BUYER: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
LOCATION: Jane Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,400,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: One of a kind three bedroom, 2.5 bath apartment in the best location in the West Village. High ceiling, beautiful wood floor, authentic doors from Provence, and a wood burning fireplace. The living room is one of the largest single spaces in the West Village. The bathrooms are finished to perfections, and the entire apartment is a quintessential West Village oasis.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to Braden Keil at the NY Post, the disheveled and intensely hirsute faced thespian and film actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman and his long time ladee luver Mimi O’Donnel have finally gone to contract to purchase a lofty apartment on Jane Street in the West Village which carried an impressive asking price of $4,400,000. At first we thought this was not a done deal as the listing is still marked “in contract” on the broker’s website. However, thanks to our ever intrepid researcher B.S. Beaverman, we’ve learned that the sale has already been recorded with the city.

Apparently these two luvbirds had a tough time making up their minds because Mister Keil reports they’ve been stomping around the West Village for more than two years looking for a place to hang their hat, park the Oscar (for Capote) and stash the two children they’ve made out of wedlock.

According to listing information for the 5th floor loft unit, the Seymour Hoffman O’Donnel’s will be allowed to have pets and will be forking over $2,107 per month in maintenance charges. The family will soon be hunkering down in an open plan living/dining/kitchen area that the hyperbolic listing declares “one of the largest single spaces in the West Village.” We don’t know about that, but it does have some nice and high ceilings, generously sized windows on two sides, a brick faced wood burning fireplace and a cabinetless kitchen. Presumably a large pantry makes up for the lack of overhead storage.

Here’s what we don’t like:

1. Although often touted as desirable in New York City apartments below 23rd Street, Your Mama is not fond of the exposed brick walls as they remind us too much of all the wine bars that popped up everywhere in the early 1980s.

2. Your Mama is not fond of open plan living where you have to keep the kitchen spotlessly clean or be distracted by the dirty dishes while trying to concentrate on those wacky (and sometimes deeply disturbing) women on The Housewives of New York City.

3. The closet space seems slim for a family of four, but we imagine Mister Hoffman can well afford a nearby studio apartment to store all the unnecessaries.

4. Lastly, we’re a little concerned about the size and shape of the third bedroom. Which of Mister Hoffman and Miss O’Donnel’s two children will be punished with that room?

Here’s what we do like:

1. Your Mama loves a fireplace to warm the tootsies on cold winter nights.

2. We’re very appreciative of the separate laundry room. Too often in these downtown loft conversions we see washers and dryers stuck under the counters in the kitchen…a definite no-no in our big book of floor plan design.

3. The master bathroom is quite impressive even if neither Your Mama nor the Dr. Cooter would ever use that gigantic bathtub for anything but bathing our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly. Sitting in a heated up vat of our own filth is not our idea of a relaxing evening. The shower on the other hand looks like a nice place to have a nekkid party. Oh! Did we say that out loud?

4. The separation between the bedrooms is a real bonus when it comes to fornicating and fighting…who needs guests or the children listening to one’s most private moments, right?

The West Village is, of course, home to all sorts of rich and famous folks who have been snapping up townhouses left and right in the last 6 or 7 years. Vanity Fair head honcho Graydon Carter lays up in a newly renovated townhouse on Bank Street, Vogue’s icy high priestess Anna Wintour shacks up in a townhouse on Sullivan Street, and exuberantly paid supa-model and baby daddy stealer Giselle Bundchen recently bought an 11th Street townhouse.

Sex and The City queen bee Sarah Jessica Parker and her noted thespian hubby Matthew Broderick have long called a Charles Street townhouse home (they also appear to own another townhouse on MacDougal Street), and apparently, troubled but well paid actor Kiefer Sutherland maintains a place in the West Village as does newly separated ack-tress and mommy Liv Tyler. Film director Bart Freundlich and his enormously talented red headed wifey Julianne Moore have a townhouse as well as a studio apartment on Bethune Street, and twin titans Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are reported to be sharing a rented 10-room triplex in a West 13th Street townhouse.

Brooke Shields recently bought a townhouse on West 10th Street and who could forget that the far West Village is where artist Julian Schnabel is have a wee bit of trouble unloading those high ceiling follies at the Palazzo Chupi.

The famous folks who don’t live in the West Village still like to hang out there in low key but celebrity heavy haunts like Bar Pitti and The Waverly Inn.

Phew! On that note, Your Mama has some coffee to drink up.