American Idol: We predict the new Idol will be named David

Yep, folks. It’s David vs. David for the final two. The rocker vs. the kiddie crooner. Two men enter, one man leaves! Welcome to the Thunderdome!

Alfonso Arau

Erin: Yep, folks. It’s David vs. David for the final two. The rocker vs. the kiddie crooner. Two men enter, one man leaves! Welcome to the Thunderdome!

Kathy: This has been a foregone conclusion since early in the round of 24 when Little David sang “Imagine” and rocker Dave sang that Lionel Richie song. The biggest drama of the entire season was Michael Johns going home a week or two too early. No wonder the ratings are down.

Erin: Sorry if my enthusiasm seems a little forced, but I am so totally reeling from the finale of “America’s Next Top Model.” That was awesome. Not that “Idol” doesn’t have its strong points, but the David vs. David vs. Syesha face-off just isn’t as nail-biting as the Fatima vs. Anya vs. Whitney thing going on at the CW.

Kathy: More on that later.

Erin: So, during the Top Three results show, we had a blessed visit from Fantasia doing her best Grace Jones impression, which is totally fine by me. I love Grace, so anything the remotely reminds me of her is cool in my book. I wonder what Mister would say about the hair though?

Kathy: Did you see Simon’s face!? He looked perplexed… and a little scared. I was a little scared too. Mostly by her outfit.

Erin: We also took a look at the Top Three as they visit their hometowns like conquering heroes, where they were welcomed back with open arms. Each of the Idols got a day dedicated to them, which apparently fairly common for small towns once you gain fame on a reality show.

Do the fine citizens of Grand Prairie, TX, still celebrate Nikki McKibbin Day with family picnics and repeated blarings of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”?

David A. got to go back to Utah, which confirms my cousin’s theory about young Davey escaping a polygamist cult in the recent past. The lad was mobbed by thousands upon thousands of blond cheerleaders, all of whom have cell phones and are way more obsessive about calling “Idol” with their votes than either you or me.

Kathy: Is it just me or does the mayor of David’s fair town look like Yosemite Sam?

Erin: It’s not just you. I would kill for him to tell me that “his biscuits are a burnin’.”

Cue tears.

Erin: Syesha also headed home. I would have actually fast forwarded through this part, but I used up my TiVo buffer on Ryan’s banter, so I watched her visit the Sunshine State and its local Fox affiliates.

Kathy: Loved they way her dad basically told her that her newfound fame was the only thing keeping him away from the bottle and the crack pipe. Way to put pressure on the girl, daddy.

Cue tears.

Erin: David C. brings his cute emo geek brother on stage to recount the fact that he wasn’t even going to audition, but got suckered into it by Fox interns. Man, that’s gotta sting, bro. Seriously. When Mr. Cook his travels through Missouri, during the concert you can see his brother mouthing the words to the song, secretly wishing his sibling ill will. I know, I know, he’s sick and his brother supports him, but you can’t believe for a second that there isn’t a dark spot in his heart. Kathy, what do you think?

Kathy: I think the brother is going to hold that over David’s head for the rest of his life. I know I would. Bro is going to sit and play videogames and live off the success of his more talented sibling. Hopefully, when that scene from Ford video becomes a reality, David will have a mansion with a driveway full of cars that are not Focuses and Explorers.

Erin: Maybe that’s his dream. To save mankind from owning Ford cars by buying all of them.

Anyway, on his travels, David C. Got to visit his old music teacher, throw out an opening pitch at a baseball game, walk in a parade, cure the blind and solve the global warming issue.

Kathy: Oh man, my dream of all dreams is to throw out the first pitch at a Major League Baseball game. Damn you David for stealing my dream. Of course, it was the Royals so — big whoop.

Also, I’ve met my fair share of celebrities and have never been reduced to tears in front of them. Why does this always happen? I was reduced to babbling incoherently in front of George Clooney once but I think that’s a common phenonmenon. Erin, can you explain all the girls in tears?

Erin: Kath, keep in mind that we live in a world where celebs are not confined to the screen. They live here, they play here, they hit your car at the Trader Joe’s, they take the last cupcake at Sprinkles and they buy studded dog booties at the Grove. We are used to seeing them up and around, but in the fly-over states, they probably glorified them to near deity status. For them, Cameron Diaz is a golden goddess. For us, she’s the chick that took the last size small pink cami at the Fred Siegel sale.

Cue tears.

Erin: So, it’s the battle royale between the Davids next week. I can’t wait.

Kathy: Oh, neither can I!

P.S. Check Variety.com later today for big news on a previous “Idol” winner.

American Idol: We predict the new Idol will be named David

Fox; Wed., 9 pm