SELLER: Drake Bell
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,400,000
SIZE: 3,400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Your Mama received a covert communique from a lovely lady we’ll call Mustang Sushi who snitched that former child star, musician and reality game show contestant Drake Bell has heaved his hillside casa in L.A.’s celeb-friendly Los Feliz neighborhood on the market with a $1.4 million price tag.

All T. no shade, children but Your Mama didn’t have a clue who Mister Bell is until we Blackled him and found out he was kind of a big deal in his later teen years when he co-starred on the wildly popular teen- and tween-oriented Nickelodeon sitcom Drake & Josh. Young Mister Bell, now in his mid-20s, penned the theme song for the partially eponymous program for which he received three consecutive Kids’ Choice Awards for Favorite Television Actor.

Since Drake & Josh went dark in 2007 Mister Bell has appeared in more than a dozen television sitcoms and movies. He currently voices Peter Parker on The Ultimate Spider-Man and he appears as a contestant on the currently airing Joey Lawrence co-hosted reality game show Splash on which celebrities, semi-celebrities and former celebrities—many of whom Your Mama has never even heard of—strap themselves into sparkly bathing costumes and attempt to execute a variety of springboard and platform diving maneuvers.

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As it happens Your Mama knows a thing or two about the sport of diving so we tuned in to Splash…once. We know it’s not easy for an a non-diver to throw a forward 1.5 somersault in the pike position from the 10 meter platform like Mister Bell successfully but inelegantly did. And Your Mama knows as much as anyone that it takes real guts to get on national t.v. in a body revealing bathing suit. Never the less we found the whole thing bizarre to the point of surreal, uncomfortably nerve wracking and, well, vicariously humiliating to the degree that Your Mama and The Dr. Cooter had to split a damn nerve pill and an entire bottle of rosé just to get through pool side spectacle.

Mister Bell, some of y’all may know, has been much in the celebrity gossip blogs lately for his ongoing Twitter feud with Paris Jackson, the 15-year old daughter of the late Michael Jackson. Apparently she tweeted her annoyance over his snarky tweets about gangsta-pop entertainer Justin Bieber and his unreservedly fervid army of “Beliebers.” He tweeted that she should know her place. She tweeted about him blocking her and so on and so forth. Could there be anything any more unsettling and depressing, butter beans, than a grown man having a digital slap fight with a teenage girl? No, there really isn’t is there? Anyhoo…

Property records show young Mister Bell picked up his vintage, 1920s Spanish casa in Los Feliz in May 2007 for $2,050,000. Mister Bell has been on a short but wild real estate ride since he first pushed his house on the open market on the 20th of April with a $1,350,000 price tag. Two days later the house was in escrow and two days after that—having fallen out of escrow for reasons Your Mama knows nada—the house was re-listed at the inexplicably higher price of $1,630,000. The property was quickly de-listed and then re-listed the very next day with a much lower (but still higher than original) asking price of $1,400,000.

It doesn’t take too much flickin’ and clickin’ on Your Mama’s beloved bejeweled abacus to see that even if he sells the house for its full $1.4 million asking price Mister Bell stands to lose a toe curling $650,000 not counting carrying costs, improvements and real estate fees. Interestingly, as pointed out by our informant Miss Sally, listing details reveal Mister Bell’s house is somewhere in the foreclosure process and any short pay sale will—natch—be subject to lender approval. That means, of course, Mister Bell could not only lose his proverbial shirt but also his credit rating.

The walled and gated three floor abode has four bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms in 3,400 square feet according to listing details that go on to describe the residence as “turn key” with “Vintage accents, alcoves & arches, balconies, professional faux finishes throughout, custom paint color, designer fixtures & elegance that flows from room to room.” Needless to say, perhaps, but Your Mama isn’t sure the mucked up ceramic tile floors on the stairway between the living and dining rooms qualify as “turn key” and we are outright mortified by all the “professional faux finishes” seen throughout such as the strongly striated business that gives the living room walls the distinct the look of water staining.*

A rotunda entry with multi-colored stained glass windows steps down to the spacious formal living room that has dark wood floors, an extra-high ceiling crossed by carved wood beams, large windows and a tile-accented fireplace surmounted by a large flat-screen t.v. that’s tied into an integrated surround sound system. Mister Bell has furnished the room in a kind of high camp decadence with a baby grand piano, a huge glass chandelier, decorative books and a lot of other this and thats that look like maybe a suburban Auntie Mame sort of lady might have picked out. It’s all rather odd for a 26 year old man, right?

The upper level formal dining room overlooks the living room through an arched cut out and has glass doors that open to a small balcony with city and swimming pool views. Another wide archway joins the dining room to a dim-looking library nook and the kitchen, located across a corridor from the dining room, looks well-equipped (if dark and brooding) with heavily grained slab stone counter tops, dark chocolate-colored wood cabinetry, paver tile flooring and high-quality name brand stainless steel appliances.

Two of the four bedrooms are located on the home’s lower level and, according to listing details, share a Jack ‘n’ Jill bathroom. One room is currently used as a home office and the other a den/t.v. lounge where the closet was converted to a full wet bar/mini kitchenette with sink, under counter fridge and built-in microwave. Both of the other bedrooms are, according to listing details, a master bedroom. One has a private entrance, both have private modern bathrooms and both have—like the living room— bordello-like day-core that Mister Bell (or his nice-gay or lady decorator) worked over in a uniform palette of earth tones and includes (but is far from limited to) decorative extravagances like a brocade coverlet, a brown tufted velvet headboard and pasamenterie trimmed taffeta and velvet drapery.

A long brick stairway bob and weaves its way down the hillside from the back of the house where it connects to a tree-shaded terrace and a swimming pool ringed by a thin strip ratty-looking grass and a thicket of foliage that looks like it could use some attention by Javier the jardinero.

*We have not, children, suggested the walls of Mister Bell’s abode are actually water stained. We’re saying the “professional faux finish” as seen in listing photos looks to Your Mama like water staining. Okay?

listing photos: RE/MAX Fine Homes