SELLER: Chris Tucker
LOCATION: Monteverde, FL
PRICE: $2,000,000
SIZE: 8,861 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It wasn’t so long ago that comedian Chris Tucker was one of the highest paid jokesters in Tinseltown. We didn’t believe it either but tis true, puppies. Your Mama just about fell out of our chair when we read reports that indicated Mister Tucker took in as much as $20,000,000 for his role opposite Jackie Chan in the 2001 action film Rush Hour 2 and we actually did fall out of our damn chair when we read that he reportedly earned another $25,000,000 for Rush Hour 3 in 2007. By the end of the first decade of the naughts, Mister Tucker was, needless to say, a very rich man who was livin‘ large with multiple mansions and a fleet of faincee automobiles that he at least once drove fast and recklessly.

The problem, children, is that Mister Tucker apparently forgot to pay his taxes and, as anyone with even 1/3 of a brain knows, the taxman gets 49 kinds of peeved and pissed when he is denied his due. Last year the busted-ass broke state of California filed a $3,594,409 lien against Mister Tucker and just today reports have begun to surface that the not exactly rolling in clover federal gubbamint filed documents with the Los Angeles County Recorder’s Office that demand Mister Tucker fork over $11,571,909 and 26 damn cents in back taxes.

In addition to his taxation traumas it appears that Mister Tucker has some real estate woes too. We don’t know if it’s a co-inky-dink or if it has something to do with his taxman troubles, but yesterday Your Mama learned from Darryl Divulgesthedirt that Mister Tucker has put his massive mansion in Monteverde, FL on the market with an asking price of $2,000,000.

The hitch, the rub, and the pickle is that Mister Tucker paid more than two million clams for the property. In fact he paid way, way, way more than two million dollars. According to property records, the once plenteously paid wise cracker forked over–brace yourselves butter beans–$6,000,000 for the mansion in June of 2007. It don’t take any flicking of the beads of Your Mama’s well worn and bejeweled abacus to see that Mister Tucker’s current asking price is an unnerving four million bucks less than he paid for the property just 3 years ago.

Mister Tucker’s faux-Tuscan Floridian getaway, located just outside of Orlando, FL, sits on an approximately 1 acre lake-front lot in the upscale and guard gated golf and equestrian community of Bella Collina. Listing information indicates that the 2-story, 8,861 square foot extravaganza of questionable architectural integrity and day-core has 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half poopers, and is a former “Street of Dreams” model. Your Mama does not know nor do we care to know what a “Street of Dreams” model is but based on our own sensitive and persnickety decorative tastes and preferences we find Mister Tucker’s crib to be–we’re just gonna say it–a Street of Nightmares.

That’s right. We said it. Pleeze people, there is no way in hell Your Mama or the Dr. Cooter could get a good night’s rest in a house that includes what listing information calls a “whimsical pirate ship themed home theatre.” Oh lo-ward have mercy, please do not tell Your Mama that there are people out there who actually think a pirate ship theme is an appropriate or acceptable style of day-core in any home with even a shred of dignity. Maybe you can pull that shit off in a 5 year old’s bedroom but not in any room used by an adult. No. Seriously. Just no. Someone get Your Mama a nerve pill and the smelling salts because we’re going to need a little something to get us through this one.

Listen chickens, we’re sure there are many people who find living up in the Bella Collina community to be a stellar experience and we can’t argue with them about that since we’ve never been to Bella Collina or even to Orlando. But we take serious umbrage with these ticky-tacky decorating themes that get installed in too many over-sized faux-Tuscan and mock-Mediterranean model mansions that line the streets of upscale gated communities across the country. In fact we are so adamantly opposed to themed day-core that Rule #9 of Your Mama’s Big Book of Decorating Dos and Don’ts states that, “No dwelling of any architectural style in any location that aspires to be a home of good taste shall inflict theatrically themed day-core on any room besides that of a small child, and even then the “theme” should be used very sparingly.”

Anyhoo, Mister Tucker’s Bella Collina crib sits at the tail end of a culde-sac where a long driveway leads to a motor court and garaging for 4 cars. Tall and skinny cypress trees flank the font entry that leads into the double height foyer where some sort of faux paint treatment has been slapped on the on the walls, multi-colored tiles are installed the stair risers, and swoopy wrought iron stair rails and banisters of the type not seen in any real Tuscan home climb dramatically up the the second floor landing.

Listing information indicates that in addition to the formal living and dining rooms, Mister Tucker’s digs include 2 game rooms, a temperature controlled wine cellar, a library with secret room, and that horrifying “whimsical pirate ship themed home theatre.” Listing photos show a family room with a patterned stone floor that connects across a breakfast counter to the kitchen that we presume is equipped with high-grade appliances and high end counter tops.

The in addition to a decent-sized bedroom where a zebra skin rug is laid out on camel colored wall to wall carpeting, the master “wing” includes a sitting area, morning kitchen for all those too damn lazy to walk downstairs to get a cup of damn coffee, and a lavish pooper where a multi-colored stained glass window separates the showering area from a gigantic jetted tub for two.

The outdoor living spaces include a deep covered patio with deeluxe built-in barbecue center, long bar with bar stools and randomly placed flower arrangements in urns with a faux-patina treatments. There is also a large stacked stone outdoor fireplace with flat screen tee-vee mounted about the fire box, a free-form dark bottomed swimming pool, and a small spa tucked into a rock formation/water fall thingy. The property backs up to one of the community’s two private lakes which allows for maximum privacy and, yes, pretty views.

The Bella Collina community offers residents 2 Tuscan themed clubhouses, a full service spa, fitness center, sports and equestrian facilities, 2 lakes, vineyards, and a Nick Faldo designed championship golf course. All the amenities probably explain the $1,178 per month community fee that the homeowner must pay in addition to the $68,852 per year in taxes.

Mister Tucker owns a couple of California residences including a 6,399 square foot mansion in the guard gated Mulholland Park community in Tarzana, CA. Property records show he purchased the 5 bedroom and 6.5 pooper house in November of 1996 for $1,113,511.

In June of 2001 Mister Tucked snatched up the house next door paying $2,400,000 for the 6,549 square foot mansion. Mister Tucker listed the house in the spring of 2008 for $3,800,000 and finally sold the white elephant about 18 months later in November of 2009 for $3,000,000.

Property records show that in April of 2008 Mister Tucker laid out $1,300,000 for a 4,922 square foot house in super suburban Los Angeles city of Granada Hills, CA. As best as we can tell the 5 bedroom and 5 pooper property is where his baby momma lives with his young son.

There are reports that state Mister Tucker maintains a home in Atlanta, GA–he was raised just outside Atlanta in Decatur–but Your Mama didn’t find much in the way of evidence of that. Don’t mean he down have real estate roots there, just means we didn’t find anything specific.

listing photos: Re/Max Central Realty