Team Snark headed over to the Pacific Design Center last night to party with the “American Idol” top 12. And by “party with” I mean we watched them get treated like rock stars on the red carpet for an hour and a half while we remained behind the velvet ropes like Les Deux rejects.
The recap will be cut into two timelines: shindig time and “Idol” time. Like “Hammer Time,” but different.
We arrive at the Pacific Design Center, aka “the blue whale building”, home of Oscar parties, “Top Design” and numerous other Los Angeles-based events.
Earlier in the evening, I (Erin) created a plan of action in case I run into trouble with any of the “Idols”: “Are you that mean chick who hated my version of ‘Love is a Battlefield’?” “Nope. My name is Phil Gallo. Nice to meet you.”
The finalists were still en route so we amused ourselves at the bar and the buffet. Snag two Sour Simon drinks (Midori sour, sweetened lime juice, grapefruit juice, vodka). Yummy!
During the party, Fox is flashing glamour shots of the Top 12 on plasma screens, so we quickly use our powers of deduction to figure out who got booted off.
No Danny. No Luke.
So far, so good.
Wait… where is Asia’h? What the hell?!
We pose for our pictures to be taken and transferred to chocolate CDs.
Erin: Kathy spots Constantine. He is really, really tall. It is now my mission to try to talk him up in an effort to get a usable quote, so I force her to chase him around the party with me.
Kathy: Erin literally made me chase him down. I now have a new “most embarrassing moment.” Constantine and I happen to have a mutual friend, so I say “Mary* says hi” because I can think of nothing else to say to him. And actually I think Mary* would consider him an acquaintance. *Name has been changed to protect the innocent.
Erin: Hi. I’m a loser. Not only am I a loser, but Constantine calls me a “vampire.” In case the loser thing didn’t sink in yet, I was insulted by Constantine. Or flattered, depending on his take on Anne Rice novels. Hard call.
Kathy: We also noted, then ignored, the presence of former Idols Kimberly Caldwell, Gina Glockson and Blake Lewis. It worries me sometimes that there’s room in my brain for seven seasons worth of “Idol” finalists’ names but that I often lose my keys.
Blake Lewis takes the stage and keeps with this week’s ’80s week by singing an OMD-inspired song “How Many Words.” It really sounds like a synth song from 1986, except of course for the beat boxing.
The “Idols” are on the red carpet, where they will stay for the remainder of the night. Carly is really tall, Ramiele is really, really short. I know they kept saying that on the show, but I didn’t really believe it. But ’tis true; we, at 5’2″ and 5’3″ towered over her like Amazon goddesses. Cool.
David C., David A. and Jason are in the top 12.
Ryan announces that Paula’s video is the No. 1 download on iTunes.
Erin: Apparently, I’m not the only one who hasn’t mastered the one-click system on iTunes.
Kathy: WHAAAA? Did he mean No. 1 video from a former Laker Girl? No. 1 Randy Jackson produced video? I’m flabbergasted.
We go to pick up our chocolate goodies and run into Luke. Both of us look at each other and stammer. Really, what is there to say? Except that he’s smokin’ hot. As Kathy says, “I wanted to say I’m sorry you got kicked off the show, but I’m really not.” I agreed. I needed a few more Sour Simons to lie like that.
Brooke, Syesha make the top 12. Kady bites the dust.
At the bash, we meet two lovely gents who have made it their life’s work to party with David Archuleta. We wish them good luck in their quest. We also met a gaggle of 12 year old girls who have the same goal. May the best man or tween win.
David H. and Michael make the cut. Former carpet-cleaner Luke says adios to the show. It is revealed that he too has a hottie wife to go home to, so I can’t feel that bad for him.
Danny is hanging out with friends in a Ikea-inspired den of iniquity.
Ramiele, Amanda, Kristy make the top 12. Asia’h goes home.
Erin: I feel terrible. Apparently, America’s heartstrings have a limit. Dead dads just don’t cut it anymore. To stay on Idol these days, you need a combo of conquering a disability while grieving a dead or missing parent while in line for your audition. America, what happened to you. You’ve grown cold over the years.
Kathy: Even Simon looks sad at this development. I am crestfallen. Asia’h I will miss you. Sniff.
Erin: Danny says goodbye to newfound friends and is off to join the touring version of “Hedwig.” Chikeze is safe.
Kathy: It was a sad and tearful night for the four soon-to-be-forgotten contestants. That inspired me to suggest a few song choices for Ramilele to perform in upcoming weeks: Leslie Gore’s “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To,” “Cry Me a River,” Roy Orbison’s “Crying,” “Crying Shame” and perhaps Guns n’ Roses’ “Don’t Cry.”
There you go folks. Our top 12 for 2008 are: Ramiele Malubay, Carly Smithson, Brooke White, Amanda Overmyer (yay), Syesha Mercado, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie, Jason Castro, Michael Johns (hot in person too) and the Davids – Archuleta, Cook and Hernandez.
Kathy: We run into Justin Guarini. Boy is good lookin’. And nice. Erin, do you have something to say to Justin?
Erin: At this point I need to apologize for any anti-Justin comments I have made in the past. Now, while his music isn’t really my cup of tea, the boy is smoking hot. I saw him and my knees buckled. It was totally unexpected. Now I can never, ever make a Sideshow Bob comment ever again. Ever. I am deeply ashamed.
Grab another drink. Randy’s Yo Dawg for Kathy, a cosmo for Erin. Randy’s drink is terrible so I pawn it off on Erin and steal her cosmo.
We chat up Fox’s reality guru Mike Darnell, who is super cool.
One more drink and I’ll be able to understand Paula’s world.
Goodie bag contents: Nifty canvas “Idol” tote bag, Coca Cola T-shirt, little bottle of Coke, Ford poster, Ford/Susan G. Komen scarf, Hot Wheels Mustang and a magnetized chart for your refrigerator that comes with stickers of the finalists’ faces and red X’s to place over them as they get booted off. I (Kathy) actually use it every year. I’m such a nerd. Erin gave me hers so my nieces could have one too. Thanks, Erin, from the girls.