SELLER: Nick Carter
LOCATION: Long Leaf Drive, Parkland, FL
PRICE: $1,500,000
SIZE: 4,699 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Were it not for the lovely and charming Candy Catsoutofthebag, Your Mama would never have known that Backstreet Boy Nick Carter has put his house in Parkland, Florida on the market with an asking price of $1,500,000. For better or worse, this uber suburban section of the Sunshine State–west of Boca Raton and northwest of Fort Lauderdale–is simply off our real estate radar just as Nick Carter is, for the most part, off our celebrity sonar. Above and beyond the Backstreet Boys thing, about the only information about 30 year old Mister Carter that Your Mama can pull out of the depths of our gin soaked and heat addled mind is that he once dated Paris Hilton (Who hasn’t?) and back in 2006 he appeared with his siblings on a rather embarrassing and tawdry reality program called House of Carters that ran, thankfully, for only one 8 episode season.

The 4,699 square foot house on Long Leaf Drive was newly built when property records show that Mister Carter bought the house in June of 2006 for $1,323,435 from the developer. The 5 bedroom and 5 bathroom tile roofed tract house sits cheek to jowl with all the other nearly identical houses in a gated golf community called the Parkland Golf and Country Club where residents can stash the brats at the Kids’s Center while they swing clubs on the Greg Norman designed 18 hole golf course and chow down at the The Caribbean Grill. The community also offers, tennis courts, a resort style swimming pool, a spa for massages and manipedis, a fitness center, botanical gardens, a banquet hall, golf club and an event lawn.

Listen children, Your Mama never imagined this former teen sensation would possess a World of Interiors worthy interior day-core. But we never imagined it would be a hot mess either. Unfortunately we simply don’t have the inner-reserves and fortitude to discuss every decorating crime at Mister Carter’s crib so we’re going to stick to the top five.

1. The curiously located exterior stairs at the front of the house. Is this an apartment building or a single family home? Not only does Your Mama worry that boozy pals will have trouble finding the front door, it also looks like a big neon invitation to intruders, “Can’t get in down there? Try up here!”

2. The video game in the corner of the living room. Oh lawhd have mercy on our snarky soul. That thing has Your Mama dee-pressed and reaching for a tall gin and tonic to wash down the deep psychic pain that hunk of plastic causes our delicate sensibilities. Your Mama begs the children and Mister Carter too to stop for just one moment and think about what sort of message is transmitted by a 30 year old man who has a giant video machine in the damn living room.

Not pretty, is it?

3. The fake greenery atop the kitchen cabinets. Baby, no. Never. Really. Your Mama’s decorating rule # 827: No phony foliage allowed. Anywhere and ever.

4. Do not even get Your Mama started on that half-assed Medieval mess masquerading as a damn dining room. Pleeze. That is without a doubt one of the worst looking rooms Your Mama has ever seen. Not only is the chandelier hung way to high it looks like someone has defecated on the walls, which is, of course, never a good look for a dining room. Fortunately paint can easily be changed by the next owner.

5. The bamboo theme in the bedroom. Nick-doll, we don’t know who is giving you advice on all the crazy paint treatments, but gurl you gotta get rid of that person because people of style and taste do not punish their walls like that anymore.

Because we always like to say something nice about every property we discuss, we’ll pretend that we like the amoeba shaped swimming pool that looks as if it can be seen from several of the neighboring yards and houses which is an excellent bonus feature for exhibitionist buyers.

Property records reveal that Mister Carter own quite a bit of property in Florida. However, it’s just too damn hot right now for Your Mama to bother cataloging his real estate portfolio and we need to head out for a nood dip in a cool pool.