YES. YES. YES. Syfy’s string of ridiculous Saturday night movies promise so much awesome, it’s better than a Mega-Sharksquitopus attack. Syfy promises 24 originals on the night next year — many of which at least sound destined for cult status.
Two words: Barry Williams. Sorry, one more word: Tiffany. OK, three more: “Mongolian Death Worm.” What’s to come:
MEGA PIRANHA – Premieres Saturday, April 10, at 9PM (ET/PT) — An unusual alliance tries to stop a mutant strain of giant ferocious piranhas that have escaped from the Amazon and are eating their way to Florida. Stars Barry Williams, Tiffany and Paul Logan.
MOTHMAN – Premieres Saturday, April 24, at 9PM (ET/PT) – The legendary West Virginia monster returns to exact revenge on five childhood friends who covered up an accidental killing. Stars Jewel Staite.
MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM – Premieres Saturday, May 8, at 9PM (ET/PT) -. A treasure hunter who has been searching for a tomb containing Genghis Khan’s treasure teams with a humanitarian UN health worker to stop the Mongolian Death Worms, awakened by experimental oil drilling in the Mongolian desert. Stars Patrick Flannery and Victoria Pratt.
WITCHVILLE – Premieres Saturday, May 22, at 9PM (ET/PT — This first Syfy production in China is a sweeping fantasy tale of a kingdom besieged by witches who are sucking the very life out of the land. Only the new King can save his people, but his mysterious connection to the Red Queen of the witches may be his undoing. Stars Luke Goss.
SHARKTOPUS – Genetically engineered as a stealth weapon, a shark/ocotopus hybrid escapes captivity and goes on a killing rampage on the beaches of Mexico. Stars Eric Roberts and Hector Jimenez.
LAKE PLACID 3 – In this sequel, a game warden, his wife and their young son move into their aunt’s cabin on Lake Placid, where the lonely boy starts feeding baby crocodiles he views as pets. Three years later, the crocs start looking at him and his family as their food. Stars Colin Ferguson.
STONEHENGE APOPCALYPSE – When the giant stones of Stonehenge begin to move and cataclysms occur all over the earth, only a fringe radio talk show host who’s an expert in UFOlogy figures out that the ancient monument is really alien technology. Stars Hill Harper, Misha Collins and Peter Wingfield.
THE LOST FUTURE – In a post-apocalyptic world, both humans and animals have devolved back to the Stone Age. But a small group of wise men knows there is knowledge in the mysterious artifacts called books. Now they have found a young man who knows how to read. If they can defeat the warlord who rules the city where the books are kept, the young man can help them defeat the disease that decimated the world and restart civilization. Stars Sean Bean.
SCREAM OF THE BANSHEE – An archeology professor unearths a dangerous relic, releasing a creature that can kill with her bone-splitting scream. Stars Lauren Holly and Lance Henriksen.
MORLOCKS – An experimental time machine opens a window into the future and mutated monsters (the Morlocks) use it to come back to the present and go on a murderous rampage. Stars David Hewlett (Stargate Atlantis).
RED – A descendant of Little Red Riding Hood brings her fiancé home to meet her family and tell him about the family business – they are werewolf hunters. When the fiancé is bitten by a werewolf, he finds himself the hunted. Stars Felicia Day, Kavan Smith and Stephen McHattie.
Wait — “Red”? Seriously, Syfy, you’re getting a little lazy there toward the end of that list. Let’s get to work on a better title — how ’bout “LITTLE RED WEREWOLF HUNTER.” You’re welcome. Now, can I have a little of whatever you guys are ingesting over there?