SELLER: Reggie Bush
LOCATION: Viewsite Terrace, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $5,099,000
SIZE: 4,831 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Explosive 360 degree jet liner views set the stage for this urban oasis. The ultimate in LA lifestyle &perfect for a celebrity, this 4 bed 5.5 bath masterpiece is sited at the end of a prime sunset strip cul-de-sac. The Incredible sexy master suite is on its own floor with his and her bathrooms, and a closet fit for a king. Elevator, 4 outdoor plasma TVs, glass pocket doors, plush state of the art Movie Theater & smart home technology is only the beginning of this 4831sf entertainers paradise.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A few weeks ago we discussed the Tinseltown condo that Kim “Big Booty” Kardashian hoisted on the market with an asking price of $1,099,000 and two days ago we discovered that her professional pigskinner man-friend Reggie Bush has also listed his Los Angeles residence with an obviously similar but much higher asking price of $5,099,000. Not surprisingly, the two properties are listed by the same real estate agent from Hilton and Hyland, the high-toned brokerage owned by Paris Hilton’s father that employs folks like Coley Lafoon–otherwise known as ex-Mister Anne Heche–and Million Dollar Listing‘s hairtastic Chad Rogers.

As the children well know, Your Mama does not know–nor care to know–a football from a hockey stick. So we had to consult our ball crazy friend Fiona Trambeau to school us on what is what and who is who with this Reggie Bush. The first thing Fiona did was scold Your Mama for our athletic ignorance then she told us that young Mister Bush won himself a prestigious Heisman Trophy in 2005 while footballing at USC. He was, according to Fiona, drafted in 2006 by the New Orleans Saints where he makes serious cheddar working as a running back–whatever that is–and he also rakes in many millions more each year from lucrative endorsement deals.

Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty began dating back in 2007, which would have been shortly after her amateur porn moment with former lover Ray J., just before she bared her boobs and hairless beaver on the glossy pages of Playboy and about the same time her family’s utterly banal but perplexingly successful reality program Keeping Up With the Kardashians began airing. What a career our Miss Big Booty has, what a career indeed. Apparently, unbeknownst to Your Mama, Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty busted up in July of 2009. However, according to a “source close to the couple” who squealed like a pig to the people at People, the lovebirds recently reconciled after taking “a few months apart getting their priorities together and figuring out who they were as individuals so they can make it work together.” Oh, lo-ward have mercy, pleeze. Do people really do that, “figure out who they were as individuals?” What does that even mean? It sounds like something a pr flak floating a story to the tabs would say. We suspect there was much more to that story than these two finding themselves but, frankly, Your Mama does care any other relationship drama there might have been between these two.

What we do care about is their real estate activities, so let’s get back to the bidness at hand. Property records and previous reports reveal 24-year old Mister Bush bought his big house back in December of 2006. Records also show the impressively muscled man spent $4,700,000 on the 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper property located on Viewsite Terrace above curvy swervy and dangerous to drive Sunset Plaza Drive in the Hollywood Hills. The tax man’s records show the three story residence measures 3,837 square feet and has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms while listing information pegs it at a larger 4,831 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. We’re not sure why the discrepancies. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Since stumbling across the listing on the MLS, Your Mama has heard from several of our informants who had nothing but saucy, sassy and sharp tongued things to say about Mister Bush’s party pad. Junebug called it “campy” and went all wild-eyed with flabbergast over the red-suede elevator carriage that has Mister Bush’s initials stitched in gold colored thread on the back wall. Now that children, is klassy with a “k” if Your Mama ever saw it. Karla Worthington, another informant with intimate knowledge of all things real estate in the Sunset Plaza area, sniped to Your Mama that Mister Bush’s day-core screams “high ghetto.” Your Mama recognizes that is a viciously snide not to mention decidedly un-p.c. thing to say about Mister Bush’s taste in furniture and decorative accouterments, but we can well understand how those zebra print wing back chairs with short silver leafed feet in the living room could provoke strong emotions in the decoratively sensitive. If we’re being nice, which we sometimes are, Your Mama would say the day-core smacks of a self-consciously pseudo-sexy high-roller suite at a mid-range Las Vegas hotel that would like to expand their clientele to wildly rich young people easily impressed with shiny objects, nightclub lighting and plasma tee-vees. Oh dear, that wasn’t very nice, was it?

