BUYERS: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper
LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $4,700,000
SIZE: 3,335 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: There is a long list of ladees in Tinseltown who ride the cruel merry-go-round of romance and, the wee lassies, get nothing but dizzy and tossed off onto the hard black top of life. Among those famous gals unlucky in game of love are Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and, of course, the too sinewy former cheerleader and Oscar winner Renée Zellweger. Among her long list of high profile and erstwhile paramours (and hook ups) we have Jim Carrey, Matthew Perry, Jack White, Kenny Chesney–to whom she was married for about as long as it takes Your Mama to suck down a pitcher of gin & tonics, Luke Perry, John Krasinki, Paul McCartney, Andre Balazs, Dan Abrams and, since sometime in June of 2009, Bradley Cooper, currently one of Hollywood’s hotsiest totsies.

Miss Zellweger burst into the unforgiving klieg light of fame opposite Tommy Crooz in the 1995 movie Jerry Maguire. The itty-bitty, squinty eyed actress has gone on to appear in a number of other films like Nurse Betty, Me, Myself & Irene, Chicago, Cinderella Man, and Cold Mountain, a fine film which earned her an Academy Award. However, for better or worse, she is perhaps best remembered for the Bridget Jones’s Diary film franchise. Miss Zellweger packs pounds on the pounds for her role as the normal woman-sized Bridget Jones, which must freak the bejeezis out of the usually asparagus stalk thin actress. Lucky for her, her over-eating efforts have earned Miss Zellweger an Oscar nomination not to mention several super-sized pay checks.

Although Your Mama has only come to know Bradley Cooper’s name and face recently, he’s actually been around for quite some time and claims a long resume that includes multiple episodes on boob-toob programs such as Touching Evil, Jack & Bobby, Alias, Kitchen Confidential, and Nip/Tuck. Mister Cooper also appeared in films like All About Steve, He’s Just Not That Into You, New York, I Love You, and the surprise hit of 2009, The Hangover. For his recent efforts he has become one of the hottest male properties in Hollywood with two films in the bag and at least 5 more in development. He is, perhaps, a George Clooney in the making, only without all the gay rumors…oh, wait

Just months after first coupling up, the pair started tongues wagging and making real estate headlines in all the tabs and gossip glossies with their frequent house hunting excursions in the coastal communities of Los Angeles. Their search ended just a few days before Christmas 2009 when they closed on a contemporary residence in the Rustic Canyon area of the posh ocean side enclave of Pacific Palisades, CA. As far as Your Mama can tell, the 3,335 square foot house was never on the open market but property records show the the couple paid $4,700,000 for the house, which was built in 2002. Most reports say the a-list lovelies‘ new house has 4 bedrooms but according to the tax man there are three poopers and three bedrooms.

Listen butter beans, far be it from Your Mama to cast shade on anyone’s love life. Relationships are hard enough without being in the glare of the spot light and having assholes like Your Mama giving out free and unsolicited criticism and advice. But let’s get real for a moment. What kind of damn fool goes buying up multi-million dollar real estate with someone to whom they’ve been attached for only six months? Seriously. We’re sorry to say, but this lovey-dovey let’s move in together situation between Miss Zellweger and Mister Cooper has all the hallmarks of romantic catastrophe, especially when you consider poor Miss Zellweger and her rather dismal track record in the love department. To pilfer a phrase coined by our bff Fiona Trambeau–who is at this very minute working her Wow! Wear on a rickety stage in the rode hard and put away wet “ballroom” of some damn Best Western hotel in Godonlyknowswhere, North Carolina–this can only end in tears. We do hate to rain on Renée’s relationship parade, but, gurl…pleeze…you really ought to have more sense than this. We believe your feelings are sincere , your love pangs real, and we’re not saying the two of y’all aren’t destined to grow old together. However a little caution and emotional objectivity here would probably go a long way towards staving off and possible future heart break and turmoil not to mention the hassle of having to sell a house you bought with your new man. Your Mama can only hope that this house in Pacific Palisades was, in actuality, purchased by just one of the two star crossed lovers and all this buying a house together stuff is just manufactured hoo-ha by the tabs and gossip glossies. Whatever the case, we understand that neither of the two impulsive lovers have yet to move in due to continuing renovations to the property.

Anyhoo, our presumptuous prophesies about the future of the pretty pair’s relationship aside, let’s move on and have a look-see at the long list of properties besides their new nest in Pacific Palisades the couple own.

