They give us aerial shots of Miami and Gloria Estefan, just to get us in the mood. Not in the mood for South Beach, but for more crappy music. Man, this is getting tedious.
God bless you, Brittany Wescott (top left) and Corliss Smith (below left). After the dismal showing in Omaha, these buxom gals are a treat — they’re both fun and talented. After making a beefy Seacrest sandwich in the lobby, they knock it out of the park in their dual audition with renditions of “Take Five” and “My Guy,” respectively, while trying to court the Randy (Corliss prefers a little meat on her men) and Simon (Brittany likes ’em skinnier). OK, so that’s one strike against them.
Julie Dubela. We hate this girl (below right). Her parents spent her entire life telling her how special she is, and now she’s got a superiority complex on par with Dwight Schrute and Joseph McCarthy. The former “Junior Idol” (anyone even remember that show? Anyone?) contestant “dazzles” hopefuls with her stale 20th-place winning performance, then throws a tantrum when faced with her own mediocrity. Oh, go home and practice that pouty face in the mirror some more. Ten years from now, she will be opening malls in the fly-over states by performing the same tired routine of yesteryear while wearing that neon netting thing. Folks, say hello to the new and improved Baby Jane, sans the letter from Daddy. “Junior Idol” is destined to be the highlight of her life, no matter how long she lives.
And, oh so any others:
Shannon McGough, the butcher/belcher (below left), whose burping was more melodic than her singing. I don’t think we need to elaborate.
Richard Valles and his horrible Rascal Flatts imitation
Brandon Black (below left). For a moment there, I though I was being treated to the antics of a crazed homeless person who accidentally got caught up in the “American Idol” line while looking for a place to bathe. Sadly, he took off the wig and it turned out he was a third-rate funnyman, who looks like a young Russell Simmons and sounds like an old Richard Simmons. My heart stopped when he began taking off the jacket. “Please, no. Please, let it end there.” Thankfully, he didn’t strip any further. He also didn’t impress, didn’t make anyone laugh and didn’t sing very well.
Suzanne Toon (left), the stunner who got knocked up while attending a high school for performing arts. A common plight. Now she’s a 21-year-old single mom with a 3-year-old, blah, blah, blah, who hasn’t sung for three years. Wait, does giving birth render one unable to sing? I’m confused.
Syesha Mercado, whose dad is a drug addict/alcoholic. Another tired sob story, but there you go. I automatically dislike people who try to sell me on their positive-thinking way of life. You know what? I like being bitter. My bitterness gets me out of bed in the morning and through the day. When my resentment is in full force, my cheeks glow and my eyes sparkle. Also, I don’t scream like a banshee and call it singing. Re-reading this makes me realize that I should probably go out and get more cats. Like, a dozen of them. Then once I start chasing the neighborhood kids off my lawn while holding a beer and/or rake, my transformation will be complete.
That was Erin. Don’t piss her off. I (Kathy), actually like to believe in the power of positive thinking. However, I am also a realist and know that there are some things The Secret cannot give me: Longer legs, more childbearing years, $1 million… and a singing voice worthy of being heard in public. Syesha hasn’t learned this life lesson yet. Although scream-singing has made a career for Jennifer Hudson so maybe Syesha isn’t so misguided after all.
Paula. Like a four-year-old, she stuck her fingers in her ears and chanted in an effort to ignore Simon after the audition of Ghaleb “Inigo Montoya” Emachah (below left, doesn’t he look like Antonio Banderas’ less attractive brother?) While his audition was just peachy, Simon’s comments on Paula’s future scandal were nothing she wanted to hear. After wandering around the table for a bit, she finally said yes to the Latin lover and sort of made out with him. Just ewww.
On that note, I think Randy and Simon have been drinking out of Paula’s glass this season. Most of the folks that have made it through the auditions would have never even gotten to see the holy trinity three seasons ago. There have been more costumes, gimmicks, dead parents and single mothers than ever, but nothing that has blown my hair back. Don’t get me wrong, there is talent, but nothing that made me say, “Oh, hell yes. This person is going to do some damage in the finals.” What do you think, Kath?
Well Erin, I can only hope that we have not yet seen the best. Beyond Kristy the horse trainer from Oregon and your future Australian husband Michael, there’s nobody I really want to see move on past Hollywood. Are all the good singers in Atlanta (Tuesday’s city)? Are the producers saving them for the best-of the auditions episode (Wednesday)? Or are we being made to wait until the top 24 round again this year? Or, God forbid, is there no talent to be had this year?
— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford