“Idol” went back to Dallas — where Kelly Clarkson auditioned — for the first time since season one. We’re only one-third done with the audition rounds and I’m already tiring of the freak show. I made the mistake of watching live last night. Don’t ever do that. Once you lose the ability to fast-forward, you slowly lose your mind.
Of note last night…
Pia “Zpia” Easley (left), who channels many, many levels of awesome. Complete with faux hawk and Gladys Knight song in tow, I want this one to do very well. I fear she may falter in the later rounds when they have to sing the least offensive Barry Manilow song they can find.
Kady Malloy. She does singing impressions, intentionally, but really shines when she’s being herself.
Honorable mentions: Kyle Ensley (below), who reminds me of a politically motivated and healthier Chris Sligh… Nina Shaw, who’s gorgeous and has a voice just good enough to take her pretty far…and Alaina Whitaker.
Paul Stafford, the park groundskeeper/roller-coaster enthusiast who sang an Elliot Yamin song. When will these kids ever learn? DON’T SING FORMER IDOL CONTESTANTS’ SONGS!! He did bust out the laugh-out-loud quote of the night however by saying “Simon goes down on everybody.” He meant to say Simon criticizes everyone, which isn’t even true this year. It’s as if our grumpy Brit has been shot with a tranquilizer gun. He’s kinder, gentler and hasn’t been unnecessarily rude to anyone yet. It’s refreshing.
Angela Reilly. She’s a bad singer but already a winner because she’s got the world’s most supportive husband — who also happens to be a model. Angela’s hit the jackpot.
Tammy Tuzinski, a walking ad for depression medication.
Rocker Kyle Reinneck (right) who likes to wear makeup. Not that there’s anything wrong with a man in makeup. It works for Pete Wentz. But Kyle needs to get himself down to the Dallas Sephora for a lesson on the application of cosmetics because the way he’s doing it now makes him look like a ventriloquist’s dummy.
Brandon Green, who peels his fingernails and collects them in a Ziploc bag. I had to fast-forward to get past that without gagging, but than realized I might miss his audition, and ended up having to watch it twice. Just…yuck. We’ll see more of him in Hollywood. Goodie.
Bruce Dickson. Like “Enchanted,” but different. The 19-year-old manboy who, on advice from of good old dad, is searching for his soulmate that will share true love’s first kiss. Seriously. I think the guy who collected his fingernails was slightly less unnerving. Also loved that Ryan felt the need to announce the he had kissed a girl… today, in fact.
Douglas Davidson, whose dad hates him for singing. After the audition I think most people agree with Dad. He was sweaty and babbling and had to be escorted out by security, presumably right into a straitjacket.
Renaldo Lapuz (who is 44 and makes me wonder why they have age restrictions in the first place. Apparently, if you want to audition, all you need is a costume and the ability to feel no shame.) He landed here on planet Earth and has identified Simon as our king. And it’s sad that he’s not completely incorrect. Lapuz pays tribute to the limey bastard with “We Are Brothers Forever,” which sends the remaining Idol cast to their feet and joining in.
Former meth-head Jessica Brown, who tore a page from the Fergie handbook on how to better yourself after a crank addiction.
Kayla Dawn Hatfield, who was scarred from a car accident but is perhaps the perkiest person on the planet. She got through to the next round based solely on personality.
One contestant never made it to her audition because she went into labor while waiting. And she named the baby Idol. Nuff said.
Best non-televised quote of the night:
From Erin’s mother after watching the cavalcade of losers: “By the way, in case I never mentioned it before, if you or your sister ever do this to me, I’ll personally cripple you.”
— Erin Maxwell and Kathy Lyford
For Phil Gallo’s take on last night’s episode, see Variety’s Set List blog