SELLER: Jesse Metcalfe
LOCATION: Rodgerton Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,495,000
SIZE: 3,919 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This HIP Celebrity Owned Mediterranean is the Perfect Party Pad, Big Family Home or Large Hm Office, w/almost 4000 sq ft + bonus space. This Villa features fully updated kitchen, 5 Bds (2 w/own entrances + prvt. Apt.) 5 baths, 2 FP’s, Dark hardwood floors and stone throughout. Huge Party/Rec Floor w/kitchen and own entrance. Media Rm w/Projector, Spacious LR, Dining. Gym. Large garage. Great Hollywood Sign View! An Amazing Value and Very Done.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Most of the children know the almost 30 year old acktur Jesse Metcalfe, his seriously manicured eyebrows, and his bulging baby butt smooth chest from his stint as the horned up cougar-luvvin‘ teenage gardener on Desperate Housewives. Never mind that he was in his mid to late twenties when he worked that gig. However, Your Mama remembers this slab of Hollywood beefcake from his days as Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald on the high-larious and phantasmagorical daytime story Passions, which is unfortunately no longer on the air. Oh lawhd children, that program was so damn gewd back when Charity was possessed by the devil and the teenagers were getting preggers right and left.

Nowadays the recently rehabbed and somewhat career challenged actor is more likely to be discussed in the tabs and glossies for his on and off again relationship (and possible engagement) with that Girls Aloud gurl Nadine Coyle and the constant speculation that he might actually like boys instead of gurls. For the record, Your Mama does not know or even care which way the porn bodied party boy swings.

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What we do know and what we do care a little something about is the Beachwood Canyon residence that the slim hipped and chisel chested acktur recently put on the market for $1,495,000.

Property records show Mister Metcalfe purchased the 3,919 square foot Mediterranean-ish style house on twisty-turny Rodgerton Drive in September of 2004 just about the time as he was leaving Harmony for Wisteria Lane. Records show the acktur paid $1,075,000 for the house overlooking Beachwood Canyon. Although property records show the house has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, listing information for the house indicates the house includes five bedrooms and five bathrooms. There must be some sort of funky lay out because listing information proudly declares that two of the bedrooms have separate entrances and an additional private apartment which appears to have been turned into some sort of pool hall nightclub.

Clearly muscular Mister Metcalfe fancied the notion of living up in a house done up like some kind of club or lounge. Your Mama does not know what kind of screw needs to be loose that possesses these young and moneyed television stars to spend arm loads of money to transform their homes into looking like Hyde or Villa or whatever other red velvet roped clubs they like to go to. Don’t they spend enough time laying around in these places? Do people really want to live in houses done up like nightclubs? Anyone? Ugh. Not Your Mama, that’s for sure.

We’ve got mood lighting up the wazoo, chandeliers hung too high, unfinished looking spaces, banquets pushed up against the wall, a bed-like lounging area in the media room (wonder what goes on there?), and a library table suspended by chain that looks like something that might have been done by the Design on a Dime folks. Don’t get Your Mama wrong, we love the Design on a Dime folks, but presumably Mister Metcalfe was decorating with more than a dime so it’s disconcerting and upsetting to see this abomination swinging in his house.

Here’s what we do like: We love fireplaces and there appear to be at least three here. We love that looking at every window you see tree tops which gives the place a nice tree house sort of effect. We love the view of the Hollywood sign. But other than that, hmm. well. Although we are not down with hunting and killing animals (just our point of view, not a political statement, so all your animal killers, back off), we do kinda dig that kooky wart hog head hanging over the fireplace in the living room even though it would surely scare the bejeezis out of us after a few fireside gin and tonics.

Our humble recommendation to Mister Metcalfe would have been to keep the decor less club like and instead of spending his funds on custom banquettes and carved wood pool tables to put his money into changing the uglee tile around the fireplaces, trading in the tile floor in the dining room, and renovating the kitchens and bathrooms. All this decor is simply shucking and jiving that makes it very difficult to see the house or imagine living there without a resident dj.

Sadly, there is no backyard to speak of, which makes the property perfect for anyone who does not want to green thumb it in the garden or fool with a team of landscapers roving over the property and interrupting their beauty sleep several times a week. However, Your Mama needs somewhere to run our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly so no backyard is a problem.

Additionally and sadly, builder of this house didn’t even see fit to include decks or terraces on the backside of the house that are big enough to do anything but stand around smoke a doobie or watch the sun rise. Both nice things, but frankly, Your Mama prefers to sit when we get stoned and there’s hardly room to put a chair on the decks of this house let alone a nice quiet and sunny spot for our pussy cat Sugar to sun bathe.

The listing for the property screams, “PRICED TO SELL NOW,” which makes Your Mama wonder why Mister Metcalfe is in such a hurry to unload his house. Could he be cash poor due to his molasses career? Could it be that it’s too tempting to booze it up when you’re den looks like a bar? Is he moving in with Miss Coyle, as has been widely rumored, or does he actually have much more money that Your Mama imagines and trading up to something more glammy and celebrity style?