SELLER: Lisa Marie Presley

LOCATION: Long Valley Road, Hidden Hills, CA
PRICE: $8,995,000
SIZE: 8,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully & extensively remodeled & expanded in the exclusive guard-gated community of Hidden Hills is this 8,000 SF sprawling ranch home on over 3 acres of lush rolling lawns w/ orchards. In addition to the main house, consisting of 5 bdrms. 5.5 baths, this private complex also features 3 separate guest quarters, pool/spa w/ waterfall, barns/tack rooms & extensive extra parking. The home backs up to the Santa Monica Conservancy/Ahmanson Ranch which ensures privacy.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen chickens, Your Mama and our boozy friend Fiona Trambeau been hunkered down the last few days at Chow and B.B. Lee’s colorful house in pleasantly progressive Minneapolis, MN. We’ve walked along the shore of the mighty Mississippi, marveled at The Guthrie, ate too much meat at Brassa and handed out mountains of candy to children dressed like mermaids and Minnie Mouses. But it’s time to wing our way back west to the Dr. Cooter, our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, our mean ol‘ pussy Sugar, and our insolent house gurl Svetlana which means we’re going to spend the better part of today sitting in airports and airplanes working the signs of the cross like nobody’s bizness hoping we don’t come down with the damn swine flu. And we’re not even Catholic or religious but that swine crap has us all kinds of irrationally petrified. Anyhoo, given our circumstances, we need be brief which, as the children know, ain’t easy for Your Mama who tend to prefer a more circuitous and long winded route.

Over the weekend, Your Mama received a covert communique from a gentleman we’ll call Fernando San Fernando who kindly told Your Mama off that singer/songwriter Lisa Marie Presley, the only daughter of the King of Rock and Roll and the ex-wife of the King of Pop–not to mention the ex-wife of actor Nic Cage and two other men–has listed her house in horsey Hidden Hills, CA with an asking price of $8,995,000. Within minutes we were able to obtain a listing–two listings, actually–for the estate. However, since first discussing the property we were contacted by a representative of Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood who tells us that the Princess of Rock and Roll “never authorized the images of her property to be posted on the MLS service or anywhere else. In fact, the piece of property is not currently for sale.” We’ll have to take him at his word on that and assume someone screwed up big time. None the less…

Property records show that the four-times married celebrity
Scientologist purchased her 3.14 acre, two-parcel compound located behind the gates of the star studded Hidden Hills community in December of 1993. The larger parcel with the main house was bought for $2,600,000 and the smaller one, according to property records, was scooped up for $625,000. This was shortly after her 25th birthday when she became the sole remaining heir to her late and great father’s estate and an extraordinarily rich woman in control of an expanding empire that includes Graceland, her famous and wildly decorated childhood home in Memphis, TN. Missus Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood sold the Elvis Presley estate–minus Graceland and the surrounding property, her father’s famous cars and other personal effects–to media mogul Robert F.X. Sillerman in 2004 for a reported “$53 million in cash, $22 million in stock in Sillerman’s new company, and the assumption of $25 million in debt.”

The unauthorized listing information, which is no longer available on the MLS, indicates that in addition to a main house that measures approximately 8,000 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers, Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood’s Long Valley Road compound also has 3 separate guest quarters, one of which is reportedly occupied by musician Danny Keough, her first huzband and the baby daddy of two of her four off-spring. Property records, on the other hand, show a main house that measures 7,077 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers and a second residence–located on a separate but adjacent parcel–that measures 2,842 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 3 poopers. Your Mama does not know why these discrepancies exist and we’re too tired and short of time to sort it all out. Suffice to say she’s got a big ol‘ house with a good number of bedrooms and bathrooms and several guest houses with a good number more. Listing photos of the compound can still be be found here and here.

The main portion of the property includes a long, gated driveway, a parking lot sized motor court plus loads of additional parking, rolling lawns, a free form swimming pool and spa with a water fall and a water slide built in to a tumble of rocks (that Your Mama hopes are real rocks and not those horrid faux-stone things), numerous patios, terraces and covered porches and two of the three guest cottages, one on each end of the long house. The adjacent property, which has its own address, is accessed from Eldorado Meadow Road and includes a large guest house with its own swimming pool, a large deck and stables. As far as Your Mama can tell by our completely unscientific overhead surveillance, the two properties are only connected through a couple of gates in the long fence that separates the properties. According to a well connected source with intimate knowledge of all things Hidden Hills whom we’ll call H.H. Tonguewagger, Missus
Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood is the only resident granted permission for a private security fence around her property. Apparently, according to H.H. Tonguewagger, the Hidden Hills by-laws or Home Owners Association–or whatever they have there–do not allow driveway gates or privacy/security fences on individual properties.

No longer available listing photos show that Missus
Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood does not share the same affection for carpeted kitchens, ceramic monkies, stained glass peacocks, and fur covered couches and in basement jungle rooms as her father did. Instead we find a dignified and expensive looking country style with antique rugs, a glossy grand piano and a car-sized crystal chandelier mixed with masculine leather sofas and chairs in the large wood beamed living room and a floral upholstered armchair and ottoman paired with a massive (mahogany?) bed, another car-sized crystal chandelier and dainty Louis the XV or XVI–or whatever–giltwood chairs and settees in the wood floored and vaulted beamed ceiling master bedroom. A long bridge-like hallway runs spine-like the length of the house on the second floor with clerestory window on two sides and a floral print runner on the wood floors.

The kitchen has multi-colored cabinetry with some sort of faux finish paint treatment with kooky boo-kays of flowers painted on to each of the upper cabinet doors as well as on the full sized fridge and freezers. This country style femininity in the cooker room isn’t exactly what Your Mama would have expected from a woman who we think of as a little butch (in the best sense of the word), but there it is, in full color.

Your Mama assumes that Missus Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood has chosen to sell–or at least vacate–her long time California compound because she’s decided, according to recent reports, to relocate to the U.K. with her fourth huzband Michael Lockwood and their newly hatched twins.

Other notable residents of the Hidden Hills community include but are not limited to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, Beverly Mitchell (she of 7th Heaven fame), and Melissa Etheridge and her ladee-mate Tammy Michaels.

It’s not apparent to Your Mama if Missus
Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood owns any other residences in the U-nited States besides her maybe for sale maybe not for sale Hidden Hills compound, but we do know that her mother, the formerly fabulous but unfortunately surgefied and illegally injected Priscilla Presley who was recently rumored to be “swapping spit” with toothy British tee-vee producer Nigel Lythgoe (So You Think You Can Dance), lives in a sprawling house on Summit Drive in Beverly Hills, CA.

Now then, it’s time to squeeze Fiona into her spandex traveling suit and get her to the airport where her customary and embarrassing demand for a cavity search will likely hold us up in security for at least an hour.