SELLER: Wilmer Valderrama
LOCATION: Tarzana, CA
SIZE: 5,039 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Sitcom star Wilmer Valderrama is on the move. After selling off the entirety of his (small) property portfolio over the last couple years, he’s now listed his multi-acre gated party pad compound in suburban L.A.’s hot and Hades community of Tarzana with an asking price of $3,495,000.
Mister Valderrama found fame (and certainly some amount of fortune) in the late 1990s and throughout the early and mid 2000s as the oddly accented, wannabe suave, and somewhat fey foreign exchange student Fez on the sitcom That 70s Show. Since the show went dark in 2006 Mister Valderrama has appeared mostly in small and recurring roles on numerous television shows (Suburgatory, Raising Hope, Royal Pains, and the animated series Handy Manny) and a handful of mostly unsuccessful movies including (Fast Food Nation, Larry Crowne and From Prada to Nada)
Along the way Mister Valderrama has become known to gossip glossy readers as a bit of a ladies man with a taste for troubled starlets. Some of the notches in his belt of romance and conquest include Ashlee Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore and Jennifer Love Hewitt. The 33-year old actor is often rumored and reported to have an on again/off again situation with singer/actress Demi Lovato who reportedly received a sweet birthday Tweet from Mister Valderrama while she was in Africa to celebrate her 21st birthday. Anyhoo…
Property records show Mister Valderrama picked up his Tarzana compound in June 2005 when he shelled out $3,525,000 for the 2.2-acre spread that he bought from action flick actor Chuck Norris. The party throwing actor ran afoul of at least one of his neighbors who last year filed a lawsuit against Mister Valderrama that claimed his frequent parties and constant noise from barking dogs disturbed his quality of life. We’re not sure how that legal kerfuffle turned out but we can all be certain at least one of Mister Valderrama’s neighbors is thrilled with his decision to sell.
Current listing information and property records indicate the property includes a 5,039 square foot single story main house with five bedrooms and five bathrooms, a separate, a 1,700 square foot two-bedroom guest house at the back of the property, and a 2,300 square foot multi-purpose structure plus a couple more outbuildings of various utility.
The main house isn’t without any charms or desirable qualities—private setting, huge center island kitchen, vaulted ceilings, and (here and there) wide-plank wood floors—but listing photographs show the residence is, in the main, woefully dated, depressingly drab, and pretty much devoid of even a whisper of decorative good taste. It looks, quite frankly, like a dank damn frat house.
There’s knotty pine paneling in the airy living room that should probably be removed or painted, and, although exceptionally large, the practically all-wood kitchen is in serious need of an update. The gloom and grime comes to full fruition in the two-room family room (above) that has a shallow, carved wood and stained glass fireplace inglenook, spotted and stained wall-to-wall red carpeting that is—to say the least—grim, and an elaborate carved wood bar that looks like it was ripped right out of a Victorian saloon.
One of the bedrooms (above)—a frightfully dreary room that might be in the main house or the guest house, we’re not sure—has nappy-looking wall-to-wall carpet of indeterminate color, a television set like a sad after thought on the window sill, and a smattering of Goodwill-quality furniture. Seriously, children, a person with even a modicum of decorum or shame could never in a million years put up a family member or friend in that room, not even a less favored friend or family member, unless it’s for a quick tryst with a paid companion.
Listing details indicate two of the guest bedrooms in the main house are “huge” and have fireplaces. The master suite (above) encompasses a spacious sectional sofa-accommodating sitting area and an alcove for the bed that can be closed off with a what appear to be brown velvet floor-to-ceiling drapery. The master suite has wall-to-wall carpeting that Your Mama couldn’t be paid to walk on bare footed, a walk-in closet, and a “luxury bath” appointed with a party-sized shower room and a black, multi-person spa tub.
While Mister Valderrama clearly does not care a lick about day-core, he does seem to take his outdoor amusements quite seriously. In addition to the barbecue-equipped roof top deck atop a detached four car garage, the sprawling and mostly flat grounds include: a $300,000 swimming pool and spa complex with waterfalls, a water slide and a grotto; a tennis court that does double duty as a basketball court; and a regulation sand volleyball court with a sand misting system.
A 2,300 square foot structure near the estate’s many sports and outdoor entertainment venues houses a dusky blue-walled office, a tomato red-walled conference room/lounge, a grass green-walled game room, and a home fitness room. Somewhere on the property, probably in the main house, there’s a media room with projection equipment and a lot of knick-knacks, artwork, books and other doo-dads that sort of give Your Mama a headache to look at.
We have no idea if he plans to upgrade, downgrade or downsize his real estate circumstances but we do know Mister Valderrama is determined to empty his San Fernando Valley-based real estate portfolio, even if it means selling at a loss.
Not only is his Tarzana compound currently listed for $30,000 less than he paid for it eight years ago, in the fall of 2011 Mister Valderrama dumped a 2 bedroom and 3 bathroom Sherman Oaks, CA, condo for $287,000 that he bought in the spring of 2003 for $297,000. Last week, with little or no fanfare, Mister Valderrama sold a worn out ranch-style residence in Encino, CA, for $890,000. Unfortunately for him and his bank accounts he acquired up the property in August 2006 for $1,099,000. That means Mister Valderrama took a $209,000 loss on the property, not counting carrying costs and—ahem—upkeep expenses, which he obviously kept to a bare minimum.