SELLER: Mark Teixeira
LOCATION: King Fisher Drive, Westlake, TX
PRICE: $5,750,000
SIZE: 6,986 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 4 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Built in 2005 on 1.1 acres in the Vaquero Develop. Tuscan inspired home has a gracious dwnstrs master ste, & 3 bedrms upstairs & a gmrm. One of the many highlights of thi hm is the outside space consisting of cvrd terraces, fps, outdoor kit & a Zen like garden. Additionally there is a negative edge pool. There are frml & infrml din rms, great rm with a vaulted ceiling, a 2 story lib-off with a fp, several wet bars & a chef’s kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The other day we received a polite and all-bizness type of email from a gentleman we’ll call Mister Plum. Clearly our Mister Plum knows a little something about baseball because he informed us that a young ball player named Mark Teixeira had put his suburban Dallas-Fort Worth home on the market for $5,750,000. And of course, as you might imagine, Your Mama had no idea who this Mark Teixeira is or how to say his complicated looking last name.

We took to the internets to sort out just what makes Mister Teixeira famous and we quickly and easily learned what many of you sport fans already know. Young Mister Teixeira is an award winning first baseman with the Atlanta Braves. Previous to his current gig in Atlanta, Mister Teixeira swung bats and tossed balls for the Texas Rangers which explains why he owns a multi-million dollar house in a swanky suburban gated community north of Fort Worth. The internets also informed us that in the summer of 2007 Mister Teixeira turned down a reported 8-year and $140,000,000 (!!) contract with the Rangers before being traded to the Braves. So Your Mama assumes he must be pretty damn good at what he does to be offered that kind of coin.

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Oh, and his name is pronounced Ta-sheer-uh, but we’ll just call him Tex.

Property records show that the young and rich Tex and his wifey purchased this Westlake property in a gated development of custom built homes in December of 2005. Records reveal they dropped $3,990,000 for the 6,986 square foot “Tuscan inspired” residence that features 4 bedrooms and 4 full and 4 half bathrooms. See puppies, it’s not just the rich people in Los Angeles that desire, build and buy “Tuscan inspired” mansions that have little or nothing in common with the architecture and landscaping of Tuscany.

Anyhoo, after a quick spin through the photos Your Mama was quite surprised to learn that Tex is just 27 years old and we assume the Missus Tex is in that same age range. What? Still covered in their dewy youth and living up in a big suburban mansion with a houseful of heavy furniture, a grand piano and eight damn terlits? We would have guessed the inhabitants of this suburban abode were in their 40s and getting ready to ship their mouthy and disrespectful teenagers off to Texas A&M. But alas…

Now stick with Your Mama here children because I know the impulse is to shred and shame these sorts of Meditamerican/Amertalian architectural abominations which are typically located in suburban gated communities overlooking manicured golf greens and man-made ponds. We are certainly no fan of that ubiquitous building trend either. And while this house is indeed located in a gated golf course community and overlooks a man made pond, Your Mama thinks that Tex, Missus Tex, and their decorator have actually shown an admirable restraint on much of the interior spaces.

I know all of you are probably gasping, pulling out the smelling salts and wondering if Your Mama has done fallen off the deep end like that poor gurl Britney Spears or if we’re being held at gun point by a Texas decorator demanding we say nice things about the insanely huge velour sectional sofa. That is not the case. Yes children, it’s all rather dark and there is FAR too much beige and brown happening up in there. And yes, it does seems a wee bit silly for a couple of twenty-somethings to have a baby grand piano wedged into the corner of their living room (unless of course, one of them plays the piano), and indeed Your Mama cringes at the kitchen attempting to masquerade as a living room.

However, the gravel driveway was a much better choice than concrete or, heaven forfend, blacktop. We love all the dramatic ceilings, the dining room, at least in the photo, looks pleasingly put together and appropriately scaled, and despite this house being almost new, the library strikes a stately and dignified chord. But it’s actually the media room that has softened our usually hard edges. Oh children, have you seen the home theaters that some Richie Rich sports stars put in their basements with migraine inducing flashing neon lighting and those vulgar wheel-about old fashioned popcorn making machines that are supposed to be charming but are really quite depressing? So while Your Mama has never understood framing and hanging sports togs as artwork, we commend Mister and Missus Tex for showing some serious decorative restraint in their media room.

Here’s the thing kids…not everybody can or even wants to live in Bev Hills or New York City or the Hamptons. Not everyone wants to live in a sleek and glass wrapped contemporary confection designed by a name-brand architect. Not everyone in Texas can live in a house that looks like the damn Alamo and not everyone wants a Miles Redd or John Barman or Kelly Wearstler designed interior. Many people in America, most people probably, just want a big, safe, cozy house in which to raise the brats. So, all things considered, it could be much worse. There could be recliners.

We hear from Mister Plum that Tex and Missus Tex have relocated to a suburb north of Atlanta, but we’ve yet to be able to identify any property they have purchased. Perhaps they’re waiting to unload this place before they take their next residential plunge. Whatever the case, Your Mama hopes with all our heart that they at least try to inject a little color into whatever big ass suburban mansion in a gated golf course community they buy next.