SELLER: Toby Keith
LOCATION: West End Avenue, Nashville, TN
PRICE: $1,595,000
SIZE: 3,428 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms (as per listing)
DESCRIPTION: Old World design meets stylish in-town elegance that is secure & private. With all of the amenities of new construction plus outdoor living space & pool! Soaring ceilings, tile & hwd flrs, Pecky Cypress cab. Wine cellar ,built-ins, tile roof, 2 car garage

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen children, Your Mama has got to be snappy here because our good friend Fiona Trambeau is winging her way down from San Francisco for a visit and we had best get to the airport to pick her up on time. Lahwd have mercy on our snarky soul if we make Miss Thing wait at the curb for even two minutes clutching her tatty snakeskin handbag, clenching her big teeth and looking like a damn street walker–and you know she will. We’ll pay for that perceived indignity all weekend, so it’s imperative we show up on time or better yet, early. Plus, poor Fiona is mortally afeared of aero-planes so we are quite sure she’s gonna show up acting a halacious hot mess because, you know, a big nerve pill, several vodka gimlets and a ferocious fear of flying do not mix well.

Anyhoo, thanks to a man we’ll call Nashville Ned we have learned that unapologetically patriotic and award winning country singing superstar Toby Keith and his wifey Tricia have put their Nashville nest up for sale with an asking price of $1,595,000.

Property records show that the Dixie Chicks detesting cowboy purchased their 3,428 square foot house on bizzy and wide West End Avenue in September of 2006 for $1,350,000. Listing information reveals the three story, tile roofed Tuscan inspired residence includes three bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. It appears to Your Mama that the Keith crib is part of a tightly packed three house development of similarly styled houses, although as far as we can tell, the Keith couple own only the one.

Whatever the case, we do not think this is Mister Keith’s primary residence. Not only is it hardly large enough to house he, the wifey and their three children, property records reveal the well booted country couple also own an 8,714 square foot house that sits on 160 acres in Norman, Oklahoma where we believe the family bunks down. Therefore, we’d bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that this modest mini-manse acts as a crash pad for when Mister Keith has bizness in the country music capital of the world.

The floor plan indicates that the residence is entered on the middle level through a shallow barrel vaulted entrance hall that either shoots guests down a wide stone stairway to the lower floor, into a guest room (with private pooper) on the left or to the right and into the master bedroom with its surprisingly beautiful bronzy colored walls and rather unappealing four poster bed. The master bedroom is comprised of a bathroom with separate tub and shower, a walk in closet and, strangely, the stacked washer and dryer. We can understand having a second washer/dryer set in the master bedroom for washing the undergarments, but this appears to be the only washer/dryer in the house which means that Paulette the Laundress will be hanging out up in the master bedroom and watching her stories on the boob toob while folding clothes on the bed. Uhm, no. The master bedroom also has a private stairway to the third floor where the floor plan shows a windowless office, a large walk-in cedar closet for stashing out of season fashions and an exercise/media room. This would also, if so inclined, be an excellent location for the sexually adventurous to build an s/m dungeon or some other fetishistic hideaway.

The wide staircase sweeps guests down from the entrance to the lower floor where the main living and entertaining space is comprised of a 40+ foot long, stone floored and dramatically decorated living/dining room combo which features a soaring wood beamed ceiling, a fireplace, a row of french doors leading to the itty bitty backyard and equally tiny swimming pool and two large and wonderfully simple chandeliers. A powder room for guests has been tucked up into a corner of the dining room, a particularly risky location for all the obvious reasons.

The stone floor in the living room has been continued into the galley style kitchen where cabinets have been fashioned from Pecky Cyprus and a giant magazine rack has been affixed to one wall. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do not choose keep all our printed publications where we make meals, but we can certainly appreciate having a commodious rack like that could be invaluablet for sorting and organizing all the New Yorkers and gossip glossies that arrive in our mail box every week. A large walk in wine room between the kitchen and two car garage will make all the wobbly winos (who claim to tipple and toss back for the flavor) go weak in the knees.

Who knows why Mister and Missus Keith would choose to sell thei Nashville pied a terre just two years after purchasing and at a time when real estate values are sinking like the damn Titanic in most parts of the country. Then again, it’s unlikely Mister Keith needs the proceeds from the sale of this property to pay the water and eklecktrick, you know?

Now we gotta run and stash a few vomit bags in the big BMW before popping down to the airport to pickup Fiona Trambeau who will very likely lose her breakfast of nerve pills and booze on the ride home.