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Phillip Bloch Double Whammy / New York City

SELLER: Phillip Bloch
LOCATION: West 14th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,500,000 (monthly maintenance / $1,282)
SIZE: 1,400 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom
DESCRIPTION: …Currently a 1,400-square-foot…Personality abounds throughout this historic residence, which features abundant natural light from three exposures; views which include the twin brownstone steeples of designated landmark St. Bernard’s Church, lush treetops to the south, and quiet neighboring gardens to the north; moldings, paneling and pass a through window; original ornate parquet floors; two lavishly detailed fireplaces; tin ceilings; a vintage oversized double sink in the kitchen; and a claw foot tub in the bath.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Yesterday Mister Braden Keil at the New York Post wrote in his always entertaining and informative Gimme Shelter column that forty-something fashion fanatic and thin-mustachioed stylist to the stars Phillip Bloch put his modest Manhattan garret on the market for $1,500,000.

Your Mama realizes that only the fashionista few are likely to know who Mister Bloch is, how he earns his paper or what makes him worthy of being discussed on a blog about celebrity real estate. Like only a few other lucky clothing cognoscente–such as the increasingly gender ambiguous Steven Cojocaru and the toothpick thin Rachel Zoe–Mister Bloch has managed to parlay his eye for sartorial style into a seriously successful career selecting high priced designer duds for famous folks like Salma Hayek, Halle Berry, John Travolta, Drew Barrymore and Will and Jada Pinkett Smith…to name just a few. Mister Bloch is more than just a glorified shop gurl though. That’s right children, he also acts, writes, sold a bunch of shit on QVC, and appears regularly on dozens of television talk shows handing out snappy and sassy advice on fashion trends and Hollywood-style beauty. Like it or not, all that media exposure has turned Mister Bloch into a minor celebrity in his own right.

Property records show that Mister Bloch purchased his fourth floor (or is it fifth floor?) walk up on West 14th Street in July of 2007 for $1,150,000. Listing information indicates that the full floor flat measures around 1,400 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom with a claw foot tub. The floor plan indicates this might have originally been configured as two 1-bedroom units that were merged into a single railroad style number that stretches from the front to the back of the building. The good news is that Mister Bloch’s apartment has good square footage, windows on three sides, piles of possibility and the purchase price includes roof rights…an excellent and valuable bonus to a buyer looking to expand. The bad news is the place is at best, uhm, really rough around the edges and at worst, appears in need of a may-jer renovation.

Never would Your Mama have imagined this apartment to be the home of one of the most in demand celebrity stylists in the country. Had we to guess, we’d have crossed our heart and hoped to die that this place belonged to a washed up theater queen with a clothing fetish and maxed out credit cards who recently and half heartedly took up studying Eastern mysticism and Bikram yoga to help him cope with all the anxiety and self loathing that results from 25+ years of failed auditions. But it ain’t. It really is the home of a noted, talented and well compensated clothing consultant.

Mister Keil reports that Mister Bloch decided to sell his New York City “penthouse” because he didn’t have time for the (much needed) renovation. Well, that may be true because Mister Bloch is indeed a blisteringly bizzy swami of style. However, Your Mama has a hard time believing that Miss Thing didn’t have time to rip those dee-pressing purple and burgandy sheets off the bed or remove those crappy curtains before the real estate agent came over with a damn camera looking to ask $350,000 more than was paid for the place less than a year ago. Pleeze.

But the linens are really the least of the day-core drama, aren’t they? Do we even need to point out that pitiful patio furniture masquerading as some sort of sorry dining room table? Do we need to dwell on whatever precarious and puny thing that is sitting out in the middle of the living room desperately trying (and failing) to be a coffee table? No, we don’t. We will, however, discuss Mister Bloch’s pitiful and inexcusable lighting situation. Naked overhead bulbs and cheep-ass Home Despot ceiling fixtures? Oh no you did not Phillip. You of all people should know the necessity of a good lighting plan. There is really no excuse Miss Bloch. Your Mama knows full well that you could have sent your assistant in long black Town Car to Target or Ikea or the damn flea market for pick up a few floor and table lamps.

We do recognize that this is just an East Coast crash pad for Mister Bloch’s bi-coastal lifestyle, but as that fierce, ferocious and funny little fashion designer Christian Siriano would say, this place is a hot mess. Your Mama is seriously surprised that a man who can perfectly match a Bulgari bauble with a Tori Burch tunic and who can perfectly pair a high fallutinLouboutin with a Diane von Furstenberg dress did not have the good sense to beg one of his nice gay decorator friends (and we know you must have one or two Miss Bloch) to come over with a garbage bag and deft helping hand. Despite the many and myriad of punishable interior design crimes, Your Mama does always like to say something nice about the properties we discuss and we can honestly say that we adore the fastidious manner in which Mister Bloch has carefully hung his belts on the wall and color-coordinated his shirts on the rolling rack in the make-shift dressing room.

Other than that, we are through here. Next up, Mister Bloch’s west coast condominium, which he also has up for sale. Stay tuned.

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