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SELLER: Tom and Christine Glavine
LOCATION: Old Southwick Pass, Alpharetta, GA
PRICE: $3,750,000
SIZE: 14,550 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful & immaculate brick estate on 1.95 acres w/ complete privacy. Distinguished appointments & details. Elegance begins as you walk in this incredible home. Elegant master suite. Kitchen perfection. Large rooms. Finished terr level w/ wet bar, wine cellar, billiard, exercise rm, putting green.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In honor of the Bravo’s season premiere of The Housewives of Atlanta, Your Mama wants to mosey on down to Hotlanta where tipster Georgia Peach tells us the mammoth mansion owned by professional ball tosser Tom Glavine and his wifey Christine was recently listed for $3,750,000.

But before we get to the real estate, did the children tune in to the Housewives of Atlanta after that pitiful excuse for a presidential debate last night? We did. Oh lawhd children, both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter watched this tee-vee trainwreck with our mouths hanging wide open and utterly transfixed while those five deeply narcissistic bee-hawtchas down in Atlanta pranced around in their designer clothes des-per-uht to out fabulous each other. Those are five of the most catty, oppressively shallow and unlikable ladees that have ever been blasted into our living room through the boob-toob and we can hardly wait to watch them embarrass themselves on national television every week.

Anyhoo, let’s get back to the real estate. It’s well known among fame gamers that Atlanta, GA is home to all manner of celebrities, music moguls, sports figures and big bizness barons. One of the big name residents is Atlanta Braves veteran southpaw pitcher Tom Glavine. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter don’t participate in or watch the more “manly” sports so when we first got word of Mister Glavine listing his huge house in suburban Atlanta we had no idea who he is. Like we always do when confronted with real estate owned by sports stars, we called our ball obsessed pal Fiona Trambeau who told us she was far to bizzy to speak to us today. So we took to the internets where we learned that in his 20+ year career Mister Glavine twice earned the Cy Young Award (whatever that is), was selected for 10 All-Star teams and in 1995 pitched his way to a World Series win. All impressive stuff.

Property records show that way back in February of 1992 Mister Glavine forked over $146,700 to purchase a large lot on Old Southwick Pass in a gated community called the Country Club of the South. The pricey and prestigious golf course community is actually located in Alpharetta, a fancy schmancy suburb just north of Atlanta.

Given that the lot now sports a giant house, we can only assume that Mister Glavine then proceeded to spend big bucks building his Neoclassical Barbie Dream House that records show measures in at a whopping 14,550 square feet and includes 7 bedrooms, and 11 terlits spread across 9 full bathrooms and 2 half bathrooms.

After crossing the covered porch with its towering columns, guests are greeted in and meant to be impressed by the double height entrance hall with twin curving staircases and a great big glimmering chandelier. The double height living room includes a carved marble mantel, built in book shelves and a wall of paned windows flanked by some of the ugliest swagged curtains Your Mama has ever seen.

The dining room has complicated moldings, another large crystal chandelier and swagged curtains even more ass uglee than those in the living room. Jeezis, Mary and Jehosephat, what possesses people to put these crazy curtain treatments up in their homes? Is the idea that if their fortunes evaporate– as they may be doing as the Dow drops and financial markets continue to implode–the ladee of the house can have her housegurl sew up the velvet and tassels into a dee-luxe drapery dress like Miss O’Hara did in Gone With the Wind?

The large kitchen features multi-colored cabinetry, black granite counter tops, an very disturbing faux finish paint treatment, a gigantic breakfast bar with some deeply unattractive chairs, a large breakfast nook surrounded by arched windows and columns, and perhaps most upsetting to Your Mama, a pot rack. Maybe the Missus Glavine felt a pot rack would make the kitchen feel homey, warm and cozy. We think it makes the kitchen look messy, industrial and potentiall hazardous to the cook’s cranium.

Listing information indicates that the terrace level, which we think is a walk out basement situation, includes a large black granite wet bar, a wine cellar, a billiard area, exercise room and a putting green. A putting green? Indoors? Pleeze. The master bedroom has a very high tray ceiling, another got-damn crystal chandelier, dual closets, another distressing drapery treatment and what we imagine to be a very large and lavish bathroom complete with double vanities, a truckload of brass hardware and even more swagged curtains.

According to listing information we received from Georgia Peach, other rooms and amenities of the brick built Glavine mansion include a library/office, media room, family room, recreation room, separate den, a second kitchen, 5 fireplaces, a rear staircase (for the hired help, natch) and a three car garage. The grounds include a large circular driveway and a private backyard with a heated swimming pool, an expensive looking children’s jungle gym, and a dining deck overlooking the surrounding woods.

In 2003, after many years playing for the Atlanta Braves, Mister Glavine moved north where he was paid boo-coo bucks to pitch for the New York Mets. There are many reports that indicate the couple also maintained a home in Greenwich, CT where Mister Glavine crashed during the baseball season. However, we did not find any record of the property, but we did find a report in the NY Daily News from 2007 that revealed that he listed the property for $5,400,000. In 2007, Mister Glavine left the Mets, returned to the nest of his Atlanta based family and signed a one year contract worth a reported $8,000,000 to toss balls, again, for the Atlanta Braves

Since Your Mama does not know Mister or Missus Glavine personally, we can’t say exactly why they have chosen to sell their gigantic house in Alpharetta. However, property records do show that in 2001 they paid $620,000 for a vacant lot on Hurlston Road, a small cul-de-sac also located in the Country Club of the South community. It appears to Your Mama that the lot overlooks the Chatahootchie River and now has a newly built mansion that includes, surprise! a baseball diamond in the back yard.

The Country Club of the South community is home to many of Atlanta’s rich and famous folks. The children may recall that this is the very same exclusive community where back in the saddle singer Whitney Houston and her ex-con ex-huzband Bobby Brown used to live before she wised up and kicked his sorry boo-tay to the curb. Other property owners include R&B superstar Usher who has been trying to sell an 8,022 square foot house on Merriweather Woods for more than a year, and prop records also reveal that really rich redneck jokemeister Jeff Foxworthy owns a 7,187 square foot manse on High Bridge Chase. And these are just the big name people Your Mama knows about. We are quite sure there are several other sports figures and music moguls living up in this swank ‘hood of boo-teek hotel sized homes.