YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh, low-erd children, it’s been like a damn inferno out here in California the last couple of days and Your Mama has done stroked out due to the heat. We are sapped, tapped and flat on our fat back with an IV of gin & tonics drip drip dripping boozy bleariness into our veins. Even though we’re on a bit of a vacay and we feel like we’re about 12 minutes from expiring from the damn heat, we know The Children get hungry for a celebrity real estate tidbit. Besides we can’t leave y’all starving for too long because every time we do y’all start acting like heathens and hooligans in need of a beat down with the wooden spoon. Okay?
Late last night, we received a communique from the bizzy boys over at Celebrity Address Aerial who whispered in Your Mama’s ear that professional pigskinner Kyle Boller, who recently hitched himself to disgraced and deposed First Runner-up of the Miss USA 2009 pageant Carrie Prejean, listed his bachelor pad in the hills of Del Mar, CA with an asking price of $3,499,000.
Since Your Mama knows about as much about professional football as we do about what it takes to split an atom we called our ball crazy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau who immediately started to hoot, hiss, and holler about all the lewd and unnatural acts she’d like perform on this Mister Boller. According to the frequently inebriated and always vulgar Miz Trambeau, Mister Boller formerly ran around in tight pants for the Baltimore Ravens and in April of 2010 signed on with the Oakland Raiders where he’ll play the quarterback position.
Mister Boller’s new bride, California blondie Carrie Prejean, has a reputation that most certainly precedes her. During her interview at the Miss USA 2009 pageant she was thrown a bit of a curve ball question about gay marriage by gossip queen Perez Hilton. Her answer, that marriage ought to be only between a man and a woman, created a fire storm of controversy that played itself out in all the gossip glossies and television talk shows. After much squabbling and public cat fighting with the pageant people Miss Prejean was stripped of both her Miss California and First Runner-up Miss USA titles. She went around stomping her feet and whining about how her crown was snatched from her head and the sash yanked off her bodacious body as punishment for expressing her personal point of view on the the gay marriage matter. Naturally she sued, claiming religious discrimination and a variety of other things. However, Miss Christian Morality dropped her suit like a cat on fire when the pageant powers that be revealed to Miss Prejean that they possessed not just one but seven short pornographic videos she made of herself doing naughty things to herself. Uh-oh. Miss Prejean–now Missus Boller–turned her lemons into lemonade with a book she gave the unwieldy title of Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks.
Anyhoo, toothy Miss Prejean and Mister Boller were married early July of 2010. The bride wore white even though–and despite her self-proclaimed religious views–it seems highly unlikely she was a damn virgin on the day of her betrothal. It is Your Mama’s wholly unscientific theory that new wives seldom want to occupy their newly snared man-mate’s bachelor pad of since they’re crawling with the cooties all the girlfriends and assorted hussies who came before her. Right on schedule, just a few short months after their lavish nuptials, Mister Boller hoisted his bachelor pad on to the market. Once it sells the newlyweds cab start anew in a new and untainted house.
Listing information and property records reveal that Mister Boller’s contemporary crib, located on a quite cul de sac in the Lomas Santa Fe Country Club, measures 4,322 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 4 full poopers. Records show the Mister Boller only bought his bachelor pad in March of 2008 for $2,550,000. We don’t even need to flick any of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus to see that Mister Boller, his new Missus and their Real Estates believe the property has gained more than 25% in value over the last couple of years even though the real estate markets sank like a gangster in cement boots over that period of time.
A gated, palm tree lined drive leads up to a circular drive and motor court where the gleaming white and smoky glassed residence sits on a hillside with long views over the tree tops to the Pacific Ocean. The front door opens into a voluminous, multi-level open plan entry/living/dining with a combination of beige marble and shiny ebonized hardwood floors. Both the entry and the dining room areas are lit by a trio of those oh so trendy and glitzy-glammy chandeliers wrapped in a drum shade that became a bit too popular a few years ago. The living room, which has a fireplace, opens to the back yard through a long bank of sliding glass doors.
The sleek if somewhat dated looking kitchen has high grade stainless steel appliances, an unholy mix of black and mottled chocolate brown granite counter tops, and smooth, lacquered blond wood cabinetry. Although the kitchen is adequately sized and well placed as the hub around with the rest of the rooms orbit, we’re quite concerned about the taste level displayed with the center work island which perches precariously and unnecessarily on a stainless steel tube of some sort. Bad. Idea. Very. Bad. Idea. A few steps down from the kitchen, in an area that was probably originally intended as a breakfast area, Mister Boller has placed a billiards table. Good grief chickens, who started this trend of pool tables in bachelor pads and more importantly who perpetuates this disturbing depressingly cliché decorative meme? That said, better out in the open like this than stuck away in some dreaded “man-cave,” probably the number one worst trend in middle-brow day-core to come along in a very long time.
Beyond the breakfast room/pool table room a family room area is outfitted with a large beige sectional sofa and a flat screen tee-vee mounted to the wall. The children will note that someone has carefully laid a throw blanket across the sofa, a sure sign that Miss Prejean thinks of herself as a bit of a decorator or that Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota has been up in there doing her thang. Seriously people, if there’s anything more decoratively eye roll worthy than a bachelor pad with a pool table it’s real estate photos with throw blanks draped over sofas and ottomans. Seriously people. No. Not anymore.
The second floor master suite has more deep, dark hardwood flooring, dark putty colored walls, a fireplace, clerestory windows, and wide sliding glass doors that open to a narrow terrace that overlooks the backyard and the view. Presumably this is where Mister and Missus Boller bed down together in wedded bliss but we certainly hope that Miss Christian Morals did not occupy this room prior to her marriage to her professional footballer because, you know, unwed co-habitating and/or premarital fornication is a serious sin.
In order to orient the back of the house and the back yard towards the distant ocean view, the back yard is really, the front yard. The sliding windows on the back of the house open to decks and terraces that cascade down to a large infinity edged swimming pool and spa where we imagine the Bollers have spent more than a few romantical evenings.
Since Your Mama does not know a laminate floor from a bundle of sticks we really haven’t any idea where Mister and Missus Boller plan to next set down their real estate roots. Although they both hail from southern parts of California, it’s quite possible they’ll pack up and head for the Bay Area where Mister Boller is now employed with the Oakland Raiders. But then again, there are all those gays that wanna get married up in San Francisco and the Bay Area so….
listing photos: The Guiltinan Group