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SELLER: Danielle Staub
LOCATION: 8 Shadow Ridge Run, Wayne, NJ
PRICE: $1,495,000
SIZE: 10,500 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular stone and stucco Tudor in prestigious Horizon Heights. Grand 2-story foyer with dble staircase, great room with fireplace, custom mohagany billiard room with columns and wet bar, cabana.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last night while watching hairless hottie Andy Roddick whoop some ass at the U.S. Open, we received an urgent dispatch from Tenicia Tellitlikeitis who directed Your Mama’s beady little eyes to an eye popping property owned by The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s resident cougar Danielle Staub. According to listing information in our hot little hands, Miz Staub put her hot mess of a house in Wayne, NJ up on the block a couple of weeks ago with an asking price of $1,495,000.

The leather skinned, forty-something year old deevorcee and mommy of two has made quite a name for herself strutting her stick thin stuff as the vindictive villainess on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. However, her reality tee-vee notoriety is hardly Miz Staub’s only tawdry claim to fame. Turns out Miz Staub, whose name used to be Beverly Ann Merrill, is a woman with a past. Back in the mid 1980s, in the dew of her youth, Miss Merrill was a model in Miami, FL as well as (allegedly) a high class prostie who went by the name of Beverly Minelli. Among her oh so klassy friends, associates and (alleged) clients was Daniel Claudio Aguilar, who at the time was a known coke dealer for Columbia’s Medellín cocaine cartel. Although Miz Staub (or Merrill or Minelli or whatever) will tell you she was at the wrong place at the wrong time, in 1986 she was arrested in connection with an extortion and kidnapping plot. She was picked up by the po-po in a house where, in addition to Miz Staub, authorities found 6 kilos of cocaine and approximately $16,000 cash. Oh dear. Long story short, Miz Staub (or Merrill or Minelli or whatever) cut a deal with the feds, pleaded guilty to one charge of extortion, helped prosecute and convict Señor Aguilar and, for her kind cooperation, was given 5 years of probation. She later headed north, changed her name, married, had a couple of kids and settled down in a big house in suburban New Jersey.

According to property records, Miz Staub and her now ex-huzband Tom acquired the chunky, “Tudor” style mansion in February of 1998. Records also show they paid $1,025,000 for the Shadow Ridge Run residence which listing information says is located in the, “prestigious” Wayne, NJ neighborhood of Horizon Heights. We don’t know about y’all, but Horizon Heights sounds to Your Mama’s ears more like the name of a second tier drug rehab center than that of a classy neighborhood of distinguished homes. Then again, what do we know?

Listing information for Miz Staub’s three-story manse indicates it measures in at approximately 10,500 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 5 full and 2 half poopers. It’s a good damn thing Miz Staub does not work because it surely takes some juggling of the schedule to clean that big ass house, scrub all seven of them terlits and still have time left over to troll the interweb looking for phone sex and/or a new huzband to pay her bills.

A long driveway rises to a motor court and stair case that rises even further up to the front door predictably located in a stone-faced turret. The front door opens to an allegedly “grand,” double height foyer with a twin staircases that is meant to impress guests but does nuthin‘ but leave Your Mama dee-pressed and feeling like this is just another over-sized, suburban tract house mansion with medium grade finishes working hard and unsuccessfully to make it look like a rich person lives there. You know children, if people would stop buying these multi-million dollar architectural vulgarities with cliché, Home Despot finishes then perhaps builders would wise up and start hiring a smart architect to design something that does not make Your Mama and all the other design queens and snobs of the world want to run bamboo shoots into our eyes.

But we digress….Miz Staub’s living room features a double height ceiling, a stone fireplace, some peach colored built-in cabinetry and a couple of grey-looking sofas with flower fabric that Your Mama wouldn’t even punish our worst enemy with. According to listing information, the billiard room has custom mahogany paneling–incorrectly spelled “mohagany” in the listing– and a fireplace. There is not, however, a billiard table in the billiard room. In all honesty chickens, we like the mahogany paneling. There’s not much wrong with mahogany paneling. However, the green marble fireplace surround is trite, the blond wood floors are wrong on every level and we’d bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that tree thing in the corner is one of those horrid silk numbers. All Your Mama’s children know that decorating rule #27 states: No silk flowers or shrubbery shall be used in any home, for any reason, not matter how much they cost and/or how “real” they look. Heed those words, babies.

Other first floor rooms include (but may not be limited to) a formal dining room, a large eat-in kitchen (which we recall from the show as being dated), and a family room. The lower floor is where Miz Staub parks her white Range Rover in the 4+ car garage. Up those twin staircase are the bedrooms which include a large, beige carpeted master suite comprised of a sitting room with fireplace, bathroom, walk in closet and a bedroom with some sort of crazy wood cabinet contraption built up around the bed. We will not mention Miz Staub’s tired looking bed clothing other than to say we hope she drives her skinny butt to Linens & Things and gets some new damn sheets for her next residence.

In addition to weedy looking landscaping in the front yard, the .93 acre property includes a free form swimming pool and spa with an adjacent pool cabana and a lot of concrete patios. That’s about all we have to say about that.

Miz Staub frequently bragged that she was the first woman in New Jersey to have an American Express Centurian Card but during the first season on The Real Housewives of New Jersey she blabbed to the cameras that she struggled financially and that two years after the acrimonious dee-vorce was still bickering and feuding with the ex-huzband over her settlement. Presumably Miz Staub no longer has that black Amex card to flash around town and, keeping in mind that we don’t know a telephone pole from a lemon tree, we’d guess the sale of this house has something to do with said settlement. Although Your Mama thinks Miz Staub is at least three kinds of crazy, we do hope beehawtcha pulls her poop together for the sake of her children. We do. Think of the children.

Your Mama is on pins and needles for the next season of The Housewives of New Jersey to see where Miz Staub is going to be hanging all her many way too skimpy for a woman her age dresses. Will it be a dumpy, rented condo in Paterson, NJ or has her new found reality stardom provided her with enough dough to buy a big suburban tract mansion in ritzy Ridgewood?