SELLER: Jason Statham
LOCATION: N. Vine Street, Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $1,395,000
SIZE: 2,140 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Simply the BEST & largest unit in one of the most architecturally significant buildings on W. coast. This *CELEBRITY OWNED* Uber chic loft featrs exquisite upgrades inc. Viking applncs & island, dsgnr bthrms, hrdwd floor, hand carpentered closet & pantry. ONLY the 8th floor features over sized windows to gaze directly at the sparkling lights at Sunset beneath the Hollywood sign nestled behind the iconic Capital records building from your living room, a loft and home that defines sophistication.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday, just before receiving word that Michael “The White Lady” Jackson passed to the other side, Your Mama heard from Mr. Smiley who directed our nosey eyeballs towards a “celebrity owned” condominium in at The Broadway Hollywood building listed for $1,395,000.

Not to toot our own horn or anything but it took Your Mama all of 47 seconds to figure out that the 8th floor loft-condo is owned by British born action flick actor Jason Statham who property records reveal bought the 2 bedroom and 2 bathroom unit in June of 2008 for $1,543,515 which means if our bejeweled abacus is correct, even if Mister Statham gets full price (and that is quite unlikely in today’s market) he’s take a loss of nearly $150,000.

Mister Statham, a former Olympic springboard diver and moe-dell, has appeared in a long list of films starting with ex-Mister Madonna’s Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the suggestively named Snatch and Revolver. He went on to make a slew of other cinematic gemstones that Your Mama confesses we’ve never seen nor heard of and, as per his IMDB reh-zoo-may, he is currently a hot property in Tinseltown with three films in production, another announced and two more in development. No wonder he’s selling his starter condo…he’s probably moving on up to something more worthy of his shooting star.

Let’s leave alone the listing agent’s loud declaration that the apartment is “CELBRITY OWNED” and move beyond the listing’s high-larious hyperbole (“one of the most architecturally significant buildings on the W coast?” Really? It’s a nice building, but really? On the entire wes coast?) and try to see the 2,140 square foot apartment for what it is.

The lofty corner unit centers around a large living room area with a wall of tall windows that looks down on gritty Hollywood Boulevard where if you look hard enough you can still find a street walker or two, over the cylindrical Capital Records buildings–which might actually be of the most architecturally significant buildings on the W coast–and towards the famed Hollywood sign. The living room is defined and anchored by colossal snow white sectional sofa wraps around a low, white coffee table both of which sit on a white shag rug. It all looks very “sexy” and lounge-like but, much as we can appreciate a white sofa, this is not a set up that would work well in Your Mama’s house because we know deep in our snarky soul that our sassy house gurl Svetlana would rather light that shit on fire than try to keep it clean.

The kitchen has all the right appliances and a large (stainless steel?) island for slicing, dicing, chopping and mixing, but the dramatic mood lighting is really quite silly. Yes chickens, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have indirect lighting in our cookery too, but this kitchen looks like it’s trying way to hard to be some sort of velvet rope nightclub rather than a place to boil up some pasta and make a damn tuna sandwich.

At least one of the two “bedrooms” is nothing but a doorless cubby off the living room which means that every passed gas, deep breath or rustle of the sheets can be heard by any and everyone else in the apartment. This is fine if you live alone and bring a plastic titted bimbo or two home every now and then from the too trendy Philippe Starck designed sushi joint Katsuya on the ground floor, but what happens when your damn mother comes for a visit? Larhd have mercy it gives Your Mama the chills up and down our fat back just to think of that.

The master bathroom, a black and white and mirrored cliché of pooper glamour, includes two sinks, shiny black counter tops, a separate tub and shower and acts as passage to a fully customized and fitted walk in closet/dressing room. Custom kitted walk-in closets are always a nice feature but Your Mama is concerned that there is not a window in the bathroom because no matter how powerful that electric vent in the cieling is, the crap smell will still creep into the closet and attach itself to clothes and shooz. Not pretty.

While living up in a condo in the heart of Hollywood is not appealing to many Angelenos any more than that shacking up above Times Square is the residential dream of many New Yorkers, the 10 story Broadway Hollywood building, built in 1927 and used originally as the B.. Dyas Specialty Emporium, is a designated Los Angeles Historic-Cultural Monument (#664) and does offer residents original architectural details and (for better or worse) Kelly Wearstler designed common areas as well as a number of desirable amenities such as valet parking, a fitness center and a swimming pool, spa, sun deck, outdoor fireplace and lounging cabanas up on the roof. It’s unclear if the building has a 24/7 doorman, but it should if it don’t, okay?

The Broadway Hollywood building opened its doors amid a thunderstorm hype and hoopla at the tail end of the real estate run up in Los Angeles and the frenzy (and some say marketing ploy) brought a lot of big name buyers to the building including Victoria Secret model Emma Henning, the nice gay decorator with the over-processed hair Kenneth Brown (who had been tyring to sell or lease his unit), Charlize Theron, Jack Osbourne, designer Sami Hayek (that would be Salma’s brother), Danny Masterson and and that seemingly washed up ladees man Wilmer Valderama. It’s unclear to Your Mama is any of these people actually occupy these apartments or if they were “purchased” as investments.

Property records show young Mister Statham also owns a house up on Rising Glen Road in Los Angeles that he bought in June of 2005 for $2,400,000 as well as on ocean front crib in the super celeb friendly and guard gated Malibu Colony that was purchased just a few days ago (in June of 2009) and which we’ll discuss at greater length when we have a few minutes.