Matthew Perry Makes It Modern

BUYER: Matthew Perry
LOCATION: Carman Crest Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,475,000
SIZE: 2,893 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Presenting a spectacular modern home with soaring mountain, city & ocean views…Full floor master suite, white terrazzo floors, disappearing walls of glass, state-of-the-art audio, visual and security systems, chef’s kitchen, pool/spa. Architecturally stunning and luxuriously appointed, this home is life in L.A. as imagined.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Way back in mid-February Your Mama heard from someone we’ll call Charlie Chatter who whispered in our big ear that former Friends actor Matthew Perry purchased new digs in the OutPost Estates near Runyon Canyon in the Hills above Hollywood. Your Mama asked around and peeked and poked in property records, but at the time we were unable to confirm Charlie Chatter’s idle gossip.

That is until the other day, when we received a fervid and turgid communication from our ever so well informed pal Lucy Spillerguts who squealed to Your Mama that Mister Perry had indeed bought himself a new house on Carman Crest Drive that had been listed at $4,500,000 and the records we were able to access reveal a purchase price of $4,475,000. Now children, four and a half million clams is a lot of money to most people, including Your Mama, but it’s really just pennies for a man like Mister Perry who no doubt rakes in gigantic piles of paper money from Friends residuals.

Property and tax records show the freshly rehabbed habitat measures in at a modest sounding 2,893 square feet. However it’s possible that number is a wee bit outdated and short of the actual size. Listing information shows the house includes 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms with the master suite privately occupying the entire second floor where Mister Perry and his ladee lovers will be able to enjoy spine tingling views over the glittering carpet of Los Angeles lights without ever having to leave the big bed.

The house was clearly staged to within an inch of is contemporary life, so there’s not need for Your Mama to spend much time discussing or dissing the beige and brown monochromatic color scheme. Unless Mister Perry purchased the place furnished, and we sincerely hope he did not, all that micro-suede and and animal skin will be hauled out by a team of burly mover men long before Mister Perry gets his nice gay decorator up in there to work the rooms into the smooth, sexy and stylish Hollywood Hills hideaway fit for a ladees man like Mister Perry.

Although it has zee-roe to do with real estate, Your Mama feels strangely compelled to include a partial and impressive list of Mister Perry’s big name and leading ladee romantic conquests. Because from the looks of things, Mister Perry is going to go down (oops, did we say that?) a legendary Lothario much like the still vi-rile Mister Jack Nicholson whose little black book is no doubt a giant Rolodex of Hollywood hotties. Among the long list of ladees Mister Perry is said to have wined and dined we find Amanda Peete, Lara Flynn Boyle (who we regret to inform isn’t looking so twig thin and lovely lately), Julia Roberts, Renee Zellweger, Heather Graham and Lauren Graham, long-ish time gurly friend Rachel Duunn, Sheryl Crow and that poor Meg Ryan. And there’s even more children.

Anyhoo, back to Mister Perry’s new crib in the hills…We do like the white terrazo floors although they would be an absolute nightmare for Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter’s housegurl Svetlana to keep free of our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly’s itty bitty paw prints. We’d never hear the end of her (justified) complaining about the humiliation of her having to follow the pooches around on her hands and knees, so from a practical point of view, this house is O.U.T. for us. However, being dog people, we’re digging the close to Runyon Canyon location, we’re speechless over the mesmerizing views and the petite plunge pool and spa are working our g spot even if we think the yard could use a little creative landscaping to soften up some of the cold and hard edges.

We do detect a a vague motel-ish thing happening on the rear facade that was given a once over by architect Scott Carty, but given that all the floor to ceilings windows slide open to effectively create deeluxe covered porches, we can live with it. However, we do think the property would benefit the eye and soul to have some actual color injected into the room s in order to differentiate the interior spaces, which are painted a gleaming gallery white, from the exterior spaces which are also quite white. There’s nothing here that can’t be fixed with a little dough (which Mister Perry has plenty of) and a nice gay decorator with a solid ability to deal with color.

Property records show that Mister Perry continues to own a 2-bedroom unit on the 22nd floor at the celebrity filled Sierra Towers condo complex on Doheny Road, which he picked up in April of 2005, as well as the 3,677 square foot ocean view house on Maleeboo’s swanky Sweetwater Mesa Road that records reveal he (also) purchased in April of 2005 for $6,550,000.

Your Mama wishes Mister Perry a happy new home in the Hollywood Hills where he can whisk his big name dates in and out without all the doorman and valets at the Sierra Towers making mental notes of his every romantic move.

P.S. That glitzy dining room chandelier should probably be given the heave-ho along with all the brown and beige day-core.

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