SELLER: Mena Suvari
LOCATION: Glyndon Avenue, Venice, CA
PRICE: $1,795,000
SIZE: 2,442 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautiful craftsman designed by Richard Olander with meticulous attention to detail. Spacious separate master suite on top floor with huge walk in closet. Elegant gourmet cook’s kitchen with black granite center island & breakfast bar leading to a stylish formal dining room. French doors open to a landscaped large back yard–Great for entertaining, to a studio, guest house, surround sound through out, security system, and more.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All you Chicken Littles take note. Thanks to a friendly tipster we’ll call Venetia Vixon, Your Mama has learned that unusually named actress Mena Suvari (American Pie, American Beauty, American Virgin, American Pie II) has not only listed her Venice residence for sale at $1,795,000, the property has gone to contract less than 45 days after being put on the market. Did you see that? Less than 45 days.

Property records show that Miz Suvari purchased the Glyndon Avenue house in June of 2005 for $1,665,000, which was shortly after the “news” broke about her marriage with much older cinematographer huzband Robert Brinkmann going splitsville, which kinda makes this her rebound house…a place to go to get away from the huzband, but not necessarily a long term solution. Tucked into a quiet and leafy pocket bordered by Marina del Rey and Culver City, the Miz Suvari’s vaguely East Coast style cottage measures 2,442 square feet. There are 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a detached (and permitted) studio/guest house that does not appear to Your Mama to have a bathroom…a situation some small bladdered guests might not be too happy about.

Popular on Variety

The main house and the detached garage/studio/guest house are divided by a courtyard like back yard with an attractive ameoba shaped gravel patio and little patches of well maintained lawn. It’s an area far too small for big dogs, or perhaps even our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, but from the looks of things, Miz Suvari’s pussies seem to like it just fine.

It would appear to Your Mama that Miz Suvari did the day-core herself because we don’t think any self respecting nice gay decorator–at least none that we know–would dream of putting those cockamamie wicker seating contraptions in the living room. On a covered patio, perhaps. But please, not the living room. And what is that leopard printed tower thing hanging out in the corner? Is that a disguised speaker? Some sort of “art?” Whatever it maybe be has us reaching for the nerve pills because we can’t seem to take our eyes off it long enough to even notice that there’s a nice fireplace in the room to take the chill off those foggy Venice mornings.

We do think the dining room works. Basically. The windows are too small but what we’re most concerned about is the obvious difficulty of getting food out of the seriously shag rug. One chicken nugget with mustard sauce dropped on that thing and our house gurl Sventlana would be ranting, raving and pulling her hair extensions out like it was a Greek tragedy.

Although the kitchen is upscale ordinary with generic (but blessedly simple) white cabinets and black granite counters, it is decently sized and we enjoy pulling up a stool pulled to a work island so we can sip gin and tonics while the Dr. Cooter prepares pork dumplings and a box cake (yellow with chocolate frosting, natch). We’re thrilled that Miz Suvari (or whomever is responsible for this kitchen design) was wise enough to have the microwave oven fitted into the cabinetry sparing us having to look at it loitering on the counter top. However, all the good comes to nothing with that menacing pot rack looking like a lobster trap dying to swoop down and knock the noggin off the chef. We hate those things.

Although the windows are tiney, the bedroom looks like a nice and airy space but the day-core is beyond words. Almost. Teddy bears on the bed? Egads! Mena, hunny, you are a grown gurl with a career and money of your own. They may be “cute” but those silly stuffed things belong in a child’s room or big box in the attic. No exceptions. Ever. No man is going to take a woman seriously who has stuffed animals on her bed. Don’t believe Your Mama? Ask a man. Just don’t ask the ones who like their ladee friends to be gurls, if you know what Your Mama is sayin‘.

Anyhoo, the new buyers are not buying the day-core so it’s all irrelevant and clearly this is a good house priced right because it’s done been sold lickety split. Your Mama hasn’t a clue whey Miss Mena would want to leave this near the Pacific Ocean charmer, but she does. Maybe she’s ready for something with a little more celebrity style? Whatever the case, we hope she’ll give us a shout so we can recommend a couple of nice gay decorators to help her out with her next crib.