Miley’s Moving Out (or Soon Will Be Anyway)

BUYER: Miley Cyrus
LOCATION: Toluca Lake, CA
PRICE: $3,400,000
SIZE: 4,045 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Over the last few weeks Your Mama has been getting all kinds of queries and questions from the children about Disney diva Miley Cyrus. Apparently everyone but Your Mama already knew that little Miss Hannah Montana went and bought herself a new damn house even though the wee lassie ain’t even 18 years old.

So, in an effort to do our duty as a celebrity real estate gossip in good standing who wants to give our teener and tweener readers something to pee their pants about, Your Mama put out some real estate feelers. Admittedly we didn’t try all that hard because, well, Your Mama finds Little Miss Miley about as inneresting as a pair of pleated khaki pants. None the less and sure enough, a little digging, a bit of poking and a couple of quick calls to a few of our better informed snitches revealed that Little Miss Miley did indeed buy her first house.

According to records we accessed, Little Miss 17 year old Miley Cyrus didn’t just buy a starter home, she forked over a very grown up $3,400,000 for a Spanish hacienda style house in Toluca Lake, CA. Property records also reveal that Little Miss Miley actually bought the property, which happens to be shouting distance from her parents’ Toluca Lake home, way back in April of 2009, so it’s sort of strange and surprising this is all just coming out now, a full year later.

According to listing information Your Mama managed to wring out of Babbling Babette, the walled, gated and soopremely private mini-manse sits down a long driveway on a nearly 1 acre parcel that includes a large motor court with garage parking for four automobiles, expansive lawns shaded by mature trees, a tennis court in the front yard, and a swimming pool and spa in the backyard.

The single story main house measures 4,045 square feet according to listing information and includes a spacious living room with a fireplace–1 of 2 in the main house–and a wall of glass looking out on the grounds. Other rooms include a formal dining room with French doors that open to the yard, a wood-paneled study, and a cooks kitchen with a center island, granite counter tops, several sky lights, and a menu planning area with French doors that open to a covered dining terrace. An adjacent breakfast room is wrapped in glass that looks out over the backyard.

At the time Little Miss Miley purchased her new pad, there was a detached guest house with a coffered ceiling and fireplace in the living room, a wet bar, 2 bedrooms and a custom tiled pooper. Your Mama heard yesterday from two separate and unrelated sources that Little Miss Miley has already had a recording studio installed on the property and it would seem this guest house would be the most logical place to put it. But then again, what does Your Mama know? We don’t know a zipper from a bag of kitty kibble so for all we know she put the damn recording studio in the kitchen.

Anyhoo, listing information indicates there are 4 bedrooms and 4.5 poopers in the main house including an over-sized and celebrity style master suite that, according to listing information, has a wood beamed and vaulted ceiling, a wardrobe room, French doors that open out to a private patio and dual poopers, one for the teen queen and one, perhaps, for her slightly older and well formed boy-beau from Down Under Liam Hemsworth who, it has been rumored and speculated just might be moving in with Little Miss Miley. Your Mama highly doubts that bit o’ scuttlebutt. However, the baby beehawtcha will be 18 years old in November and at that point she can make whatever choices she wants in regards to living in sin with young Mister Hemsworth or not.

In the early 2000s, the Little Miss Miley’s new crib was owned by Freddie Prince Jr. But children, it’s a bit tough for Your Mama to imagine such a young looker like Mister Prince actually lived in this house. Your Mama has seen the inside of this house–don’t ask–and at the time Little Miss Cyrus purchased the property it was in need of a serious updating and upgrading because the interiors were dog tired. Actually, they were more than tired, they were plum worn out and working on their last breath of dignity and good taste. We’re talking about a wall of mirrors in one of the two master poopers that infinitely reflected the terlit and a massive blue onyx (or marble or whatever) soaking tub with gold fixtures. How’s that for a frightening?

It’s with all sincerity that Your Mama hopes and imagines that Little Miss Cyrus is or will be having some cosmetic work done on her new house that includes tearing up the old carpet in the master bedroom, ripping down the brass chandelier in the breakfast room and adding a youthful quality to a house that feels–or felt–very much like the home of old people. We know that Little Miss Miley’s mother Tish (or Tisch or whatever) has a bit of the decorator in her, but we’d also recommend that L.M.M. hire a nice, gay decorator of her own to help her whip the house into shape.

Now then, Miley, hunny, listen to Your Mama here because we only have the best intentions with our offering of this valuable tidbit of sage decorative advice: We know you did an inappropriately adult pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards last year, but do not go the route of some of the other too rich too young starlets in Tinseltown who made the grievous mistake of having a stripper pole installed in their homes. (Are you listening Paris Hilton?).

A stripper pole installed in a private home is not cute. It’s trashy. In fact, it’s the very definition of trashy. Look up trashy in the dictionary and if it doesn’t it ought to have a picture of a stripper pole installed some one’s bedroom or, even worse, in some one’s living room. So take note Little Miss Miley, Rule #17 of Your Mama’s big book of decorative dos and don’ts states that no home shall be punished with a stripper pole installed in any room of the house or anywhere on the property unless the owner of the home is, in fact, a stripper who earns a living working the pole or the homeowner wants her (or his) friends to think she (or he) is a slut. Okaaay?

The children can bet everything they own that Little Miss Miley and her proud parents–not to mention Disney executives who want to protect their cash cow–have spared no expense installing the finest and meanest damn security system known to (wo)man so any of you morons who get a wild hair to hop in your hoopdies and head over to Toluca Lake to have a look-see at Miss Miley’s front gates best beware that not only will your “visit” not be appreciated it will most likely be filmed, documented and cataloged.

In addition to the family’s big house in Toluca Lake and now Little Miss Miley’s new digs around the corner, the Cyrus family also own a 200 and some acre spread about 30 miles south of Nashville in tiny Thompson’s Station, Tennessee where, according to property records, they occupy a 7,850 square foot plantation style mansion with 5 bedrooms and 5 poopers.

Little Miss Miley’s new nest is not only just around the corner from her family’s west coast homestead, it’s surrounded by a slew of famous folks like Steve Carrell, fellow teen queens Ashley Tisdale and Demi Lovato, the Jonas Brothers (or at least the house the were leasing last year), Hilary and Haylie Duff, the inestimable Swoosie Kurtz, Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli, Andy Garcia, that poor Jennifer Love Hewitt ladeee, Dweezil Zappa and celebrity hairdresser Jonathan Antin whose ranch style house was recently but no longer appears to be listed at $1,999,000.

photo: Pacific Coast News

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