‘American Idol’: Diamond Dogs

Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched.
What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I’ve misread my notes. I thought they all sang next week already. Now I’m embarrassed. Erin can you take over for a minute while I figure this out? Tell the folks a story or something. I’m going to have another swig of Paula’s Coca Cola and try to get my bearings.

Neilgroup_2Erin: It’s Neil Diamond week on “Idol,” and I am happy to say that Neil looks fab. I’m so glad he didn’t go the Kenny Rogers route in aging. Neil take the kids under his wing as they step up to the plate to either popularize his tunes for a new generation, or mutilate them so that lifelong fans will learn to hate them.
And since Ryan gets to tell a dumb story about Neil Diamond, I feel justified in sharing my story as well.

Back when I was  a kid, my mom used to teach at this hoity-toity school where celebs sent their spawn for an alternative education. As the  classroom charity cases, my sis and I got to tag along on many of the field trips, which were not your normal “let’s take a bus to the zoo” thing. It was more like weeklong ski trips and tours of Malibu beaches. Anyway, on one of the trips, the  entire class went camping for the weekend with parents in tow. Neil came with his kids and even brought a guitar along for the campfire. Looking back, it was pretty cool, but at the time, I had little idea of who he was, so my sister and I spent  the night taunting him for not knowing the words to “La Bamba.” I’m really sorry about that Neil. In hindsight, I was an idiot. If I ever go camping with you again, I’ll just sit quietly and listen to whatever tunes you want to play. You’re the man, baby.

NeilportraitlKathy: Oh yeah, Neil Diamond. We’re on the same page now. I wasn’t looking forward to this week, especially when I heard that each kid was doing two songs. I was pretty sure there weren’t 10 Neil Diamond songs I could sit through. But Neil is an affable guy, although WAY more tactful than Andrew Lloyd Webber — so, not as fun. And he does look great. There’s a lot to be said for aging gracefully. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Kenny Rogers. Maybe I’ll cancel that Botox consultation I have set up.

Erin: This week, each Idol gets the two chances to shine, and the judges must remain mute during the first performance. It’s double the fun, double the groans.

Kathy: Before we talk about the actual performances, let’s talk about Paula and that thing that happened last night. It may have been the single most entertaining segment in “Idol” history, but not in a good way.

NewpaulaErin: When Paula is asked to give an opinion of Jason’s first performance, she has a vision of the future by giving a review of his second performance as well. I think she had taken a few too many of Mother’s little helpers Tuesday, or she took the perfect amount and it has released her psychic abilities, “Dead Zone” style.

Kathy: I watched it six times. I couldn’t get enough. The whole thing kind of happened in slow motion, like a traffic accident. Here’s my play-by-play of the whole event.

Paula says to Jason, who has only sung once, “I thought your second performance was, um, lacking that charm you usually bring.” Plus something about how it left him (or her, I’m not sure) empty. Randy says “He only sang one song.” Then Paula made it worse: “WHAT? I can’t read my notes. This is hard. You mean you didn’t sing twice? I thought you sang twice.”

First everyone was frozen, just trying to figure out what the hell Paula just did. Then David Cook barely stifled a laugh, forever cementing a place in my heart. Jason looked confused. Oh wait, no reaction from Jason; he always looks like that. Brooke looked concerned. Seacrest looked bewildered. Then the lady stage manager (remember her, the one who wanted to touch Brad Pitt?) obviously yelled something from backstage because Seacrest glanced to his right, looking pleadingly backstage and everyone suddenly sprang into action. I imagine she shouted something like “Stop her now, before it gets worse!” Randy and Simon stepped in like protective older brothers and helped Paula out of the fog she was in.

Randy: “Paula, Paula, Paula, just tell us who was your favorite?”
Simon: “Oh I’ve had enough. Here we go. Jason, you’re forgettable. David Cook you’re just above average. Brooke, it was a nightmare. Archuletta you were amateurish and Syesha, you were old fashioned. You better all step it up.”
Way to bring us back to reality Simey.

Note to Paula from Erin and Kathy:
1) Take notes that you can read. We do it every week.
2) This is not hard. Erin and I manage and we have full time jobs and no servants.
3) You do not get to pre-judge the contestants. Only Erin and I get to do that.
4) Have your doctor regulate your meds.

And here’s what we thought of the performances, after actually hearing them.

More TV

  • Glow Netflix Cosutmes

    'GLOW' Costume Designers on Revisiting the Flashy, Colorful '80s

    Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched. What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I’ve misread my notes. I thought they […]

  • 'Hammerhead' Takes Top Honors at New

    'Hammerhead' Takes Top Honors at New York Television Festival

    Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched. What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I’ve misread my notes. I thought they […]

  • Watch Pusha T Perform ‘Santeria’ With

    Watch Pusha T Perform ‘Santeria’ With 070 Shake and The Roots

    Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched. What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I’ve misread my notes. I thought they […]

  • Zachary Quinto In Search Of

    Zachary Quinto Talks 'Paying Homage' to Leonard Nimoy for 'In Search Of' Reboot

    Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched. What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I’ve misread my notes. I thought they […]

  • Trial & Error Review

    TV Ratings: 'Trial & Error' Sinks With Second Season Debut

    Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched. What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I’ve misread my notes. I thought they […]

  • ABC - More In Common

    ABC Hopes Feel-Good Series for Facebook About Americans Uniting Goes Viral

    Kathy: Next week on “American Idol,” Jason sucked, David Cook rocked, Syesha sang well but nobody liked her and Little David made yet another song sound exactly the same as all the others while little girls screeched. What’s that you say? Next week hasn’t happened yet? Oh boy. I’ve misread my notes. I thought they […]

More From Our Brands

Access exclusive content