In November of 2004, according to property records, Mister Cooper dumped $1,199,000 on a modest house in Venice, Calif. It’s been widely reported–and confirmed to Your Mama by someone in the position to know–that Mister Cooper and Miss Zellweger have been shacking up in Mister Cooper’s casa when they’re in Los Angeles. According to the tax man, the east of Lincoln Boulevard property measures 1,421 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 2 poopers, one of which, it has been reported, Mister Cooper has turned over to Miss Zellweger who has filled it with “candles, perfumes, and make-up–even pajamas and an electric toothbrush.” Why does that make Your Mama feel queasy?
Recent reports reveal that Mister Cooper also purchased a three floor loft townhouse–or five floor loft townhouse depending on how one counts–at the newly constructed Dogtown Station condo complex in Venice, CA. Marketing information for Dogtown Station shows the airy townhouse measures 2,198 square feet and includes such dee-lovely dee-lights as 18-foot ceilings, polished concrete floors, a gated subterranean garage for two cars, and a roof top terrace with all around views. The interiors are comprised of an open-plan area and utility pooper on the ground floor, a loft, a third floor “personal space” with a petite patio and a pooper with a party-sized shower and a stacked washer and dryer. It’s unknown what Mister Cooper paid for the place, but according to previous reports, it was last listed at $1,250,000 and he plans to use the live/work loft townhouse as office space for his 22nd and Indiana production company. The children should keep in mind that the floor plan above is a sample plan and may or may not be representative of Mister Cooper’s condo.

Miss Zellweger, who sometimes scoots around town in a convertible Mini Cooper–which the children have to admit is sort of funny because she scoots around on a mini cooper at home too–is a very wealthy woman and commensurate with her big bank accounts owns at least four personal residences. That, children, is in addition to the one in Pacific Palisades she allegedly purchased with her current man-friend.

According to property records and Celebrity Address Aerial, in February of 2000 Miss Zellweger bought a west coast abode located down a long gated driveway at the top of Nichols Canyon on celebrity lined Woodrow Wilson Drive. Records show she paid $1,875,000 for the 2,718 square foot residence, which she bought from musician Jakob Dylan. That would be Bob’s son. A peep and a poke around the records shows that Miss Zellweger sold this 3 bedroom and 2 pooper property back in 2003 and bought a celebrity-style estate in Bel Air for which she reportedly forked over around $6,800,000. The high-hedged and gated 1930s mansion measures 6,410 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers in the main house as well as additional bedrooms and terlits in the guest house, staff quarters and pool house. Miss Zellweger didn’t hang her Jimmy Choos in Bel Air very long because, according to her, she didn’t particularly care for paying a fat mortgage so that her pussy cat could have a home while she careened around the world making movies. Just over a year after buying the Bellagio Road residence, she flipped it back on the market, selling it for $7,000,000 to Will & Grace alum Debra Messing.

In March of 2003, just about the time she was unloading her big house in Bel Air, Miss Zellweger snatched herself up a house in the Hamptons, paying $2,150,000 for an antique farmhouse on Egypt Lane that always seems to be undergoing some sort of renovation. The near one acre property sits less than a mile from the old-school–and winter whiteMaidstone Club. A funny story that circulates about the Maidstone–funny in an eye-popping sort of way and not a funny ha-ha sort of way–is that back in the early 1990s, when Maidstone member Arne Ness married Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross, he, she and they were made to feel so unwelcome that Mister Ness resigned his membership.

Anyhoo, the Maidstone Club has zilch to do with Miss Zellweger who, the following year, in November of 2004 scooped up a country house in Pomfret Center, CT, which sits due north on Interstate 395 from the New London ferry terminal that connects Connecticut to the east end of Long Island. Records show that Miss Zellweger, through a business entity set up to hold her real estate holdings, paid $1,320,000 for the 1.8 acre Cotton Road property that includes a residence and a big ol’ barn.

In April of 2007, Miss Zellweger left her digs at 240 Central Park South and decamped to the Upper East Side where records show she paid $5,400,000 for two combined units in a turn of the century building on East 82nd Street at Madison Avenue. In July of 2008, Miss Zellweger spent another $2,800,000 for an adjacent apartment in the same building, bringing her total outlay for a Manhattan pied-a-terre–where she claims to do little but annoy her neighbors by hogging the laundry room–to a hefty $8,200,000.

It’s hard to say which party is better for the other career at this point. Does the new hawt-cha-cha leading man help the not quite as successful as she used to be veteran actress or does the wildly successful, Oscar winning actress help the blossoming career of a comparative neophyte? Whichever might be the case, it doesn’t hurt either of their careers that their oft in the news for the public canoodling and seemingly impulsive real estate transactions.

floor plan: Dogtown Station

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