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Due to his well-documented homophobic slurs and much publicized violent assaults Your Mama knows that a some of y’all don’t care to hear a thing about Grammy winning pop/R&B artist Chris Brown. We feel you, puppies, we really do. But we just can’t help it just like we—like most people—can but help but look for tragedy when we pass a car accident Not among the interested? Well, we suggest that rather than whine like a six year or try to slay us with your poison-laced words that you simply pull up yer big gurl panties and hold your damn horses until Your Mama comes up with something more to your celebrity real estate liking. We can’t be the butter for every child’s toast every day, you know. Okay? Okay.

As was expected by property gossips, young and volatile Mister Brown—he’s but 24 and, as Your Mama types our digits to the nubbins, currently ensconced in a court-ordered anger management rehab facility—put his elevator-accessed four-plus story hillside house in the Hollywood Hills on the market a few days ago for $1.92 million. This is the same house, digital and print tabloid readers will recall, that lights up at night like a lavender-hued Christmas tree and where Mister Brown (in)famously inflamed the dander of some of his neighbors with massive, monster-themed graffiti murals he had painted on a street-level retaining wall in front of the house.

One of the neighbors complained to the L.A. Times in May (2013) that, “There are lots of babies, lots of children, and they’re literally frightened. It’s like devils on the wall — big scary eyes and big scary teeth…” Apparently the wall murals were in violation of some sort of code or ordinance and Mister Brown was ordered buy the city to remove them or face escalating fines.

The murals were removed in July (2013) but Mister Brown renown attorney, Mark Geragos, made sure to let the L.A. Times know that his client did not remove them due to neighbors’ complaints or legal pressure but rather because he planned to sell the house. That sounds perfectly reasonable except that listing photos show similar, Crayon-colorful graffiti murals of monster characters completely cover the back wall of the airy, open-concept main living area.

The thing is, children, we don’t hate the murals in the living room. We would most certainly not want all those snaggle-toothed monsters glaring at us with their salivating mouths in our own home but we can and do appreciate the audacity and commitment required to have such a work of art—or artistic expression—installed in one’s home.*

And, did y’all take note of the top floor master suite? If there’s anything Your Mama loathes in contemporary home design than these trendy open-concept master suites that provide exactly zero privacy it would most certainly be that lurid, lipstick red soaking tub that Mister Brown had installed right on the open border between the bedroom and bathroom. Have mercy! Sure, it matches the rather rococo gilt and red velvet throne and wrinkled drapery, but child, pleeze. How does any sane person not see a lipstick red bathtub as the very picture of decorative douche baggery? Surely that is a worse offense than a black commode, right? (Will somebody please bring Your Mama a nerve pill to settle our frazzled sensibilities?)

Don’t misunderstand Your Mama. We don’t hate this house. In fact, we sort of like its Rubik’s cube-like architectural complexity. What we don’t care for is its night-clubby attitude. Call us old-fashioned—and we have been called much worse, we can assure you—but Your Mama just doesn’t see the appeal of living in a house decorated like an upscale strip joint. We just don’t. But that’s really neither here no there, is it? Anyways…

Mister Brown still owns a penthouse condo in West Hollywood that’s currently on the market for $1.6 million and her reportedly made an offer on a house in a star-studded gated enclave in Malibu but iffin we’re honest—and we always are—we’d confess we don’t have any specific intel on that.

*P.S. As far as this property gossip is concerned, the several other murals on the walls (and ceiling) in other locations throughout in the house are woefully ill-advised, a stylistic overkill that, quite frankly, diminishes the face-slapping power of the mural in the main living area. Anyways…


listing photos: Coldwell Banker