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BUYER: Bill Hader and Maggie Carrie
LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $3,050,000
SIZE: 3,400 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was from Yolanda Yakketyyak—natch—that Your Mama first heard word that Emmy-winning actor/voice actor/writer Bill Hader—he recently ended an eight-year run on Saturday Night Live—and his filmmaker wife Maggie Carrie shelled out $3,050,000 for a freshly constructed faux-Cape Cod in the L.A.’s posh, ocean-side community of Pacific Palisades.*

Now children, we don’t want to hate on Mister Hader because we like him. Well, we don’t know him personally, of course, but we like him, none the less. We think he’s a talented young man with a talented young wife who we would bet the devil individually possess far more talent in their baby toes than Your Mama does in our entire (and expanding) body. However, for a couple with such active and creative imaginations it’s just so ordinary. Expensive and luxurious and—one hopes—well built it surely is but, still, quotidian in extremis, like it belongs in a gated and densely built upscale housing tract. You know it does. Plus, there’s not even a pool or, as far as we know, a spa and the front door opens rudely right into the “formal” living room. Call Your Mama a useless snob—and we’ve been called so much worse, children—but for three million clams, even and in particularly in Los Angeles, we want a pool and a goddamn proper foyer or entrance hall.

Of course, our silly opinion on the matter matters not even a tiny bit. The sale price of a home is largely determined by location and what the market will bear and this house, in a much-coveted if tightly packed Pac Pal ‘hood, appears to have been hotly desired by multiple interested parties because our research indicates Mister Hader and Miz Carrie paid $155,000 more than the last published asking price of $2,895,000. Bam! Told you what Your Mama thinks is just a bunch of hooey.

Listing details show the two-story house has five bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms in about 3,400 square feet. The front if the house is defined and—let’s be honest—overwhelmed by a two car garage and a storage shed-sized front yard girdled by a white picket fence. Medium toned wood floors run throughout the main floor living spaces and there are (gas) fireplaces in the formal living room at the front of the house and in the family room area at the rear. The family room is opens to a marble-countered and walk-in pantry-equipped center island kitchen and adjoining breakfast nook. French doors open to a trellis-shaded deck that overlooks a compact but very verdant backyard area where there’s probably just about enough room to squeeze in a plunge pool and four-person spa with a whisper of space to spare.

This property gossip has no knowledge of the Hader-Carrie couple owning or previously owning any residential real estate—or any real estate of any kind, really—but that does not, of course, mean they don’t maintain a property portfolio worthy of a hardcore real estate baller.

*Property records on this one are pretty dang opaque, butter beans so, for the record, Your Mama can’t positively connect Mister Hader or Miz Carrie directly to the Pac Pal property in question but Yolanda tells us she’s “100% positive”and y’all can believe, hunties, that Yolanda ain’t in this crazy-ass racket to be wrong, damnit. Okay? Okay.

listing photos: Mark Singer Photography for Coldwell Banker