a good time to declare a moratorium on many other choice phrases uttered by talent contacted for Emmy bon mots. We ask that all actors print out the following cheat sheet — and bonus points to those with the courage to use honest answers.
INSTEAD OF THIS: “I haven’t had my coffee yet.” TRY THIS: “I’m high right now.”
INSTEAD OF THIS: “I didn’t expect this.” TRY THIS: “Given that 99% of the nominees get nominated 99 times in a row, this one was in the bag.”
INSTEAD OF THIS: “I’m just honored to be recognized by my peers.” TRY THIS: “Eat this, you Juilliard-degree-hugging bastards!”
INSTEAD OF THIS: “I’m disappointed that (insert name of fellow cast member) wasn’t also nominated.” TRY THIS: “My agent is thankful he can now ask for more money than that guy.”
INSTEAD OF THIS: “I’d be nothing without the writers who provide me all these great lines.” TRY THIS: “I’m going to thank the writers, just as soon as I meet one of them.”
INSTEAD OF THIS: “I’m just glad (insert name of studio/network) had the confidence in me to give me a job.” TRY THIS: “A nomination guarantees my character won’t be killed off, right?”
INSTEAD OF THIS: “The work is its own reward.” TRY THIS: “I’d rather have an Oscar.”