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SELLER: Whoopi Goldberg
LOCATION: Wooster Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $3,990,000
SIZE: 3,600 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: …Exposed brick, extremely high ceilings, polished wood floors, massive mahogany windows and historical elements abound throughout the loft. Dramatic entertaining space with both opulence and integrity – offering a home entertainment system with 58″ flat screen plasma TV, Direct TV, Individual DVR and TiVo. Divine custom details throughout the loft – vintage ceiling fans, custom doors, light fixtures and wall mountings. ValCucine kitchen, separate guest quarters, three baths, bar area, and private master suite…

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well children, after working our way through the thick and florid listing information, Your Mama is ready to discuss the New York City loft that superstar Whoopi Goldberg recently hoisted on the market with an asking price of $3,990,000.

The calls it like she sees it comedienne and actress and all around media personality has appeared in more than 100 films and boob-toob programs. For her efforts she’s won an Oscar–for that ridiculous Ghost movie because the Academy screwed up and should have given it to her five years earlier when she was nominated but did not win for The Color Purple, a Tony, a couple of Golden Globes, a number of Daytime Emmys (plus a handful of non-daytime Emmy nominations), Image Awards, Kid’s Choice Awards, People’s Choice Awards, and a damn Grammy. Now she’s on The View with all them other opinionated ladees who every day weigh in on everything and everyone from Lindsay Lohan to whether men should wear engagement rings, from healthcare reform to the shenanigans of Sarah Palin.

According the the peeps at PropertyShark, Miz Goldberg, whose real name is the much less odd and memorable Caryn Johnson, purchased the (approximately) 3,600 square foot, full floor loft on SoHo’s Wooster Street in October of 2006 for $1,648,000. Other residents of the building, which houses the Patagonia store on the ground floor, include actor Billy Crudup who records show bought his top floor crib in 2004 just after he infamously dumped his long time ladee-friend Mary-Louise Parker when she was 7-months preggers with their son. But that’s another sordid celebrity story for another day.

According to listing information, the 2 bedroom and 2.5 pooper loft includes private elevator access, high ceilings (lofts usually do), polished wood floors (some of which are indeed quite lovely), gigantic mahogany framed windows that suck light deep into the loft, a fancy ValCucine kitchen with what appears to be magnificent mahogany cabinetry, and a home entertainment system that would make most couch potatoes weep with envy.

What listing information does not say is that someone unwisely installed a bunch of crown molding, the plumbing is exposed at the ceiling (as it is in many New York City lofts), there are at least four types of wood flooring, the layout is more than a bit awkward with too much space designated to the entrance hall, the laundry facilities are part of the wet bar in the family room and the floor plan indicates that there is not a single built-in closet in either of the two bedrooms. In fact, from the looks of things, there are only four cramped closets in the entire loft and three of them are in the damn poopers. No offense Miz Whoopi, but for four million smackers we want a large, custom-fitted walk-in closet and not a wall full of armoires.

The expansive apartment has been filled with an eclectic, flea market-y hodgepodge of furniture, countless tchotske collections and a truck load of decorative items that look to Your Mama like Miz Whoopi picked them out herself. We do love when a home bears the unmistakable stamp of the owner, which this one does, but we also think Miz Whoopi could have used the skills of a smart architect and a nice gay decorator to help her pull it all together a bit more succinctly. Her extensive collection of African and black American artworks, on the other hand, is flaw-less.

According to property records Miz Whoopi also owns a 7,039 square foot mansion in posh Pacific Palisades area of Los Angeles that she bought way back in 1993 and she may or may not still own an 8,000 acre spread in Vermont, a waterfront house in swank and scenic Tuxedo Park, NY, a small house (or duplex) in Berkeley, CA, and some kind of property in Cornwall, CT.