Celebrities do all kinds of unfortunate things when it comes to their kids, like giving them ridiculous names and using them as promotional props when convenient. Still, to me the children of celebrities should be off-limits unless they grow up and become celebrities themselves — say, once they’re as old as Bryce Dallas Howard. Or Michael Douglas. Call me wacky.

Nevertheless, Oxygen sucks the air out of good taste with the following announcement regarding an upcoming special about “Celeb-U-Tots.” I know, others have gone down this road, but it strikes me as “If US Weekly jumped off the Empire State Building….”

I can’t really improve on the release — if by “improve” you mean auditioning to write for the Onion. Anyway, here’s the Oxygen announcement (more like carbon dioxide) that went out today, with a few parenthetical comments. And I chose the color specifically because the mere idea makes me kind of nauseous.


(A thought here: If you are “obsessed with” the children of a celebrity, please seek help from a mental-health professional. Immediately. Please continue.)

One-Hour Special Premieres Tuesday, July 14 at 11pm ET/PT

New York — June 22, 2009 The offspring of celebrities are infiltrating Hollywood and Oxygen is counting down all the kids that everyone is talking about in “Oxygen’s 25iest: Celeb-U-Tots,” premiering Monday July 14 at 11PM, immediately following an all new episode of “Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood.” Tot-phenomenon is taking over Tinseltown with seemingly every top list star popping out a kid and every magazine at the checkout counter running baby bump alerts. On this edition of “The 25iest,” Oxygen’s counting down the Celeb-U-Tots we can’t get enough of.

“While Stella and Liam are our personal favorite Celeb-U-Tots, we are interested with the children of all celebrities,” said Amy Introcaso-Davis, Senior Vice President of Original Programming, Oxygen Media. “’25iest’ will cover our favorites from the twinkle-eyed two year olds to the trend-setting teens.”

(OK, ew.)

The one-hour special will feature everyone’s favorite celebrity’s kids, including the “Family Business Celeb-U-Tots” Trey, Jaden and Willow Smith who are following in their parents’ footsteps and working in showbiz. With a $40,000 nursery, Emme and Max Muniz (J-Lo and Marc Anthony’s children) come in as the “Definitely-Not-From-the-Block Celeb-U-Tots.” And the list wouldn’t be complete without “Trendsetting Celeb-U-Tot” Suri Cruise so fashion forward that she is constantly filmed and photographed.

(Double ew.)

“Oxygen’s 25iest” is a series of fast-paced pop-culture filled countdown specials of today’s hottest people and trends. Whether it’s the “25iest Power Couples,” the “25iest Bad Girls Gone Good,” or the “25iest Celeb-U-Tots,” Oxygen lists the favorites, with added trivia and gossip.

Wait, I get it — this is Oxygen’s latest diet-related programming for its female viewers. Watch “Celeb-U-Tots” and you won’t get your appetite back for days. Brilliant!