Anyhoo, according to Junebug–who has been inside this house–the front door opens directly into the living room area–meaning no entry way whatsoever–where one is immediately confronted by those eyeball punishing zebra print wing back chairs with the short silver leaf legs that have been paired with a chunky mirrored cube coffee table, a silver leaf chest of drawers with a plasma tee-vee mounted on the wall behind it, a tufted white leather sofa, and a nappy looking white shag area rug. The cramped looking living room area has double height ceilings, a corner fireplace–on top of which sits Mister Bush’s Heisman Trophy–and opens directly onto the back yard through paneless wood framed French doors.

The dining room also opens to the back yard, has a large glassy chandelier that looks like something straight out of a Holiday Inn banquet room, and flows into the over-processed kitchen outfitted with grey cabinetry, a myriad of stainless steel appliances including side by side fridge and freezer–which we like– and a work island with a semi-circular breakfast bar where four bongo drum shaped bar stools sit on top of a red, rainbow shaped rug. Seriously folks, this mess is almost beyond words. Also on the lowest level, according to Junebug, is the black and red velvet theater room about which we do not have the energy to muster a comment.

The second floor has a glass floored mezzanine area over the living room–which could be a bit pornographic for any ladees or drag queens standing up there in a dress–and two bedrooms with private poopers. We do not even want to know what “fun” Mister Bush and Miss Big Booty have had with this glass floor. Seriously, don’t go there children, it’s nothing but ugly. The master suite, according to listing information, occupies the entire top floor and includes a somewhat triangular bedroom and sitting area with a fireplace, his and her poopers, a gigantic custom fitted walk in closet/dressing room and walls of glass that glide open to a wrap around terrace with gorgeous and glittery views of the carpet of lights that is LaLa Land below. One side of the master bedroom opens to a large deck that floats over the city and where, not surprisingly, Mister Bush installed a pool table and a wall mounted plasma tee-vee.

The petite but flat back yard consists of a pill shaped swimming pool and spa with flagstone coping sunk into a patch of grass surrounded by a deck that hovers over the hillside (and the house below). A fire pit has been sunk into the deck, there is a built in barbecue center, and three plasma tee-vees have been mounted on the back wall of the house. Honestly. This is the sort of backyard about which some people would probably use the word party as a verb as in, “Let’s party over at Reggie’s place.” Listen by little butter beans, as far as Your Mama is concerned the word party is a noun or an adjective and not a verb regardless of the dictionary claiming it can be used informally as a verb. Three plasmas mounted on an exterior wall seems like exactly the same thing as using the word party as a verb. Are y’all feeling what we’re getting at?

Fortunately Mister Bush is not selling his crib furnished because this very well may be a case where one must sift through the shit to find a diamond. The house is clearly not without its drawbacks and shortcomings such as the lack of a proper entry and that vulgar glass floor mezzanine bizness, but the location is convenient iffin you can stomach Sunset Plaza Drive after a few cocktails, the views are simply outrageous, the pooper to bedroom ratio is lovely, and it’s a total bonus to get this much flat space for a backyard in the hills above Sunset Boulevard.

As we mentioned during our discussion of Miss Big Booty’s condo in early October, we haven’t a clue why she and Mister Bush have both decided to list their homes at precisely the same time. We suspect that it is not a coincidence but, of course, Your Mama does not know a thing about their future real estate plans. Perhaps they’re looking for a family friendly house in Calabasas? Or maybe they’re considering packing up and moving to New Orleans? Who knows. Whatever they’re going to do, we would not be at all surprised to see it all aired on some tawdry and terrible reality television program just like the uninspiring lives of all the other “K” named Kardashian ladees–namely Kourtney and Khloe–that currently infect the boob-toob.

UPDATE: Since Your Mama discussed Mister Bush’s baller of a house, multiple reports have surfaced that quote an unnamed source who told the people at People that, “After they got back together they were both looking for new places and decided to take the next step in their relationship.”