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“American Idol”: Audition city 4 – Charleston

The auditions move to Charleston, SC, and our expectations are sky high since five of six “Idol” winners and half the runners up have hailed from the South. Our hopes are quickly dashed as the city (boy, does it look pretty!) is heavy on the confident but untalented singers and light on the future top 12 contestants. We would also have enjoyed more sob stories and freaks, but it wasn’t to be. Here’s what we did get:

THE GOOD…ENOUGH TO GO TO HOLLYWOOD BUT REALLY NOT ALL THAT GOOD

Nofun_2Amy Catherine Flynn, high school fun-killer who speaks out against sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, yet dresses a little like a hoochie. I guess you’d call her the ultimate tease. The abstinence-preaching cheerleader (left) really needs to hone that no-sex-before-marriage pitch if she wants to get through to hormonal teens. “Why not just wait six more years until you get married?” isn’t really going to work. Simon declares that a lot of people will find her annoying. Count us among them. He also predicts that she will change her tune once she lands in Lalaland. We’re actually thinking college, probably at her second frat party after a keg stand, while wearing her Sparkle Motion uniform. We can picture the YouTube video already.

FatalbertMichelle and Jeffrey Lampkin, the cute brother-sister team who display a disturbingly inappropriate chemistry while singing “I’ll Be Your Angel.” Jeffrey — a sort of flamboyant Fat Albert — is the more talented sibling. Big sis stands in his massive shadow. Erin likens Jeffrey (right) to a Rerun/Ruben hybrid and hopes they do well but Kathy predicts neither of them will make it past Hollywood.

SOB STORY (Just one!)

London Weidberg whose dad died three years ago.

THE BAD

Raysharde Henderson, who calls himself the “black Clay Aiken.” I don’t even know where to go with that. He’s so bad he gets the Simon double whammy insult: “very cruise ship and cabaret.” Ouch.

AngryDeAnna Prevatte (don’t forget the capital “A,” damnit!), the bitter, bordering on psychotic, waitress from Kellie Pickler’s hometown. We’d tell you how bad she was but we’re afraid she’ll hunt us down and kill us. DeAnna (left) will probably see a dip in tips after the churchgoers get wind of her potty mouth.

Joshua Boson, who upon his unanimous rejection declares the show “fake and rigged,” which pisses Simon right off and prompts him to call Joshua “rude and deluded.” It might have gotten uglier but Joshua stomped out of the room

Lyndsey Goodman, the Air Force pilot. She doesn’t make the cut and we’re so disappointed because this top gun chick rocks in every way except the one that matters most in this competition. We blame the song choice. Once again, a siren from the South feels it necessary to bust out “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles, which rears its head at least twice a season on “Idol.” The “Idol” licensing fees have probably been keeping Ms. Myles’ rent from exceeding past due for several years.

ArethaAretha Codner, (right) the fashion-challenged, overconfident namesake of the Queen of Soul. There are at least two things about her that resemble the buxom Motown diva. Her voice isn’t one of them.

Oliver Highman, who continues the weird trend this season of contestants having their auditions thwarted by impending offspring. Remember Antoria Gillon from Dallas who missed her audition to give birth and then named the poor tot Jamil Labarron Idol McCowan? (There they are, pictured below).

BabyidolAt least Highman (who probably endured years of mockery during roll call) wasn’t the one giving birth this time. But he actually dragged his poor wife to the audition hours after the big event. She should have considered telling him he wasn’t good enough while they were still at the hospital. He was pretty adorable and a very nice guy, but we’ve seen the last of him. We think the judges were a big too harsh on the lad. If anything, the last name only deserved a pity vote.

THE UGLY

Paula’s hideous gray arm warmers.

The montage of (mostly male) contestants singing Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.”

CoupleCrystal Ortiz and Randy Stark (left), the couple who met on the AmericanIdol.com message boards and had their first face-to-face encounter by a garbage can. He doles out audition advice on the message boards and evidently many in South Carolina took his words to heart. The duo sings a truly awful original song about how they are all wrong for each other. Simon once again says what we’re thinking and tells them to get a room. Blech.

— Kathy Lyford and Erin Maxwell