Although the Emmys extend bids to over 500 nominees, given the depth and breadth of television and media, they obviously can’t recognize everybody.
And so, with NBC’s Emmy telecast mere days away — punted into the midst of an August heat wave by “Sunday Night Football” — we inaugurate the Lowrys, designed to single out those overlooked and underappreciated parts of the industry.
Oh, and since every other bogus, made-up award now seems to have its own TV deal, well, you know where to find me.
And the winners (and a few losers, whom we’ll politely call winners) are:
Boffo Billboard Award: The CW, for “Nikita.” Or “Hellcats.” It kind of depends on my mood.
I Didn’t Want to Come to Your Party Anyway Award: The producer and stars of FX’s “Sons of Anarchy,” who seized upon their lack of Emmy nominations as an opportunity to indict the whole exercise during the TV Critics Assn. tour. Star Charlie Hunnam called the awards a “crock of shit,” while series creator Kurt Sutter labeled the process “flawed.”
There’s always an element of truth in that — no awards are going to please everyone — but frankly, such criticism sounds better coming from someone who wasn’t omitted. But don’t worry, guys, the Emmy bad-mouthing didn’t look the least bit petty or bitter.
By the way, the Pulitzer Prize? Totally for nimrods and hacks, from where I sit.
Money Can’t Teach Me to Act Award: Shared by Dallas’ energetic sports-owner duo — the Cowboys’ Jerry Jones and Mavericks’ Mark Cuban — who both play themselves, pretty badly, in the current season of HBO’s “Entourage.”
Stop, My Sides Ache From Laughing Award: Rob Silverstein, exec producer of “Access Hollywood,” who in announcing a new spin-off version of the show also hosted by Billy Bush told Variety, “Most entertainment is presented in an idiotic way. We’re trying to raise the bar and are perfectly situated to pull this off.”
The Kids Are Alright Award: “Friday Night Lights” and “Huge.” There’s a faulty assumption that programs dealing with teenagers or high-school life somehow must stoop to conquer. Both of these shows brilliantly demonstrate that doesn’t have to be the case.
Perseverance Award:CBS and “Hawaii Five-0” star Alex O’Loughlin. In days of yore, CBS CEO Leslie Moonves kept casting George Clooney and “The Mentalist’s” Simon Baker in series until one of them finally caught on. Undaunted by “Moonlight” and “Three Rivers,” the network deserves kudos for maintaining its faith in the hunky Aussie actor by giving him a third bite at the apple.
Of course, if this one doesn’t work, all that’s left is to go for broke and cast O’Loughlin as a crime-fighting vampire surgeon in Hawaii.
Pity Party Award: To Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Somehow, after foolishly uttering a racial epithet nearly a dozen times on her radio show, the tone-deaf host transformed herself into a 1st Amendment martyr.
If Dr. Laura called her show spouting such nonsense, she’d chew herself out.
Meaningless Award Award: MTV’s Video Music Awards. Let’s face it, this event might have “awards” in the name but doesn’t really exist to honor anybody for anything. The sole purpose, rather, is to generate outrageous YouTube-worthy moments and make moral scolds like the Parents Television Council absolutely nuts.
Tilting at Windmills Award: The Parents Television Council. At this point, they should fulfill their Whac-a-Mole-like mission to eradicate smut in media around the same time President Palin signs the mandatory gun-ownership amendment. At which point we’ll have much bigger problems than crude gags on “Family Guy.”
Har-dee Har Har Award: The HBO pilot “Tilda,” which, as Entertainment Weekly reported, has already been riven by behind-the-scenes discord. Granted, there’s nothing particularly new in such creative conflicts arising, but given the show’s inspiration — an irascible Hollywood blogger — it’s hard to believe the entire affair hasn’t been one long picnic of sweetness and bliss.
Worthy of the Hype Award: “Boardwalk Empire.” Look for a full review closer to the Sept. 19 premiere, but having previewed six episodes of HBO’s Terence Winter-Martin Scorsese collaboration, here’s an early toast to this Prohibition-era drama. Let the salivating begin.