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Sidney Kimmel Kashes In

SELLER: Sidney Kimmel
LOCATION: S. Ocean Boulevard, Palm Beach, FL
PRICE: $81,500,000
SIZE: 32,316 square feet (total), 6 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Jeezis, Mary and Joseph, some of you children really twist us up like a damn pretzel. So before one of you moe-rons work Your Mama’s last frazzled nerve and force us to lay out a serious beat down (and you just might be surprised who we’d go after with our wooden spoon first), let’s just move on to another pricey Palm Beach property that has hit the market with a scorching hot price tag…an $81,500,000 price tag to be exact.

Hold on to your design expectation boots though because the ocean front mansion, owned by Jones Apparel Company founder turned filthy rich film producer Sidney Kimmel (Nine and a Half Weeks, Blame it on Rio, Charlie Bartlett, Lars and the Real Girl, The Kite Runner), is most assuredly not one of those palatial Palm Beach piles designed in the 1920s by high society architects Addison Mizner or Maurice Fatio, but rather a leviathan limestone edifice designed in the mid-1990s by New York based and high fallutin’ French born architect Thierry Despont.

For those few children who don’t know who Thierry Despont is, let Your Mama provide a five second education: In addition to being the gentleman responsible for the centennial restoration of the Statue of Liberty and the designer for the interior galleries of the much bally-hooed J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles, the egotastic architect has built a big bizness designing and decorating lavish mansions only exceeded in size by the big egos of his big bank account bizness baron clients like super-billionaire Bill Gates, J. Crew CEO Mickey Drexler, shamed Canadian newspaper mogul Conrad Black, and The Limited’s Leslie Wexner, who was dragging around a good looking and well built male assistant and some seriously blue hair the last time Your Mama was in the same room with him.

Anyhoo, way back in July of 1993, property records reveal that Mister Kimmel paid just $5,500,000 for the 4.27 acre property with 316 feet of ocean front on a particularly swanky stretch of S. Ocean Boulevard often referred to as Billionaires Row. Mister Kimmel had much larger real estate ambitions than the residence that stood on the property and he unceremoniously bull dozed the existing structures in order to make way for his tremendous Thierry Despont designed digs, a turn of events that surely left all the old-school Lily Pulitzer clad mummies in Palm Beach scandalized and clutching their frail hearts. Rumors, reports, and real estate press releases say Mister Kimmel spent the next 5 or six years and an eye popping and almost unbelievable 30 to 40 million clams erecting his ocean front dream house.

Now then, let’s get out our bejeweled calculators and work some of our fuzzy math children. If those numbers are to be believed, our real estate savvy Mister Kimmel is in to his winter palace for 35 to 45 million smackers for the buy and build. Let’s just say that, conservatively, it costs him another couple million each year in taxes, insurance and maintenance (his tax bill alone was $517,775 in 2007 according the the Palm Beach Appraiser), then Your Mama figures he’s got about $55-65,000,000 total into this place. Using those mostly made up numbers, Mister Kimmel stands to pocket $15-25,000,000 if the property sells for anywhere near the asking price, a hefty return considering he’s also had seven years usage and enjoyment of the resort like estate.

Property records indicate the chunky and formidable residence with its walls of glass measures 18,437 square feet. Press materials and multiple reports indicate the house sprawls across more than 26,000 square feet, and additional records show the property with 32,316 square feet of total square footage. All those different numbers leave Your Mama perplexed and befuddled about what the actual square footage is, so let’s just say that it’s ginormous and probably 8 or 10 times the size of your house.

Although Monsieur Despont conceives and constructs undeniably meticulous, sybaritic, and extraordinarily well considered structures for extraordinarily rich individuals, we personally think the exterior of Mister Kimmel’s krib feels more than a little civic and the interiors too Four Seasons Hotel for our particular taste. Don’t mistake Your Mama children, there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with a gorgeously designed county courthouse or being pampered at a Four Seasons hotel, and we are well aware that this property is just about as dee-luxe and well appointed as they come. In fact it’s practically begging for a bevy of Architectural Digest editors to fly in, photograph and coo over the unflinching extravagance in a glossy and glowing article. It’s just not working our happy spots, you know?

Without a doubt the 26 foot high atrium defines the central hub of the house where 34 gigantic rib cage-like Honduran mahogany beams form an undulating and momentous canopy over head. At the touch of a button, what is essentially an exceptionally luxurious covered porch is created when a row of six 20′ tall glass doors slowly lower into the ground. Did you read that properly children? Those doors lower 20 feet into the damn ground. No matter what you may think of Monsuier Despont or this house, that is some bad ass engineering shit.

Current listing information for the property reveals there are six bedrooms and a whopping 12 bathrooms, which means there are two full time gurls who spend their entire days scrubbing terlits. Reports and press materials also indicate that in addition to the massive main house, there is a 2 bedroom guest house, garaging for five cars, and two pool cabanas, because one pool cabana is simply not enough when you have this kind of money.

Neighbors of Mister Kimmel include prune faced and gravel voiced rock star Rod Stewart, Netscape co-founder Jim Clark, billionaire bizness man Malcolm Glazer, and Terry Allen Kramer, the fantastically rich ladee whom the children will recall booted big haired shock jock Howard Stern from the ocean front house on Southampton’s Gin Lane she leased to him so she could sell the place for a whopping $32,750,500. And of course, a few doors down from Mister Kimmel is the spectacular Casa Apava which Revlon Ron (Perelman) sold to house building baron Dwight Schar in 2005 for a staggering and record breaking $70,000,000, plus an additional $22,000,000 for a large lot across the Boulevard that fronts Lake Worth.

One might think that the octogenarian philanthropist, who has impressively and generously donated more that $500,000,000 to charitable causes, was simply scaling back his real estate portfolio, but that does not seem to be the case. Mister Kimmel is reported to own apartments in Los Angeles and New York and he recently forked over a reported $38-40,000,000 for late night television icon Johnny Carson’s estate on Wildlife Road on the cliffs of Point Dume in Malee-boo.

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